Reflecting more about what my family has done for me, no one can really tell, no outsider at the very least, that there is anything wrong with my family. They would even think that it’s one of the healthiest families they see and I’m quite lucky to be part of it.

Sure, healthy as in an absence of too much drama or issues. Socially, my siblings grew up quite normally, or at least they learned to adapt a little sooner rather than later. However, I do know that one of my sisters has also been bullied, but it had the opposite effect on her, which made her chase people. while being bullied made me withdraw into a shell, it made her keep trying to adapt herself too much to the people around her, to the point where she had become confused of her own identity. In her own words, she “got involved with the wrong crowd”.

My other sister has also had awkward tendencies, but she’s really quite the most friendly person. She has made friends with very diverse people, a lot of people from other countries and beliefs as well. She tells me she’s shy and I guess I can see that because she’s not too loud or charismatic. But she makes an effort to be friendly to people, that much I can see. Her personal drama I guess would be between her and our parents. She had been the most rebellious. She is kind of a hippie, you see, and many of her beliefs do not coincide with my parents’. However, my parents have become more open-minded (or at least more tolerating), and they never stop being loving to her. My sister just has a tendency to be impatient and quick-tempered, so that has contributed a bit to the difficulty of her relationship with our parents.

My brother, well, I don’t know much about him, because he’s the oldest and doesn’t live with us right now. From my perception, he is the most similar to my parents in terms of values I think, because he is married with two kids and works a stable job. My two sisters have been a little less consistent when it came to their jobs.

So in our house as it is right now, I live with my parents, my two sisters, three cats, and my grandmother lives in the neighboring house. The first sister I talked about is moving to her own condo soon. She’s already like… 28 though. Haha. Also she’s been with her boyfriend for years but hasn’t married yet. Maybe she doesn’t ever want to? I don’t know. I don’t really want to ask her because I’m shy. This is the sister who I said I wasn’t really close to, but at least we’ve talked and bonded a bit.

Hmm, of all the family members, you’d think I’d be satisfied with my other sister, because she seems to fit the description of being more “different” and open-minded to various other things. That’s true. Now that I think about it, I’m guessing that it’s because she is only one person, and a community of such people would be more right for me. At least a small group of friends. You can’t hang around one person all the time or else we wouldn’t be able to give each other privacy.

If she was my age, maybe I’d be more satisfied. She’s 31.

And I guess the fact that she didn’t even talk to me until I was older was… well, not that I hold any grudges or anything, but I think she was probably not the same type of person when she was younger, either.

And now I grew up in my own head and I have gone in too deep, and there are still some things about me that she can’t reach. Am I doing this to myself? Am I the one who’s making it hard for other people to reach me? It is hard for me to pretend to be otherwise. To be not who I really am.

But to have a more peaceful social life, I sure do wish I could pretend. If I have Theater lessons, I may be able to help some of my social anxiety. I met someone (briefly, don’t think I’ll ever see her again because she is not a schoolmate and it was during a workshop of some sort) that had been in Theater and I would never have guessed she was actually an introvert! She said she still has trouble expressing her ideas, but nonetheless, I wish I had what she had! She seems so friendly! But it is surprising that even the people who appear most friendly are also the most unsure of themselves inside (like she said there are many times she does not know what to say). I, on the other hand, worry about looking like a snob or a serious person.