I want to tell all of you that I really appreciate all of you helping me through the hardest time of my life thus far. All of you are taking time to respond to a complete stranger whom you’ll never meet, just that you know is struggling, and it really means alot. It helps ground me when my mind starts sinking once again.

@luke Giving myself time to heal has been the major influence behind my decision not to jump into a rebound. Not to mention the fact that my emotional state seeps through in any interaction I have with people, and it isn’t necessarily a turn on from what I can tell. There are also reservations I have in me about replacing her. I know she’s gone, and life HAS to go on, but I still have trouble coming to terms with the idea that someone else will be taking her place in my life. I can’t picture it, imagine it, and I think right now, I don’t even want it. The idea of learning about someone else and their wants, needs, pet peeves, favorite color, meeting their family… All of it is just exhausting to think about, and I don’t want any of it. The thought of my ex considering all of that for herself, and still feeling it my was worth leaving without trying to save the relationship just hurts more.

@anita That may be the route I take at some point in the future when I’m ready to really start socializing and putting myself back out there again. I have been making it a priority dress decently and go to the mall every Friday to eat lunch, grab a coffee, or catch a movie. I’m trying to learn to enjoy my own company and put myself around people. She is always “with me” though, and I always have the feeling of “if only she were here too”. I also can’t escape the uneasy and awkward tension i have inside me when alone in public trying to enjoy myself, and I don’t know why.