Alex,

Hi. I am new here also; I was led here by searching on the phrase, “self care” which returns citations to Tiny Buddha; this thread was in the sidebar of “recent posts.”

I’m not sure I have any tips for you– I’ll try below– but I can certainly relate. You’re not alone in this feeling. I think we all experience it from time to time, that’s just part of being human. Some feel it more than others. I feel that I do. I know other people who also feel this way and I do my best to try to empathize with them if I can, and if they will allow me to do so.

Like Anita, I was also not validated as a child. If I did something right– for example, I was a very good student– that was disregarded because there was always something wrong that invalidated my achievement. I could provide too many examples for my own good but that’s not the point anyway.

I also feel like I depend too much on others for my happiness, although to be fair to myself, that is not true all of the time.

One place in which I find solace–not necessarily answers, just solace– is music. I have been a singer in solitude nearly all of my life, and when I am belting out something (reasonably in key, fortunately) I am not only exercising physically but I am in a sense letting go and feeling alive. To me that’s a bit of self-validation at times. I have a playlist called “Catharsis” that I turn to when things don’t seem to be going well. Lately I have been listening and singing along to a song by Christina Perri called “I Believe” (it’s on YouTube).

(I suppose I should mention here that in my experience no one thing works all the time. I need to have a veritable arsenal of ways to fight back against the negative feelings that sometimes come on without warning.)

I chose my handle “Pegasus63” because I believe that when I am at my best I am “being a Pegasus” for people– listening, offering advice in a non-judgmental way, and just being by their side for a moment or two. I think this sometimes helps to validate me as well… I know I am alive and I matter when I am helping someone to see that they matter.

I also try to focus on the thought, “Think of what did happen, not what didn’t.” I am trying hard to counteract the “yes, but” retort that I heard constantly growing up, and I find that helps. I am also trying to eliminate the word “should” from my conversations, especially the ones with myself… “should” implies self-judgement, often much harsher than is called for or what we deserve.

In my day job up until very recently I was a process improvement practitioner. One of the tools we have is “brainstorming” and the idea behind that is to get as many ideas as possible out there for consideration. The ideas I have described might be useful or might not, or they might lead to other ideas that will help you to become more self-validating. Maybe there is something in there for you, Alex, if so, please take it and build on it in any way that you would like.