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I dont know if i am doing the right thing

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  • #128295
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    I have been with my bf for nealry 2 and half years, it hasnt been the best 2 and a half years but it hasn’t been all that bad either. He works with the Air force and i met him during his deployment, we instantly fell in love and after a year of a long distance relationship i sacrificed and left everything i had here to move to the UK with him. That meant leaving my job that i was comfortable in, my home, my friends and my family. He was already married and had a 5 year old son when i moved there so you can imagine the emotional roller coaster i was going through. He wasnt supportive at all, he was deployed twice when he promised me he wouldnt be deployed again, whilst deployed i was left at home not knowing anyone and him continuosly lieing to me whilst he was out clubbing with his friends, neither did he sympathise with me nor did he ever show support. Things werent going well at all and i fell into depression, there was no appreciation or support and i wanted to go back home, i couldnt take the lies either as i had started snooping in his phone and saw a picture message of a half naked woman and plans with his friends on which clubs to go to etc.. i had enough and said i was leaving, i asked my mum to fly over so as to help me with all my stuff because i had brought practically my whole life,my car and my dog. He yet again was on another deployment and i told him i was leaving and it was for the best..he begged and he pleaded and he promised me that things would change and how blind he was. He has a personality disorder due to his very messed up childhood, his adoptive mother has also told me that he should have gotten help a very long time ago but he hasnt , hence why he acts the way he acts. To cut a long story short i stayed, i believe in giving people a second chance. Things got better, but then it was neber stable it was 3 days great 3 days bad and so it went on and on like this. I felt so unappreciated and un loved and i felt all he wanted to do was escape and run away from everything, I had a talk with him and told him, i want a family i want to get married and i want a stable life, if you cannot give me this then please lets just go our seperate ways.. i love him so much i have never fought and grieved as much for anyone and i HATE giving up. He promised he would get help and change his ways and that he realised we were drifting apart.. 3 days went by and the same old crap again. Something clicked in me and i spoke to my boss that i needed to go away for a while and that i needed my doggie and my things to be looked after he agreed as we are very good friends and i booked a ticket and i went back to my country and i am still here its been 2 weeks. My head is completely dead, i feel lost and i feel so much pain. I have started going to a psycologist and she is amazing, but i still dont know what i want anymore. The love i have for him is so so strong and i dont want to let go he has said he is going to the psycologist now too and that he has made him see a lot of the problem is him etc.. but i dont know anymore..will i be happier without him? The man i love so much the man i still so want to be with?

    #128297
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    obviously i cannot diagnose him, but i have done a lot of research online and he fits a narcisstic sociopath down to a T … there is literally nothing online about staying with one.. it all says leave and break up with them asap as the relationship is doomed etc.. well arent they human too? … im very confused here

    #128307
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alexandra:

    Welcome back to the forums! I re-read your posts from a year and a half ago, before you left to the UK to be with him. At that time he disapproved of you having friends, was possessive of you. In the UK, while he was living with you (not deployed) he went clubbing with his friends, lying to you about it, and a woman sent him a half naked picture of herself (on his phone). How often did he go clubbing during the year (?) of you living with him in the UK?

    What are the behaviors you observed about him that fit “a narcisstic sociopath down to a T”?

    anita

    #128445
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Hello Anita

    Yes i am back and i remember asking if it was the right thing to do and everyone advised me not to do it, but i followed my heart and not my head which is normal for me.

    Whilst he was living with me he went a couple of times, there was one incident where we had his son for the weekend and he asked if he could go for a couple of hours to a pub with some friends from work. I said ok no problem as i get on very well with his son, i could say i am closer to his son than he is. He left and he came back 14 hours later with no contact from him.. i had his son to look after, make him his lunch, dinner, bath and put him to bed. I was so angry with him when he stumbled in drunk, blamed the fact i said i had wanted to leave him, and thats when i said i was leaving him and i was through with it all.. i checked his phone while he was asleep and there i saw a picture of him in a club with him and his friends and pictures of women all sitting toegther, ofcourse denied that he did anything and someone else was taking the pictures eventhough his phone is passworded.
    The half naked picture i found on xmas day a couple of months after moving to the uk with him,,whilst i visited his parents for the first time. IT WAS THE WORST XMAS I HAVE EVER HAD.

    Signs of a sociopath i,e He is very charming, he knows what to say and when to say it. He loves to talk about his accompplishments a lot and how better he is than everybody else and never has time or the want to listen to your achievements and has no interest or may do on very rare occasions. He has had a very bad childhood prior to being adopted but i know personally from what his adoptive mother has told me that she gave him and his sister the best upbringing she could, what she regrets though is not sending them for help as she said she had noticed something wasnt right with him behaviour wise. Despite all this he is very disconnected from his family and all these friends he claims to have dont really exist apart from work friends. He always plays the victim with ANYTHING, its his childhood that has made him this way, oh you left me ally not me i didint give up etc.. he always manages to make me feel like it is always my fault or i am the one thats paranoid. He is void of all emotions or sympathy..i could be crying after an argument, crying to the point anyone would come and calm me down and say everything is going to be ok.. not him he will walk away and watch a movie and then go to sleep. I left once and slept in my car at a supermarket parking..it was -2 that night and he heard me leave..he didnt message me once to see if i was safe he fell asleep and i found him in bed that morning at 6am when i walked in..he didnt care. Makes me feel bad if he sees me on the phone talking to my friends or family and very rarely asks if everyone is alright.

    I read all this and i think what the hell am i doing with this person… why am i destroying myself. I HAVE NEVER ever felt this way and have never felt it this hard to let go of someone. Like i have said above i am home now with family and friends but all i want to do is be alone, not see or talk to anyone. The only person i can open up to is my psycologist.. i feel emotionally dead. I love him and i want to help him.. but cant falsly diagnose him and leave him for that …which comes back to my question can you ever stay with a sociopath and be happy ? 🙁 i really am at a loss of feleings..decisions.. x

    #128447
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    how do you tell someone that they may be a sociopath? Does it change anything?

    #128505
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alexandra:

    You suspect he fits the diagnoses of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder or an Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopathy). After re-reading your posts on this thread, you may fit the Histrionic Personality disorder (HPD). Wikipedia states: “People with HPD have a high need for attention, make loud and inappropriate appearances, exaggerate their behaviors and emotions, and crave stimulation. They… express strong emotions with an impressionistic style…and persistent manipulative behavior to achieve their own needs.”

    And this is your behavior: “i could be crying after an argument, crying to the point anyone would come and calm me down… I left once and slept in my car at a supermarket parking..it was -2 that night and he heard me leave..he didnt message me once to see if i was safe he fell asleep and i found him in bed that morning at 6am when i walked in.” Crying a whole lot so to draw his attention and leaving at 2 am is an expression of that impressionistic style, isn’t it?

    Better abandon personality disorder labels and look at the core issues. What are those core issues, do you think, the fundamental, simple issues here?

    anita

    #128617
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    To Anita

    I have done my research on ”Histrionic Personality disorder” since you have told me that you believe that i fit this type of personality disorder. There are a few traits that fit my personality i wont lie to you, but very few and i believe when any woman or man who feels so strongly about something and shows so much emotion to a person who is void of any emotions would react the same way i did and do.. this is how i see it. I have never ever heard of this personality disorder and i wasn’t trying to label him so as to demoralize him or make him feel bad or damn even make an excuse for him which is what i often find myself doing. I got into a state of panic/worry that maybe this is what he does actually have and that when i did as much research i could do about sociopaths they all say to get out of the relationship. The reason being why i asked can someone remain happy with a socipath is because if this is truly his reason for being the way he is then maybe there truly is no hope.

    The core issue is, that i wasnt happy. Yes that is the core issue, he didnt make me happy in regards to the way he behaved and treated me. I know what the core issue is, i know this isnt what a relationship should be like and we like any other couple had our ups and have had our downs too…unfortunately the latter one.

    I am currently seeking psychological help and she is helping me through cognitive therapy and i am getting stronger but this very strong urge to help and to love people is what is not letting me let go of him. I know i am not helping me or him in the long run because if i go running back, it means i will be starting the vicious cycle again and he will start to feel comfortable and maybe stop getting the help he needs because everything is back to normal again.

    My question is..how do i go about this. Do i let go and let him help himself and then maybe once he is better he can come back and try again? Or shall i let go before i completely destroy myself in the process which is what i already have done i dont think i can hit lower than what i am now.

    What scares me i think, is the fact he moved on very fast after his ex wife of 10 years..but then again i dont know too much about their relationship as he doesnt say much about it.. it scares me to think i cut contact and he will be off with someone and falling in love with her.. and yes i know that is just proof enough of how much he regarded our relationship ..

    i am just at a loss and i am very confused and i feel like i am stuck in limbo..not knowing where home truly is.

    #128683
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alexandra:

    No, I don’t believe your fit Histrionic Personality Disorder. Like you wrote, some symptoms fit with your behavior, same with his case, probably. When you try to figure him out, and yourself, think of root causes.

    In your original post you wrote: “I have been with my bf for nealry 2 and half years, it hasnt been the best 2 and a half years but it hasn’t been all that bad either”- here is a hint of a root cause to your predicament: “it hasn’t been all that bad”-

    There must have been very bad experiences in you life to make this one, by comparison, not “all that bad.”

    In July 2015 you wrote: “I have had a very dysfunctional family growing up…ive never felt i had a family”- Seems to me that is where that really-bad experience is, the one making this 2.5 years not “all that bad.”

    If you would like, share with me the history of your relationship with your mother?

    anita

    #130659
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    I am sorry i have taken so wrong to reply, i wanted to take a break from everything.

    I dont think i had such a bad childhood, yes it was dysfunctional but i dont think it was all that bad, im sure other people have gone through worse than i.

    I grew up with my mother and my two eldest sisters, their father (who took me on) was split up from my mum but to cut the long story short he supported her and all of us.. which is why i admire and love him so much, that a man despite losing the woman he loved he took me on eventhough i wasnt his. His death took a huge toll on me. The thing is i never knew he wasnt my father, i was told at 6 years old that he wasnt my dad.. in which i had to meet my real dad who didnt really care and still hasnt, i havent heard from him in years despite my many efforts to speak to him.

    I had good moments with my bf, his issues were a lot more than mine Anita and he knew that. I by all means was not perfect and i could have done more to help myself to maybe be strong enough to handle his issues? i know he loves me the best he can..but the constant want to lie, the constant disconnection to his family.. he knows he hurts people that love him..! He is now going to therapy and its helping him. I know he is scared of abandonment ( which is something i did by leaving him), and he retaliates and tries to hurt others back. I have only just found he messed around few days before i left.. before his councilling. I found out as i started snooping.. he is calling me now saying how sorry he is .. that he is so messed up inside and he didnt sleep with her and he cant understand how i can still love him. I am so hurt and feel so betrayed but i dont hate him.. i know why he did it .. there was no excuse for what he did .. he says i left him and we were apart.. which is true. But i respected him enough and remained loyal through and through. My family and friends will be so dissapointed in me if i go back .. i dont even know why the hell i want to go back ???? why god why ??

    #130669
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alexandra:

    In an effort to answer your question: Why you want this man back?, I ask the following: in your previous thread you wrote: “my mother did make very bad choices in her life”- what were her bad, or worst choices in life, choices that affected you badly?

    anita

    #131659
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    The choice she made to leave me when i was 14 for a man in a different country..

    #131683
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alexandra:

    In the post before last, you asked: “i dont even know why the hell i want to go back ???? why god why ??”

    In a post earlier you wrote about him: “I know he is scared of abandonment ( which is something i did by leaving him)”- I think you feel a lot of empathy for him, believing he is feeling as badly as you felt at 14 when your mother abandoned you. I think that you don’t want to do to him what your mother did to you.

    If I am correct, the problem with this projection (of your experience into him), is that it is probably not an accurate projection. His feelings about you leaving him are not the same as yours when you were 14. He is an adult with a different life experience. Some things in his history are similar to yours as all humans share so many commonalities, but it is not the same.

    What do you think?

    anita

    #131695
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Thank you for replying. Unfortunately i am too empathetic for my own good sometimes. i do feel empathy for him for many many things and maybe yes maybe i am very scared of abandonment too, i have never thought about it that way.

    I agree with you completely.. we are both human with a bucket full of emotions. Does this mean that with help, professional help we could maybe work this out.. as a team?

    #131703
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alexandra:

    It is possible and even likely for two individuals willing, to help each other through difficulties, especially with competent couple and individual psychotherapy. In many cases, I believe, it is possible only with such professional help. Unfortunately, in this case, it doesn’t look like it, to me. Simply because of the history of the relationship and the ways the two of you acted and reacted to each other. You have a way better statistical chance (way better!)for a healthy, loving relationship with another man than you have with him.

    anita

    #131725
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I was worried you were going to tell me that, everyone including yourself feels that we cant work purely because of what he has done to me and the way we have both treated the relationship. I guess i am still in denial as i still feel i can help him and that we can work on everything again… i just wish i could make all this pain go away and just make my decision clearer. I love him too much to see clearly..

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