Hi Rooo

Great questions. Love is a word we tend use without really reflecting on what we mean when we are using it. The word Love become even more complicated when we add a qualifier such as unconditional. My observations have been that many people mistake unconditional love with unconditional allowing. You can quickly see how such a expectation of unconditional love might end. Poor boundaries and a loss of sense of self.

When I asked myself how and when I experienced being loved it was at times when I was “seen” and that who I was and what I did and say mattered. Such experiences also gave me a sense of meaning and purpose. It occurred to me that meaning and purpose must be attributes of the experience of love which would mean that accountability and responsibility where also attributes of the experience of love.  If I want to experience love I am also asking that who I am and what I do matters and to matter I must be allowed to be held accountable for who I am and what I do. If I was never held accountable nothing I did would lead to a experience of meaning or purpose.

For me unconditional love involves the concepts of meaning, purpose and accountability which might sound like a paradox but it isn’t. Perhaps you have already learned that sometimes love – unconditional love – meant having to end a relationship.

The command to Love our neighbors as our self is interesting as it begs the question, how is it that we love our selves and how does that influence our ability to love others.

If were honest with ourselves we don’t always like ourselves and we can be very hard on ourselves. Is this how we love others?   Probably not. I suspect your more likely to give others the benefit of the doubt and generally want them to succeed. Such is a clue to how one loves oneself . We don’t have to always like ourselves but we love ourselves when we hold ourselves accountable while giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt creating space to do and be better when we learn better without harsh judgments or labeling ourselves as being those judgments. (you are not your experiences you have experiences)

Had the command been to Like our neighbors… that would be hard. Thank goodness Love does not require us to always have to like those we love or always having to like ourselves. Such a understanding that you can love someone even during those times when you don’t like them (the experience of the moment) frees you and others from a lot of unnecessary suffering.

We love ourselves and we love others when we witness others and ourselves as we are, the good and the bad, while creating space for doing better when learning better even as we holding ourselves and others accountable (boundaries) so that we might experience meaning, purpose and being loved.

Maybe none of that made any sense…. I recommend the book  ‘How to Be an Adult in Love – Letting love in Safely and Showing it Recklessly’ by David Richo

We were made to love and be loved. Loving ourselves and others is in our genetic code. It’s nothing other than the purpose of our lives—but knowing that doesn’t make it easy to do. We find it a challenge to love ourselves. We might have a hard time letting love in from others: recognizing it, accepting it. We’re often afraid of getting hurt. It is also sometimes scary for us to share love with those around us—and love that isn’t shared leaves us feeling flat and unfulfilled.We explore ways to love ourselves without guilt and with generosity. We learn how to love others with awareness of our boundaries. We confront our fears of love and loving. We embrace the spiritual challenge of letting our scope of love expand. Then love is a caring connection, unconditional, universal, and joyous. – David Richo

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Peter.

Hi

Self love was a mystery to me too, as was being kind to myself. You have already started to self love by looking within, with a counsellor. For me, self love looks like eating chocolate eclairs for breakfast when I fancy it. Making myself breakfast in bed. Making my bed every day. Snuggling under the covers when the world feels harsh. Speaking to my mates when I need to talk or have a laugh, soaking in the bath before work, snacking in the bath when I fancy it. Spending time with my thoughts. Stroking my cat whenever I feel like it. I put my own needs first but still help others.

I hope this helps!!

Bean