@brokenman. Our situations sound very similar indeed. Like you say the incidents are quite often isolated, then forgotten by him almost immediately, but I remember. I guess he is wondering if someone else is involved, because he feels it can’t possibly be “just” that that is causing me to question our relationship.

I have to keep thinking about everything, a lot I haven’t ever told him. For example, we live overseas and 2 years ago my sister got married in the UK. I was bridesmaid and I am close to my family. He didn’t think the marriage would last (it didn’t but that isn’t the point), so was grumpy all weekend. He didn’t even tell me I looked nice. He just had a face on all weekend. It spoilt my whole weekend with my family, and I felt sick the whole time as I was worried other people could see. That is just one occassion.

He doesn’t have time for his family, and over time he has passively controlled my interaction with me family, although he will deny this of course.

Anyway, the tension is always in the household, and I am sure at times I don’t help because I ask him why he is grumpy, as I think it must be me, maybe it isn’t always but I feel like it is.

I am reading a lot to try and understand why i would stay and put up with this, and to try and gain the courage to leave and stay away.

The biggest driver in this at the moment is his reluctance to accept his behaviour has caused problems, that I guess is my deal breaker. And god I have tried to get him to see the connection between his insecurities, his behaviour and in turn my behaviour towards him. I cannot be passionate about him and our relationship while I feel he is treating me badly. Its a self perpetuating cycle. And we just keep going round and round, without him thinking about the root cause. Probably my fault, because in one way or another I have allowed him to do this for 21 years. That isn’t to say there wasn’t happier times, its definatly escalated in the last 2 years.