Dear Anita,

Thank you – this was the exact thing I was looking to read. I like how you explain that this question of guilt or innocence is a theoretical one. It reminds me in a way that we are so small in the universe, and that this thought is sometimes to reassuring. It is not MY job/struggle/responsibility to determine say if someone is guilty or blameworthy for bad behavior and should be “charged/looked at” in that way.
That in a way does remove burden off of my sister and I as well (as long as we remind ourselves of this).

I am happy to hear you were just thinking of us. As above, we always carry your wisdom with us. So in short since we last wrote – as expected things have gotten worse and worse. I found myself at rock bottom and in a place that it was destroying me, and feeling the true signs of depression. This of course not only affects me, but also my fiance (who is now currently struggling himself – a grounded happy person now torn by this too of course).

I have not talked to my mother in 3 weeks. It started off as a normal conversation 3 weeks ago before Xmas, and then when my sister went over to my parents on Xmas day they were: cold, icy, and almost ignored her. My sister and I were invited to my fiances Xmas party with his family, and my mother knew this. (During thanksgiving she RUINED our holiday because when she found out I would stop by at my future in laws last minute prior to arriving home she felt it was rude it was last minute and it was just because my future MIL was trying to lure me in last minute and has no regards for my and my fiance’s space).
So when Xmas came around I had made it a point to my mother that i would not allow this same thing to happen again. I decided I wasn’t going to go home to my parents house for Xmas at all – and only go to my fiances family’s party. This took a lot for me, and I felt extremely guilty – but I also felt that I deserved to enjoy this holiday in peace, and I knew that if I avoided going home I would have peace so I should ALLOW myself that.
My sister did go home as I wrote above, and they projected their anger towards me onto her and were very cold and odd. They, by the way, are also convinced that I and my fiances family are also brainwashing my sister against them.

I sent my parents a Merry Xmas text that day, no response. My sister told me how odd they were being while she was there – so I had an idea that something bad was brewing. Needless to say it is 3 weeks later. She called me on Thursday (a few days ago). I for the first time in my life allowed myself to make a choice of whether I should pick up. I texted her I would call her back, to which I got a barrage of questioning: what time, why so late?, ok fine then just call later. From assertive questioning to the old “ok fine if you don’t have time for your mother it’s fine.”

My mother proceeded to then call my sister. It goes sommething like this: how are you? my sister answers and then she totally cuts her off and starts hysterically: 19 DAYS 19 days what did i do so wrong for my own daughter to not talk to me for 19 days.
we know its HIM (fiance) brainwashing her not to talk to us – well in that case she shouldnt talk to his parents either
our own daughter we raised for 31 years now turned against us.
she then proceeded to say how shes told all my aunts and uncles how horrible ive become and abandoned her own parents who have given everything for her – and tells my sister, all aunts and uncles are on their side and are saying “wow what an ungrateful daughter”
my sister mentions well maybe its not him who is MAKING her not talk to youu – maybe its her decision, after all she is an adult. MY mother could absolutely not fathom that – to this she responded: “well why would your sister not want to talk to us on her own.”

After I heard this, I felt an even deeper sense of not wanting to speak to her…NO desire to call her back.