Hi Poppy

I took a while to get back to you because I was feeling pretty low, I felt quite defensive and I wanted time to digest what you were saying.

Friend J – to answer your questions -is in my view unlikely to be struggling for money as a friend of hers who I met at New Year has invited us out with him tonight for an expensive meal and she is going. I think she would have said if she was short of cash, but I do plan to explore this with her as our friendship has reached a point where I need to express how I am feeling. Regarding social media, no photos of me or her – she often posts stuff she is doing socially with other people and says what a great time she is having with them.

Friend L – my issue with this is that she only ever comes up to see her daughter. I find that totally reasonable, however she also only ever asks me to join them, she never makes time for us. I get tagged onto whatever she is doing. In fact throughout our friendship, whilst she has been kind to me, its always in the company of others and when things have been planned for us to spend time together, she has flaked off. In this recent situation, I put forward several suggestions of what we could do (which is actually out of character for me) and expressed my joy at seeing her, her response was – verbatim – ‘that is not something we would do’ (when I know it has been in the past). She then went on to say what they were doing and would I like to join them, without mention of my birthday (which was some weeks previous so I did not expect that). To answer your questions, they did not say anything about taking me for cake and paying. The reason I did not try to negotiate the venue at that point was because I had put forward several options already and knowing that this friend – by her own admission – is ‘all about me’. One further thing to mention was that she texted me at midnight with her response ‘that is not something we would do’, having already said she would call me the next day. I felt like she had no consideration of me at all. Having known me for years, she knows I am not a late night person.

Friend D was quite ill, I did not expect a present as she was ill. However I texted her to see if she wanted company as she lives alone and had been at home for 10 days and drop off some magazines and she did not respond. She did respond to my texts asking how she was. I was chuffed to bits to get the book, but I felt how hard would it be for her to come and give it to me personally? Is that a high expectation? She rarely texts me, 90% of the times we get together are my suggestion, the extent of her effort in our friendship is mainly the odd magazine she has read being left on my desk at work. I know she is a good person and not deliberately like this but I don’t feel like she ever thinks about me or considers my feelings.

I do have a tendency to be negative and I work hard on this normally. This has been an opportunity for me to take a hard look at myself and these friendships as I am repeating patterns of not asserting myself. I often don’t assert what I want – this is something I now need to be more aware of – I think your last paragraph is very accurate and I have got to learn how to put that into practice.

BB