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Jealousy / insecurity

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  • September 9, 2016 at 6:49 am #114723
    Peppermint
    Participant

    Hello everyone,
    there are allready at least two current threads about jealousy right now, so I hope that no one minds that I’m starting a new one, but I want your take on this particular problem I have.

    These days I felt the same type of jealousy in two different contexts.
    One was at the choir I am part of. There are a lot of older people (65+) and only a very few younger ones my age. But I get along well with everyone and even found a friend my age there. Recently we had a new girl join the choir and I don’t like her. It’s not that she did anything. She is talkative, positive, active. But there is this one part in me that says “if I’m not careful, noone will care about me anyone and everyone will care about her”. Recently I was a bit late for choir and the girl was about to sit down next to my friend, saying “well but she [meaning me] isn’t here” then saw me and said “ah there she is”. I had a real strong reaction to this. As if an alarmbell had switched on in my head. I went there, laid my hand on my friends shoulder who was sitting (usually I don’t touch her) in a sort of “hello” gesture and felt a tiny bit like saying “this is MY friend. and MY choir.” I know, I know, ridiculous. Anyway I didn’t say it, put my bag in a different row and said that I didn’t care really, then went to the bathroom to cry. Only saving grace was that I didn’t go home afterwards, but took my bag and sat next to someone else I liked. And later during the break my friend came to me and we talked some small talk, so things were okay. Last week the girl actually said next to me while my friend came later and sat somewere else. And she tried to talk to me and it just made me more angry kind of like “why are you not getting the signal that I don’t want to talk to you? What do you want?”
    I think what makes me so jealous/afraid of her is her openess. She talks with people, works towards her goals. She is smart in a way and I guess I’m afraid she might see my weaknesses, e.g. that I’m moody at times. That she might talk about me behind my back. Also we have the same interest in a language, only that I studied it and she is interested in it as a hobby. Still she is a bit more fluent than me, which also makes me feel that she might look down on me.

    This problem with jealousy/insecurity happened recently in a different context too, but I think this post is long enough for now.

    I don’t know how to behave towards this new girl. Any suggestions?

    I want to add that I’m not allways like that. Actually me and my friend go out of our way to try and make new people welcome in the choir.

    • This topic was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Peppermint.
    • This topic was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Peppermint.
    September 9, 2016 at 9:09 am #114739
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Peppermint:

    I am glad you started this thread. It reads to me that you feel a bit embarrassed for feeling this jealousy (your last two lines, “I’m not always like that..”). This is my input:

    There is a valid message behind your jealousy. There is nothing wrong with this feeling or with you for having this feeling. All our feelings are automatic. We don’t choose them. Our feelings are functional- they give us information about what we need. If we figure out the correct message and do what needs to be done, then we are healthy and functional.

    All our feelings are valid and all have valid messages. None is inferior to other feelings and none is to be ashamed about.

    So what is the valid message in your feeling of jealousy and anger toward the new person in the choir?

    Is it that you really enjoy your position in the choir before she joined? You received appreciation from the other members of the choir who looked up to you, maybe? And you are afraid that they will now look up to her instead? And the reason they will is because you believe her attitude and behavior is superior to yours?

    Awaiting your reply.

    anita

    September 9, 2016 at 12:53 pm #114768
    Peppermint
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    thank you for your answer. I always appreciate reading your opinion (and to some threads I only return because I want to know what you answered).

    I am a bit embaressed, but more worried. This fight-or-flight reaction was just so strong. I felt there was just no solution: My friend had one person to the left and the new girl to the right. I didn’t want to be the one who takes away the new girls seat (she offered) and on the other hand I didn’t want to sit next to her while she sat next to my friend either. Only later did I realize that I could have asked both to move one seat to the right – then I could have sat on the left of my friend. But that’s hindsight.

    I am worried because I feel I slightly lost control, though I can’t explain it well. I feel this might happen again. And no one wants a jealous friend. Jealousy makes me act strangely. Which might just become a self fulfilling prophecy : acting jealous/strange/offensive → alienating my friend → being insecure and acting more jealous/strange/offensive → people talking about me →… end: I leave the choir.

    I think you guessed right about the valid message. I like the choir because people are glad to see me when I come. Because sometimes during break I can’t talk to all the people I wanted to talk to – there is too much to talk about (and usually I am not very talkative). I only recently became second vice leader of the choir (which in this case doesn’t have many actual responsibilities attached). I didn’t really ask for it, it was more a matter of „we need someone and no one wants to do it. So let’s vote for one of the young people.“ I was the last young person left who hadn’t been bullied into any position. 😉 But what I like about it is that people ask me for my opinion and to help out with one thing or another. Had she been in the choir when we voted – they might have very well have suggested her instead. Because I guess I do believe like you said, that her attitude and behavior is superior to mine. People like positive outgoing people.

    September 10, 2016 at 9:40 am #114835
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Peppermint:

    Reads to me that you were overwhelmed by your emotions last time and you are afraid you will lose control over your behavior next time you are overwhelmed in that context. And if you lose control and act jealous, then you will lose the younger friend you have made and your good experience in the choir.

    When you wrote about the new girl: ” She is talkative, positive, active”- reads to me that you believe she is superior to you because you are not as talkative, positive and active. As if you are supposed to be like her and are less than for not being more talkative, positive and active.

    The problem is in this belief of yours. It is okay to not be those three things. I personally do not enjoy talkative people. Not at all. I like people who talk less, way less than most people do.

    And I personally do not like overly positive people. I like realistic people who see and acknowledge the way things are, not the way things are not.

    And regarding active, I prefer people who are not so active. Because I am not.

    So you see, there are people who would prefer you over the new girl in the choir.

    Make peace with the way you are. Be true to yourself, the way you are now, the next moment and the next choir get together. When you see that girl, remind yourself that there are people (I am one) who prefer you over her, take deep breaths, do not rush, slow down and please do post again.

    anita

    October 3, 2016 at 1:21 pm #117070
    Peppermint
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    sorry for the late reply. Last time I posted I was preparing for a volunteer event that took away most of my time, focus and energy for some weeks (even though the event itself was not so long.)

    What you wrote was very nice, and I tried to remind me of it when I went to choir again last week. It so happened that my friend and I arrived at the same time and we sat together. The other girl occasionally looked at us from afar and smiled. There was no jealousy this time, because she was no threat from a distance I guess.

    You wrote:
    “When you wrote about the new girl: ” She is talkative, positive, active”- reads to me that you believe she is superior to you because you are not as talkative, positive and active. As if you are supposed to be like her and are less than for not being more talkative, positive and active. ”

    I think you are right, I feel somewhat inferior, but I see your point that different people (like you) will like different kinds of people. One person from the choir, a really sweet lady, even told me “well that new girl is really strange” which I thought strange at the time. It’s just so difficult to believe that we really might be “equal”. I am not (or only occasionally) a people pleaser. When I feel grumpy/bored/angry, I feel grumpy/bored/angry and I will not pretend otherwise. I have learned with time to listen to my needs (e.g. hunger, need for sleep, for silence etc.) so that there is no need to feel grumpy/bored/angry so much but I often slip. Also I have a nagging suspicion that I tend to be too much of a narcist, but don’t want to go into that right now.

    But I also feel like I failed my standards: I have felt alone and left out often in my life. I know loneliness so when I see other people being alone then I will try to make them feel included. I sense this loneliness in the new girl too, despite her openess. But something still warns me that she might be trouble.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Peppermint.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Peppermint.
    October 3, 2016 at 2:22 pm #117087
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Peppermint:

    I hope you continue to listen to your needs and feelings. Since you feel that girl may be trouble, continue to observe her, her interactions with other. Try to learn who she is without placing yourself in a position where you may be hurt by her. Learn over time, from a distance.

    anita

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