fbpx
Menu

Dating your first love again, but not quite…

Home→Forums→Relationships→Dating your first love again, but not quite…

New Reply
Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • January 6, 2019 at 2:05 am #272511
    Bakedbean
    Participant

    Dear Buddites

     

    I am seeking your views on a current issue which I am pondering over a lot.

     

    I have feelings for a guy who is in my life. I have always been attracted to him but he is not my type at all. Recently we have grown closer and I saw a photo of him as a lad and he looked very similar to my first love, who broke my heart hard and cheated on me.

     

    This has made me think about why I might be attracted to him and whether my feelings are real or an old, deep seated wound that has re-opened.

     

    I’m quite an introvert when it comes to talking about me feelings so I thought I would put this out to the universe and the broad wisdom of Tiny Buddha.

     

     

    What are your thoughts?

     

    Bb

     

     

     

     

    January 6, 2019 at 5:43 am #272531
    Mark
    Participant

    Bb,

    When you said that you had a past relationship with a guy who cheated on you, I wonder what have you learned about yourself from that relationship?  Do you understand why you were attracted to him?  What did things you noticed about yourself that you did not notice before while you were with him?

    I find it good to learn the lessons from past relationships in order to have better awareness for the next one.

    Plus it helps to know about our upbringing and how that plays into the unconscious choices we make in our lives especially about those we are attracted to.

    Mark

    January 6, 2019 at 10:00 am #272579
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bb:

    Welcome back!

    This current man is not your type but you are attracted to him. A photo  of him when he was younger reminded you of another man, your “first love”.

    “This has made me think about why I might be attracted to  him”- well, I am guessing you were attracted to your “first love” at one point, correct?  The new man reminding you of the first love triggered that attraction, makes sense?

    “and whether my feelings are real or an old, deep seated wound that has re-opened”- your feelings are real and significant emotional wounds don’t disappear, they keep vibrating pain at times,  attraction or desire at other times.

    The old doesn’t go away, replaced by the new. The new, if we let it, is added   to the old and if we understand which is which, it  isn’t confusing, once  we understand, that  is.

    I  hope you post more about this new relationship and I will be glad  to reply.

    anita

    January 6, 2019 at 10:22 am #272583
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Bakedbean,

    Here’s a thought, and it’s pretty wild.

    What if this new guy IS your type, and your soul is pre-set to recognize him? And what if when you met your first love you were attracted to him because he looks like the new guy that you hadn’t met yet?

    We do have types, even when they aren’t what we think of as “our type”.

    Thing about it.

    Best,

    Inky

    January 6, 2019 at 1:23 pm #272615
    Bakedbean
    Participant

    Mark, Anita, , Inky – thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. Mark, my first love was 24 years ago. I was attracted to his ruddy complexion, boyish good looks and sweet and funny nature. He felt safe to me.  I knew him as we both resided at the same college. On reflection, my gut was telling me at the time that I was second choice for him and I was very surprised when he made a move on me as I was just ending my relationship with another. Thank you for encouraging me to look at this. I see parallels!!

     

    Anita, thank you for the warm welcome! I feel this may be the new adding to the old which is why I am pulling away hard right now. As if the picture I saw was a reminder to my psyche to exercise caution. The original guy was emotionally immature. Not sure about this man. I think he is very burned, that is for sure.

     

    Inky, I love your response. Just beautiful, thank you.

    This has given me plenty to muse over. I truly am grateful as each of you have provided a different take and they could not be more perfect. Team Buddah ? xx

     

     

    January 7, 2019 at 1:31 pm #272887
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bb:

    You are welcome. “The original guy was emotionally immature.  Not sure about this man”- why don’t you get to know him, learn if he is mature or immature?

    I wonder what you mean by him being “very burned, that is for sure”?

    anita

    January 7, 2019 at 2:07 pm #272905
    Bakedbean
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I haven’t yet worked out his true level of maturity. He has a young daughter and I believe this has matured him.  I laid my cards our early doors and he told me he is not emotionally available, the last two women tried to change his mind and failed. I do not want emotionally unavailable. I would love for him to change his mind. I don’t want to make him. Seems to me that the best course of action atm is to pull back and let him be. He has serious health issues, its sensible for him to focus on his health and his daughter. I believe in love and its healing powers. I believe he has made a practical decision to deal with an emotionally challenging time and this demonstrates maturity. Its sad but my be best for now. Your view is welcomed as always.

     

     

    January 7, 2019 at 2:10 pm #272907
    Bakedbean
    Participant

    Also, very burned relates to his difficult family relationships, especially his mother and feeling unloved by her and not letting the last two women get close. That’s all the information I have to form that view on.

    January 8, 2019 at 8:23 am #273041
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bakedbean:

    Well, if he is emotionally unavailable, and this  is what he told you, then he is not available for a relationship with you, and the question of his emotional maturity is mute in this context, isn’t it.

    You wrote that he feels unloved by his mother. A child feeling unloved by his mother is a very powerful experience, leading to serious consequences lifetime. Who knows, maybe his health problems are partly at least such a consequence.

    You wrote: “I believe in love  and its healing powers”- yes, love heals.  Sometimes that healing is  not enough and  a person is lost in sickness, the sickness has taken hold for  too long.

    anita

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.