jlo5 – I would recommend that you read a “why don’t they just leave” by Brian Fox on the hidden hurt website. If you Google “why don’t they just leave” it is the first Google hit as a pdf file and I found it very informative. It talks a lot about getting trapped in abusive relationships and how the victims find it impossible to get out of the “prison without bars” situation. Hopefully, this link will work or you can do the Google search as suggested. http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/support-files/why_dont_they_just_leave.pdf
Presumably, you are also educating yourself about the long-term effects of emotional abuse and how controlling it can be such that the victim modifies their behaviour in order to prevent the abuse. It sounds like we are both doing that to try to keep the peace and have been doing so for a long time. I would also suggest you learn about complex PTSD as that definitely explains a lot about the high anxiety and the effects of living with long-term stress resulting from abusive situations that can occur in intimate relationships and how damaging it can be for those of us who experience it. For me it has been like being on the end of something truly evil. Almost in a supernatural kind of way. No doubt a psychologist would label it as brainwashing. My therapist seemed to think that the anxiety in me was caused by my thoughts and could not understand that I could feel the anxiety without any link to any particular thought processes. It has become like a reflex action in that my anxiety can escalate seemingly all on its own without any particular inputs of any particular thoughts. Whatever the cause, it is truly devastating for mental health and I suspect the only answer is to remove oneself from the situation and go “no contact”, which is very much easier said than done. Personally, I don’t seem to have the strength of character to overcome what it is that controls me. I know it is a weakness in me but that is in my nature when it comes to dealings with my wife, but only her. With normal people, my behaviour is normal. Do you feel the same in that you can be yourself with others but not with your partner? I’m guessing the answer is a big YES since what you describe is very familiar to me.