Forum Replies Created
January 7, 2019 at 2:10 pm #272907
Also, very burned relates to his difficult family relationships, especially his mother and feeling unloved by her and not letting the last two women get close. That’s all the information I have to form that view on.January 7, 2019 at 2:07 pm #272905
I haven’t yet worked out his true level of maturity. He has a young daughter and I believe this has matured him. I laid my cards our early doors and he told me he is not emotionally available, the last two women tried to change his mind and failed. I do not want emotionally unavailable. I would love for him to change his mind. I don’t want to make him. Seems to me that the best course of action atm is to pull back and let him be. He has serious health issues, its sensible for him to focus on his health and his daughter. I believe in love and its healing powers. I believe he has made a practical decision to deal with an emotionally challenging time and this demonstrates maturity. Its sad but my be best for now. Your view is welcomed as always.January 6, 2019 at 1:23 pm #272615
Mark, Anita, , Inky – thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. Mark, my first love was 24 years ago. I was attracted to his ruddy complexion, boyish good looks and sweet and funny nature. He felt safe to me. I knew him as we both resided at the same college. On reflection, my gut was telling me at the time that I was second choice for him and I was very surprised when he made a move on me as I was just ending my relationship with another. Thank you for encouraging me to look at this. I see parallels!!
Anita, thank you for the warm welcome! I feel this may be the new adding to the old which is why I am pulling away hard right now. As if the picture I saw was a reminder to my psyche to exercise caution. The original guy was emotionally immature. Not sure about this man. I think he is very burned, that is for sure.
Inky, I love your response. Just beautiful, thank you.
This has given me plenty to muse over. I truly am grateful as each of you have provided a different take and they could not be more perfect. Team Buddah ? xxJanuary 6, 2019 at 2:17 am #272513
K sweetie. Here’s the thing. You have been through absolute hell. I’m amazed you are still upright, but you are! Firstly give yourself a massive pat on the back for dealing with a lifetime of shit so far.
You are in survival mode. This helps you survive but does not bring happiness.
You have great insight into what has brought you here and you have the strength to change things. Start small and it will build, I promise you. Find ways to comfort yourself. I have baths twice a day, go to bed with a hot water bottle, cry, listen to music, draw pictures, sit in the quiet and think. Eat nice things, cheese on toast, cups of tea. As you go along you will find your own comforts. You may find comfort allows you to feel sadder at first but stick with it, you’ll get through that.
Then start to figure out what you can do to help yourself. Set one goal or challenge a day. Stick to practical stuff go from there. You will have good days and bad days but keep with it. Churchill famously said, success comes from moving from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
Sending love and hugs xxDecember 3, 2018 at 10:58 pm #267675
I may be able to clarify why your feelings are so strong. She is out of reach. Emotionally unavailable. She has given in to lust and in doing so, has confused your emotions. This intensifies them. You deserve more. You deserve a person in your life to hold close and who will openly discuss their emotions. That is what emotionally available looks like.
Start be being open to that possibility.
BeanDecember 3, 2018 at 10:49 pm #267671
Self love was a mystery to me too, as was being kind to myself. You have already started to self love by looking within, with a counsellor. For me, self love looks like eating chocolate eclairs for breakfast when I fancy it. Making myself breakfast in bed. Making my bed every day. Snuggling under the covers when the world feels harsh. Speaking to my mates when I need to talk or have a laugh, soaking in the bath before work, snacking in the bath when I fancy it. Spending time with my thoughts. Stroking my cat whenever I feel like it. I put my own needs first but still help others.
I hope this helps!!
BeanMarch 26, 2017 at 12:10 pm #142211
I think you need to treat the situation as though it is a break up. It sounds very much like you have been very supportive of your partner over the course of your relationship. Depression is tough to live with for partners as much as sufferers. Its time to put yourself first and deal with this in a way to strengthen your resolve and so he can understand you are not to be dragged into his emotional yoyo-ing. Set him free, set yourself free, live your life for yourself and IF at any stage he regrets his decision, he will need to work to regain your trust.
BBFebruary 19, 2017 at 1:01 pm #128349
The roadblocks in my life:
Avoidance of discomfort
Lack of knowledge
I don’t often assess my roadblocks (avoidance of discomfort) so this was an interesting exercise!
BBFebruary 19, 2017 at 12:47 pm #128345
I think I understood the point you were making – that I’m drawn to people who are not supportive? I acknowledged this in my final sentence. I agree with you, something to explore.
BBFebruary 19, 2017 at 11:51 am #128337
Thank you – on reflection maybe I view my friends being closer than they view me – if that makes sense. I hear what you are saying – its a tough one for me put in practice, but I will be trying.
BBFebruary 19, 2017 at 11:45 am #128335
I responded to Poppy’s post because she asked me to – she also went into some detail in responding to my request, asked many questions and offered suggestions and advice.
Your last post to me was supportive in the first sentence, thereafter you posted a view that my friends actions were not caring -if I’ve interpreted you correctly? I genuinely did not realise that you would have liked me to respond and I’m sorry if I’ve caused you offence.
Over time I have noticed that often, when you post to people you invite a response, I assumed that you did not ask for one because you did not want/need one. However I was glad to see you posted again
I think your final paragraph may be quite true and a pattern I need to address.February 17, 2017 at 11:40 pm #128175
I took a while to get back to you because I was feeling pretty low, I felt quite defensive and I wanted time to digest what you were saying.
Friend J – to answer your questions -is in my view unlikely to be struggling for money as a friend of hers who I met at New Year has invited us out with him tonight for an expensive meal and she is going. I think she would have said if she was short of cash, but I do plan to explore this with her as our friendship has reached a point where I need to express how I am feeling. Regarding social media, no photos of me or her – she often posts stuff she is doing socially with other people and says what a great time she is having with them.
Friend L – my issue with this is that she only ever comes up to see her daughter. I find that totally reasonable, however she also only ever asks me to join them, she never makes time for us. I get tagged onto whatever she is doing. In fact throughout our friendship, whilst she has been kind to me, its always in the company of others and when things have been planned for us to spend time together, she has flaked off. In this recent situation, I put forward several suggestions of what we could do (which is actually out of character for me) and expressed my joy at seeing her, her response was – verbatim – ‘that is not something we would do’ (when I know it has been in the past). She then went on to say what they were doing and would I like to join them, without mention of my birthday (which was some weeks previous so I did not expect that). To answer your questions, they did not say anything about taking me for cake and paying. The reason I did not try to negotiate the venue at that point was because I had put forward several options already and knowing that this friend – by her own admission – is ‘all about me’. One further thing to mention was that she texted me at midnight with her response ‘that is not something we would do’, having already said she would call me the next day. I felt like she had no consideration of me at all. Having known me for years, she knows I am not a late night person.
Friend D was quite ill, I did not expect a present as she was ill. However I texted her to see if she wanted company as she lives alone and had been at home for 10 days and drop off some magazines and she did not respond. She did respond to my texts asking how she was. I was chuffed to bits to get the book, but I felt how hard would it be for her to come and give it to me personally? Is that a high expectation? She rarely texts me, 90% of the times we get together are my suggestion, the extent of her effort in our friendship is mainly the odd magazine she has read being left on my desk at work. I know she is a good person and not deliberately like this but I don’t feel like she ever thinks about me or considers my feelings.
I do have a tendency to be negative and I work hard on this normally. This has been an opportunity for me to take a hard look at myself and these friendships as I am repeating patterns of not asserting myself. I often don’t assert what I want – this is something I now need to be more aware of – I think your last paragraph is very accurate and I have got to learn how to put that into practice.
BBFebruary 13, 2017 at 12:25 pm #127471
Thank you for the responses, all quite different – all have given me food for thought.
Omni1 – My answer in the past has been to cut ties in friendships where I feel ‘friends’ are neglectful of my feelings. However, this is not a pattern I want to follow. Friends are not easy to replace, especially as you age, people have their established friendship groups and I find it is harder to make close friendships. I would prefer to try and resolve the problem – but in a way that does not push people away but they hopefully realise something is amiss and want to rectify this. I do not feel ready to cut ties in this situation, but what you say about finding new friends, I think is something I will put effort into.
Anita – thank you 🙂 I am calmer. I went for a walk and worked through my negative emotions on paper. The three women are not close friends, they are just friends. They do not rely on me for their emotional needs, that is not to say we don’t share feelings about situations in our lives, but they have established friendships/partners/family who meet their emotional needs.
Friend J I saw before my birthday, I suggested we go out to a country tea room for a walk and tea and cake. She let me drive, she said she had not got me a present, she let me pay for my own cake and tea. When we got back, she put her photos on social media with no mention of me, it read as if she had done something completely separate to me. I felt wounded. My friend L lives 2 hours away. She came up this weekend to stay with her daughter and invited me to join her with her daughter, doing what her daughter wants. I politely declined. Her daughter then texted me to say that my friend L wanted to treat me for my birthday! What she meant was pay for my cake at a place they had chosen to suit themselves.
My friend D works in the same office – she was the one who left the (wrapped) book on my desk. She was ill over my birthday.
I had texts and FB messages on my birthday. Friend J rang me, but she had (annoyingly) forgotten (from when we were together the day before) that I was driving up to Surrey for the day.
Inky – Are you saying that you think my friends will feel resentful if I let them know that I feel hurt because they did (and do generally) not consider my feelings in our friendships? I hear what you say and I am pondering on it. I think if I gave the book back, friend D who gave it to me would not understand why and would feel incredibly hurt – which is not my aim.
I think you are right, we teach people how to treat us. What I need to figure out is how to do this . I don’t feel that my friends have been mean to me deliberately, just completely ignorant of my feelings. Thank you for your response, it has helped to clarify things a great deal 🙂 Blessings to you too!January 1, 2017 at 8:18 am #124200
Happy New Year guys xx may 2017 be your best yet!! XxDecember 17, 2016 at 12:29 pm #122943
My fear is of letting her go. Also fear of being a failure in yet another relationship and fears that I will be alone completely and have nobody to share good times with.
Thank you for your supportive words above, they mean a lot. Its a very negative place in my head at the minute, my sense of failure in relationships is heightened with the time of year.