To be honest, I’ve always been very envious of artists… I don’t really feel bad about not taking a course that goes directly to that path, though (because it is possible to go to that path in other ways). It’s not really about that. I’m simply envious of those who are good at something, even if it’s just a hobby. It’s like they get to really express themselves. Sometimes, it can be as simple as knowing how to dress or knowing how to talk about things you like.

It’s not a matter of skill. I tried to learn the piano before, although I didn’t have real classes. I just taught myself a few songs from tutorials on Youtube. I got bored after a while, though. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it. It’s just that I’m still a bit isolated simply doing things in that manner. It might have been better if I did take it seriously when I was younger, and exposed myself more, taking classes and all. But during that time, I still had a lot of social anxiety, so I just wanted to stay at home and do it myself.

Now that I’m actually ready to go out, I don’t have as much time, and my parents are finally retired and we’re trying to save money as best as I can. If I wanted to take classes now, I’d have to save up for it on my own.

I can possibly also do string instruments, like I know chords and strumming on the ukulele. I didn’t learn the guitar, but if I can use the ukulele a bit, I can probably use the guitar as well.

And quite random, but I played bongos and djembes (tribal drums).

All of these I’ve mentioned are all “Yeah, I can play them. A little bit.”

Even drawing is “a little bit” for me. I haven’t tried painting. Drawing progressed naturally since I was a kid. My doodles improved until I was 14/15 and then it plateaued. I can’t draw anything more than slightly anime-styled people in very limited amount of poses. Maybe I can draw backgrounds a little bit, but nothing special.

What I’m saying here is that I learned these things and have the potential, but for some reason, didn’t have the drive to see them through. I think the thing that is taking my energy the most is my loneliness. If Maslow’s pyramid is correct, “confidence and competence” doesn’t come until after I’ve acquired a stable “relationship” base.

And so by healing, I really mean, just trying to “cure” myself of social anxiety.
However I’ve been told.
That I shouldn’t see it that way.
That I shouldn’t see it as if I’m trying to “fix” myself.

Well, I don’t know how else to see it. It’s still a practical thing to do. Trying to overcome it and all.