Dear Anita,

Thanks for your advice. There are so many things I’ve realized about myself and how I view perfection because it’s ideals don’t exist. In ap biology, i learned how natural selection cannot fashion perfect organism because then there would be no competition is the environment. Also if everyone was perfect and didn’t experience any flaws, if an environmental stress caused something to happen

I’m debating about writing a college essay about track (how it makes me feel great running out in nature), spirit of myself and science or the ideal of perfection. I have so many ideas and they all share the scientific and spiritual aspect. I could also tie tinybuddha into the mix as well. I have long thought I wasn’t good enough for Andrew because he had so many accomplishments that I didn’t seem to have. But when I”m writing and also going through the stories of my life, I realize I am enough. Andrew has material accomplishments, but it’s not what is on the outside that counts, it’s the person on the inside. I may not have been as many places as Andrew has, but through my writing shines a spirit, a personality that is good enough for both of us. Every one has perfection in their own ways with their talents. I remember when my english iv honors teacher gave us a quote by albert Einstein “Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by it’s ability to climb a tree, it will live it’s entire life thinking it is stupid.” I had to put my thoughts into this quote and at first I wasn’t sure how, but now I think I know. It’s about how everyone has abilities to do different things and we can’t be limited to stereotypes about people.

There is one thing I feel strongly about and it is that society doesn’t treat the causes, they just treat the symptoms. We are educated about drugs and reckless driving constantly, but they are symptoms of something else. Most people take drugs or drive recklessly to feel good in life because there is an underlying cause of sadness in their life.
We don’t talk with people about the prevention of things that lead to risky behaviors as much as we talk about the risky behaviors themselves.

Also society is so concerned with stereotypes of things. I often carry index cards with me to rehearse my vocab cards for ap biology and I apply various modes of studying including rehearsal out loud. People will stare at me, but it’s just one of the ways I study. Sometimes I’ll even draw figures in the air or be in my own world trying to figure out a problem. My English IV Honors teacher says “You have to let your subconscious mind work for you at times.” Sometimes I’ll let myself daydream and act until I stumble on clues to figure out a problem.

It’s like there are two sides of me fighting for control. One side of me doesn’t care about what others think and the other side is very defensive and tries to be perfect in every way. Lately, it’s like those two sides have tried to merge together and I have become this person who wants to isolate myself from everyone except my ap biology classmates. The two sides together has lead to a defensive, competitive nature in me to strive for the best in everything. When I make friendships with people, I don’t want any of them to be shallow ones. So I tend to be aloof when meeting new people. When people ask about things that I feel they will judge me on, I automatically shut down the conversation. Some topics that make me jump out of the conversation are when people ask me about my life’s path and my religion. While, it is true that I am a Buddhist and will go into a science career. There are no labels that I accept to pertain to me except for scientific and spiritual. When people try to impose labels on me or ideals of the way I should pursue my life’s career, I feel restrained by their ideals and it makes me irritated. It makes me think that this life isn’t my own, when I’m trying to make this life my own and forge my heart’s path. I want to find the totality of who I am and there is a part of me that is afraid of letting anyone in as they might try to shape my values to something I don’t agree with. While, I’m thinking about trying to be perfect in everyone’s eyes; there is another part of me that seeks to find my imperfection, that seeks to find myself and appreciate who I am. When I’m seeking perfection in others eyes, I rag myself for all my flaws; but when I’m seeking within myself and caring about the imperfect person I am, then I feel whole again.

The question is how do I assert myself without being cynical when other people push their values on me? How do I rebel against the stereotypes that I feel I’ve put against myself? It’s like what Einstein said about judging myself/people based on a flaw they have when they just don’t have a talent in that field. Also how do I tell Andrew that I like him even though I’m afraid?