Dear Alexandra:

You wrote that you told yourself in relation to this man: “.. im going to be a better partner and person than i have ever been.”

And you wrote: “i have said a few white lies here and there…i know i wasnt perfect… my insecurities and my anxieties”-

You don’t have to be perfect to be loved. As a matter of reality, it is impossible for you to be perfect as it is impossible for any human being to be perfect. If perfection was the condition to being loved, then no one would be loved.

It is a big pressure you put on yourself: the pressure to be perfect. There is no way to achieve that. I think you meant (in the first quote above) something like: I’m going to be a perfect partner and person… and then, he will love me.

You wrote: “Love is so powerful and simple. We are the ones that make it complicated”- the complication you are adding to love is the pre-condition of you being perfect. This is a complication that can not be overcome.

Reads to me that in a relationship with a man, when things go wrong, you automatically think: what am I doing wrong, or what-have-I-done wrong. And in your mind, any imperfection on your part “explains” any wrong doing on his.

It takes time and work to heal so to figure out what is reasonably imperfect and what is pure-and-simple-wrong; then allow the imperfections and disallow the wrong.

Before enough healing, with anxiety and distress, you do find yourself acting in ways you wish you didn’t. And that only adds to you blaming yourself.

Post anytime with your thoughts and feelings.

anita