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I dont know if i am doing the right thing

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  • #131735
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alexandra:

    I understand you loving him “too much to see clearly”- strong emotional attachment is often not congruent with reasonable thinking. We want something so desperately we make-believe it is possible or likely, when it is not possible at all, or, if possible, unlikely.

    The pain you wish to go away, I think it is fueled by the pain you had as a child, related to maybe your mother abandoning you, and/ or other pain of being neglected or rejected by either her or your biological father earlier than 14. That pain is probably added to the pain over this man. If you could remove the earlier pain in competent psychotherapy, from the current pain, peel it off (over time, with work), you will be able to see clearly.

    anita

    #131737
    anita
    Participant

    * didn’t record…

    #131867
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Yes unfortunately i form very strong emotional attachments to people, which is probably one of the main reasons why i get hurt so easily. I have never thought about it that way, i am going to psychologist at the moment and she is helping me through cognitive therapy. We have gone through small parts of my childhood and from my experiances it is evident that my need for acceptance and love is because what i went through.. i dont like rejection as i think its a personal attack to me. I know this isnt my fault, i have been loyal, truthful and faithfull to him throughout, yes i have said a few white lies here and there..but never something that could potentially hurt him or us. Its hard letting go and when i do it takes me so long that i find myself lost.

    The relationship ive had with him has been so different to the rest of my relationships..i feel this one has hit me very very badly as i attached myself to a lot of promises, dreams and the hope of this being it.. getting married and having a family, i honestly thought he was the one. Yes maybe i am more in love with what i wanted the relationship to be, or how i fantasized it being but Despite the bad times i was adamant not to give up, i promised myself i wouldnt give up so easily like i normally do and i trusted him 100 %, even when i had doubts i wiped them from my mind and i told myself he loves me and thats that, he wont hurt me like the rest have and i wont hurt him.. im going to be a better partner and person than i have ever been.

    This was true, i matured in a way i never thought possible.. i also had the responsibilty of becoming somewhat a step mother to his son and the joy of doing that fullfilled me in every way possible..it felt so nautral. I love him very much and everything i did was out of love and i know i wasnt perfect, he had the pressure of having to deal with my insecurities and my anxieties but he never wanted to help or support me on a deeper level..he thought telling me ”you look really good” ”you are beautiful” once in a while would make me feel better, yes they did at the time of him saying it,but it never helped my underlying issues and maybe this wasnt his place to do so and i should have looked for professional help. He has his own issues and had mine to deal with too and not everyone can juggle too much at the same time… i get that.

    Then it comes back to the constant lies about his past, things i wish i had known and maybe i would have never gotten into the relationship in the first place, then lies about what he was doing whilst he was with me.. trust is one of my biggest issues..and he betrayed something that was most important to me. I know the saying .. once a cheat always a cheat. I dont believe this anymore.. i have cheated in my relationships, yet this one i havent and have never been tempted to either ..i believe when someone WANTS to change they can.. but not because they have to because it will make their lives easier.. This is what i am trying to make him see, that if he truly WANTS to change anything is possible, obviously with professional help but ANYTHING is possible. Maybe i am wishing and waiting for the impossible or a miracle.. i just wish he could see what true potential he has to being a good parent and a good partner, but he has to do this on his own as evidently i couldnt help. Yes i have realised it has come back to me defending him again and trying to help him than help myself, i dont know why i do it.

    Love is so powerful and simple. We are the ones that make it complicated.

    Alexandra

    #131963
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alexandra:

    You wrote that you told yourself in relation to this man: “.. im going to be a better partner and person than i have ever been.”

    And you wrote: “i have said a few white lies here and there…i know i wasnt perfect… my insecurities and my anxieties”-

    You don’t have to be perfect to be loved. As a matter of reality, it is impossible for you to be perfect as it is impossible for any human being to be perfect. If perfection was the condition to being loved, then no one would be loved.

    It is a big pressure you put on yourself: the pressure to be perfect. There is no way to achieve that. I think you meant (in the first quote above) something like: I’m going to be a perfect partner and person… and then, he will love me.

    You wrote: “Love is so powerful and simple. We are the ones that make it complicated”- the complication you are adding to love is the pre-condition of you being perfect. This is a complication that can not be overcome.

    Reads to me that in a relationship with a man, when things go wrong, you automatically think: what am I doing wrong, or what-have-I-done wrong. And in your mind, any imperfection on your part “explains” any wrong doing on his.

    It takes time and work to heal so to figure out what is reasonably imperfect and what is pure-and-simple-wrong; then allow the imperfections and disallow the wrong.

    Before enough healing, with anxiety and distress, you do find yourself acting in ways you wish you didn’t. And that only adds to you blaming yourself.

    Post anytime with your thoughts and feelings.

    anita

    #132547
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Wow your words actually made me start crying and you are so right. My psychologist told me the same thing that i strive to perfect and i never realised at how badly i try to be perfect and what pressures it puts on me to be perfect. Probably goes down to yet again wanting to be accepted and not to be judged.

    “You dont have to be perfect to be loved” i love that sentance, it made me smile with tears in my eyes because its true, no one is perfect and i know i am not perfect but i try so hard to be because i love that somebody too much to even consider being less than perfect.

    Yes those are my initial thoughts, that i am the one to blame and i am the one thats doing all the wrong. In this case very much so, it is only when i speak to my family or friends that they make me see different but then a few hours later i start to think ..i shouldnt be thinking like this, this is what other people think and i shouldnt let anyone make me think any different..im listening to them and not my own heart. Does this make sense?

    Thank you so much Anita for hearing me out and guiding me, you are one of the strengths i need right now. I know what i need to do, i know going back with him is also a massive risk.. but i dont understand why the hell im leaning towards taking another rest.. this must have to do with MY psychological issues…

    I just feel like i am going round and round in circles with him.

    #132551
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alexandra:

    You are welcome. You asked: “im listening to them and not my own heart. Does this make sense?”- yes, this is what makes sense to me: your heart needs love so desperately, that it doesn’t listen to logic.

    It is like a person being very thirsty at sea and the only water available is salt water. The person needs fresh water so desperately, that it doesn’t listen to logic: salt water will make the thirst worse, not better, and he drinks the salt water.

    You wanting to get back with him is like drinking salt water.

    How do I know? Because of your past experience with him and reading (in your posts) that nothing changed, so there is no logical reason to think it will be different next time.

    There is no point in you taking what you yourself called “a massive risk” without something significant changing before you take yet another risk.

    But back to the heart (emotional reasoning) vs the head (logical/ rational reasoning): your heart is telling you the truth: you do need love. The part that is not true is where to get it, or how to get it. You think there is only one source of love, and that is, this man. Maybe he is the sea to your thirst and love is not there. Maybe it is elsewhere.

    * Regarding being imperfect vs doing wrong: can you give examples about your behavior that is imperfection vs wrong, and same in his behavior?

    anita

    #136545
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I fully understand what you have said to me and it all makes sense. I do have an update thought, 3 days ago unbeknown to me he flew over for one night as he had to be back the following day because he was on duty to come and speak to my mum to prove to her how sorry he was and how stupid he has been. I know on his part it took a lot of guts to do that to face my mum after eveything thats happened.. at least he has shown some effort? We spoke till early hours of the morning, he broke down cyring and said he wants to change and that its not all words anymore, that he is getting help and he has realised what he has done to us. I also said that i too have to change a few things etc.. I spoke to my psychologist and she gave me some good advice and said there is no wrong and no right and you shouldnt pressure yourself anymore. If you decide to go back, do not go back and say ”its going to work or no it may not work and its a risk” that i should take this as an experiment.. that it is all a learning curve, i will learn a lot about myself, learn a lot about him too. If i see it no longer fullfills me despite my effort then i will now be stronger to walk away from it all and that yes despite the pain i know that i can survive without him just fine.

    I know despites everyones warnings and concerns i will be going back, i cannot keep thinking what if. I love him so much and from the minute i saw him i relaxed and felt happy again … i havent been this way for 3 weeks.. this must mean something. I dont want to take anymore negativity, i want to go with a positive mind..and hope for the best.

     

    xx I will keep you updated

     

     

    #136549
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Aexandra:

    You decided to go back to the UK and give this relationship another chance. Your psychologist supports your decision and advised you to view it as an experiment.

    My input: prepare NOW so to maximize the chances for the experiment to be successful.  There is work to be done now. If you don’t prepare and just let things happen as they will, the experiment is not likely to succeed.

    If you do choose to prepare, will you re-read all the posts on this very thread, take notes of what may need to be done so to prepare? For example, as I suggested in my last post to you, make a list of “Imperfect Behaviors” on your part, a list of Wrong Behaviors on your part, and same listing for his behaviors. This will clarify in your mind what of his behaviors to tolerate once you live with him, what behaviors you are not willing to tolerate. Following that, discuss those with him and come to an agreement, so you are on the same page.

    Then ask him what of your behaviors are for him to tolerate (Imperfect Behaviors) and what of your behaviors are not to be tolerated (Wrong Behaviors) and come to an agreement about those.

    You can use this thread for the start of preparation, if you’d like.

    anita

    #136625
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Dearest Anita

    Yes this is the plan, my next session with the psychologist is preparing myself for the UK. Yes you are very right, if i go back and go into the same routine the ”experiment” will not work and all of this would have been for nothing. My session is tomorrow and i will get back to you on what she has said to me in regards for preparing myself for the UK. As at the moment i know a lot has to be done but it is where to start is the question and what i must do to be able to be in control of my emotions and most importanly not let myself be controlled to the extent where i lose myself again. As you know he too is getting help so im hoping this will make a change, obviously not overnight.

    That sounds like a great idea Anita, i have already bought a journal and have been writing a lot of my thoughts down, but please if you dont mind could you give me an example of this ”Regarding being imperfect vs doing wrong: can you give examples about your behavior that is imperfection vs wrong, and same in his behavior?” Sorry it is probably a very clear question but for some reason i am not grasping it, could you please give me an example of an iperfect behaviour and wrong behaviour.. Once i understand that then i can definately jot these down. Once this is clarified how do i come about telling him these things and coming to an arrangement?

    I will definately use this thread to help me prepare for the UK, i cannot thank you enough for all the help you have given me and continue to give me

    Alexandra

    xx

     

     

    #136633
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alexandra:

    You are welcome. And you can keep posting here while you are in the UK. I will respond.

    Example of possible imperfect behaviors on his part (possible, I write, because these are to be determined by you, according to your comfort level, and sometimes following conversation with him): Going for a drink with his friends for an hour in the evening (not driving).

    Wrong behavior on his part: going out for drinks with his friends two hours or longer/ whole night.

    Example of imperfect behavior on your part: starting arguing with him instead of calmly starting a conversation; then realizing it and correct to a calm conversation.

    Wrong behavior on your part: starting an argument, not correcting/ leaving to a supermarket parking lot to stay in your car.

    anita

    #137269
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Thank you for explaining this to me, i now know what you mean and i will write these down in my journal.

    I will ofcourse keep you updated on the situation, i leave for the UK early hours of tomorrow morning.

    I will take with me on board all the advise you have given me and the advise that the psychologist has given me, i have to be strong and remember that i am me and no one should be allowed to control or manipulate me, that i am worthy of love and i dont have to be perfect in order for someone to  love me. I will also be practicing my mindfullness and i want to try and focus on a healthy happy journey, get serious in my gym routine and healthy eating..which in turn will help me have a healthy mind.

    Alexandra xx

     

     

    #137563
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alexandra:

    I think that as I type this you are traveling, on your way to the UK. It is exciting, as there is hope there, hope for love, for a good life.

    It will be a good idea for the two of you to attend competent couple counseling in the UK for the purpose of setting ground rules and skills to learn and practice as you communicate with each other.

    Ground rules would be determining the behaviors on your part that are unacceptable to him (referred to as “wrong” in my previous post) and those that are unacceptable to you, negotiate if there is a reasonable compromise, coming to an agreement to not perform those behaviors.

    Skills are such as Assertiveness- how to state one’s needs and feelings without aggression (overt or covert), without indirect manipulation, but honestly and directly. Communicate with each other using EAR: Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect.

    Hope you have a safe trip and looking forward to your first post from the UK.

    anita

     

Viewing 12 posts - 16 through 27 (of 27 total)

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