Dear Anita,
sorry for the late reply. Last time I posted I was preparing for a volunteer event that took away most of my time, focus and energy for some weeks (even though the event itself was not so long.)
What you wrote was very nice, and I tried to remind me of it when I went to choir again last week. It so happened that my friend and I arrived at the same time and we sat together. The other girl occasionally looked at us from afar and smiled. There was no jealousy this time, because she was no threat from a distance I guess.
You wrote:
“When you wrote about the new girl: ” She is talkative, positive, active”- reads to me that you believe she is superior to you because you are not as talkative, positive and active. As if you are supposed to be like her and are less than for not being more talkative, positive and active. ”
I think you are right, I feel somewhat inferior, but I see your point that different people (like you) will like different kinds of people. One person from the choir, a really sweet lady, even told me “well that new girl is really strange” which I thought strange at the time. It’s just so difficult to believe that we really might be “equal”. I am not (or only occasionally) a people pleaser. When I feel grumpy/bored/angry, I feel grumpy/bored/angry and I will not pretend otherwise. I have learned with time to listen to my needs (e.g. hunger, need for sleep, for silence etc.) so that there is no need to feel grumpy/bored/angry so much but I often slip. Also I have a nagging suspicion that I tend to be too much of a narcist, but don’t want to go into that right now.
But I also feel like I failed my standards: I have felt alone and left out often in my life. I know loneliness so when I see other people being alone then I will try to make them feel included. I sense this loneliness in the new girl too, despite her openess. But something still warns me that she might be trouble.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 