Still struggling hard 3 months after breakup. Why can't I let her go?

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This topic has 38 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 1 month ago by Lacienaga.

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March 7, 2017 at 3:49 pm #136681

Josh
Participant

@Poppyxo Ugh that’s such a loaded question. I can’t even begin to describe how much i want her back with every fiber in my being. I’m confused, lost and hopeless without her. If there was ANYTHING I could do, nothing would be off limits.

I’m realistic (as much as I can be in the emotional state I’m in at least). She’s ignored my last attempt at contact, she’s replaced the dog we’ve shared, and she’s got a new boyfriend. This doesn’t stop me from wanting her in the least, but it makes me realize that she’s in an entirely different place emotionally, and any attempt at reconciliation would only serve to push her away, and possibly further into this new guys arms. I’ve been telling myself that if i truly want her back, I’ve got to let her go. And mauve some time later down the road, we can reconnect. This is much easier said than done when there’s not a minute in a day where i don’t think about her, and her ghost still lingers ibn the house we shared together.

March 8, 2017 at 6:22 am #137409

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Josh:

It doesn’t help that you are living in the same place you shared with her. I hope you do get a good roommate, as you mentioned, and that it will make a good difference for you.

Reads to me that there is nothing for you to do: she has a new boyfriend. And she was consistent and adamant in her desire to end the relationship and her follow up on it.

The emotional attachment you feel, that will weaken, over time, especially as you get involved in a new relationship.

Your relationships with your ex’s family, particularly her parents, were better than her own relationships with them. In their relationship with you, they were probably trying to make up for the lack they have with her. Her strong fear of confrontation (and therefore, her resorting to texting for major life decision, as well as non-assertiveness with you), is most likely a result of growing up in a home where there were loud fights OR a tangible tension in the air day in and day out.
Therefore, the lack of fighting with her did not mean peace, it only meant avoiding confrontation. She was unhappy for a long time, most likely, before you found out. In your next relationship, focus on the woman, not on her family. Be her Best-Friend (really), not her family’s unofficial adopted son.
Hope you heal soon enough from this breakup and move on to a better, loving, lasting, enduring relationship, when you are ready.

anita

March 8, 2017 at 6:37 am #137537

Josh
Participant

@anita everything you said sounds very spot on. It hurts. Depending on the source, 3 months is “more than enough time” to heal, or barely scratching the surface of a long road, but either way, I just can’t get her face off out of my head, or her out of my mind. I’ve learned alot, and it hurts so much knowing the lessons I’ve learned won’t be able to be implemented in a relationship with her. That’s life though, and I know I need to quit sulking.

The struggle I’ve had in moving on has been even having the ability to even look at other women. I still feel as though I’m still in a relationship, and so happy that I’m not “on tnt hunt” anymore. I was so happy being faithful to her. I don’t know how I can get these feelings of not WANTING to let go, and accept the breakup. I know I need to. But I feel like I’m still holding onto it with everything I’ve got, even when we haven’t spoke, and I know she’s dating another man.

March 8, 2017 at 7:41 am #137555

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Josh:

Your brain didn’t catch up to reality yet, that’s all. The brain has a rational side and an emotional side. These are not separate sides or parts, but connected- thoughts and feelings.

You know rationally that it is over but emotionally, you don’t. When you do get to know it is over emotionally, then you will be able to “let her go” (in title of your thread) and move on, be ready for a new, better and improved relationship.

Get curious about the future, about what can be that never was. This is not the end (although it feels like it). It can feel like the beginning that it is: if you learn all you can, from the relationship, from your daily life as-is, the future is promising.

anita

March 8, 2017 at 9:22 am #137587
Josh
Participant
@anita what you say makes perfect sense. I just miss her so much. It’s hard to process the fact that all the memories we had are stuck only in the past, and not part of a story that’s continuing to be written.

It’s a weird feeling. I always feel terrible, but some times are better than others. Then, moments like right now creep up on me for no apparent reason, and I physically start feeling like the inside of my chest is being crushed. I know this is just a symptom of heartbreak, but I have such a hard time comprehending how something that hurts so much emotionally, physically, and mentally in my end can feel so liberating and necessary on her end.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Josh.
March 8, 2017 at 9:34 am #137593

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Josh:

You wrote: “I have such a hard time comprehending how something that hurts so much emotionally, physically, and mentally in my end can feel so liberating and necessary on her end.”-

reads to me that she has been unhappy in the relationship for a while before she finally exited it. That must have felt liberating to her, to exit a distressing situation. Because you were not aware of her distress while in the relationship, it is when she exited the relationship that your distress started.

Then she got involved with another man, her attachment need satisfied, at least partially and temporarily, for now. On the other hand, you did not get involved with another woman, and so, your attachment need is unsatisfied.

Sometime in the future, the situation will change- as the two of you, likely independently of each other, get attached and unattached, re-attached and so forth.

anita

March 9, 2017 at 4:19 am #138207

Josh
Participant

You’re implying this new relationship of hers is something of a rebound, I think you may be right. Obviously I don’t know any of the dynamics of their relationship, and that she’s had more time to grieve the relationship than I have, but this is a guy that’s got nothing going for him, and if it’s purpose is to quell feelings of loneliness and attachment, that’s the definition of a rebound, isn’t it?

I keep floating the idea around in my head to email her. Sometimes I think it sounds like a terrible idea. That she’s in a new relationship (even if it’s a rebound), and it will come off as invasive and desperate, and on the other hand I think, “what did I have to lose”?

It wouldn’t be anything asking for her back. Judy telling her I know a lot of what i did that made her “unhappy”, and although i know she owes me nothing, if she could help me understand more of what I was lacking in the relationship, it would help me to become a better man, while stating things she could improve on (communication, setting boundaries, ect). Of course I’d state that this isn’t any attempt to open a dialogue with her, just a way to help myself improve.

March 9, 2017 at 8:29 am #138247

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Josh:

I wasn’t implying her current relationship is a rebound. If a “rebound relationship” is a non-discriminatory relationship aimed to “quell feelings of loneliness”- that a whole lot of first relationships, or relationships after long periods of non-relationships, are “rebound.”

Regarding sending her a note so to understand what you were lacking in the relationship.. I can probably tell you what you were lacking more than she can, because I am not afraid of a confrontation with you, and she is or may very well be, still. You were lacking honest, open communication with her. But that was only 50% your responsibility. You were not more lacking in this regard than she was.

In such a note, if you were to write to her, I wouldn’t suggest how she could improve on (she didn’t ask). In other words, really, there is as much effective (of the kind that matters) communication between the two of you now as there has been for a long time when you were in the relationship.

* a reCaptcha was added to the Forums, check the street sign boxes there for your next post to be recorded

anita

March 10, 2017 at 2:25 am #138689

Poppyxo
Participant

Hi Josh,

From what you are saying, I wonder why you think that as you don’t want to look at or involve yourself in another girl/relationship is an issue? You need to be complete and whole on your own, you don’t need someone else to do this for you and for you to be able do this shows amazing strength! When we come out of a relationship for some reason there is a stigma that we must be with someone else or else we don’t equate to anything. Use this time to heal and grow.. I think witnessing some type of acceptance would help, here’s what I mean by that…

Acceptance. So the fear has to be present and you recognise what it is that frightens you. Really look at it (for example being on your own). Totally accept it in its most horrible state, feel the loneliness, call it loneliness. Say “I feel lonely” . Then the sadness that arrives “I feel sad”… Then the fear…”I will be lonely forever”. Etc. Totally accept the bad feelings. Accept that you feel lonely, don’t distract yourself from it. Cry. But once you start accepting it, the tears will dry up. Because you realise that the feeling is not a tangible thing, it just passes. But if you resist it, it will persist, and persist, and persist. Experience your emotions, don’t be afraid to fully absorb yourself in them, cry to God if you need to but most importantly, accept them. Anything you accept loses its power completely, because acceptance is making peace. Opposition is creating conflict. Opposing feelings creates conflict within you

March 13, 2017 at 4:08 pm #139333

Josh
Participant

@anita You’re right. I’m speaking from the heart when I call her new relationship a rebound. In all honesty, I have no way of knowing. I guess it’s my way of coping with the idea that after 5 years, and total confidence in the relationship from my perspective, I and what we had could be replaced so suddenly. I still catch myself thinking about future plans with her before coming back to the realization she’s not in my life anymore, and it’s hard to comprehend that while I’m stuck on this end of the spectrum, she’s on the entire other end.

And I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever send her any email. Everywhere I look tells me it’s a terrible idea, whether for healing or for reconciliation, but there are times where I starr going through all the things I want to say to her, telling her I have grown and learned, and it helps me sleep some nights.

@poppyxo I will try your exercise I acceptance; it sounds helpful. I’m in no hurry to jump into anything new, even if that is all the advice I’ve been getting from those around me. I’ve welcomed a roommate who is going through similar struggles with any ex wife. I tend to be a homebody and sit at home alot even during that weekends which is to my detriment. He’s abit more social, which i help will get me out of the house more.

March 13, 2017 at 7:57 pm #139379

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Josh:

Attachment has the feeling of safety in it, this is why “telling her I have grown and learned.. helps me sleep some nights”

You can be attached to a different woman soon enough. And you will be doing the growing and learning together with her, each one of you growing and learning individually and together.

Hope you sleep well.

anita

March 14, 2017 at 4:14 am #139413

Josh
Participant

@anita Maybe so. I’ve created multiple online dating profiles, including a $30 a month match.com subscription, but with limited success. I’m extremely introverted, very shy, and don’t get out very much. Meeting women can be hard for me and giving them a good first impression can be challenging and taxing. I don’t find it “fun” like many men, I’m not looking forward to it at all. I think all this is also compounding on the loss, and is another reason I’m taking the loss so hard. Because I don’t know when I’ll or how I’ll replace her.

That being said, since the breakup, it’s been hard to even look at other women in a romantic way. I still feel like I’m in relationship mode, and when i come to the realization that i can in fact get with these women now, a wave of anxiety washes over me and I begin getting very uncomfortable. I don’t know why I get this way, what to do about it, or how I’m supposed to move on in life.

I’m 30 years old, and now I have to meet a a woman, get to know her in hopes that sshe’ll be a good person, and get her to like me enough to hopefully have children and be married by 35. This depresses me massively, particularly considering just afew months ago, I had the woman I thought I would have all of that with, and it would happen soon.

March 14, 2017 at 5:50 am #139419

Whirlwind147
Participant

Hi Josh,

I felt the need to reply as i have gone through and still go through some similar emotions to you. I had a breakup just over a year ago that i have found difficult to move on from and actually having a couple of short rebounds afterwards actually didn’t allow me to properly heal from the situation which i have now learnt.

I also had the urges to send that email / letter / one last conversation etc but still haven’t broken contact for a number of months and now that i am in a new relationship i have to let it go. The fact is, we need to have respect for ourselves, they made a decision to leave and if they cannot see the good in you then they don’t deserve you. There are plenty of women out there that would appreciate you. I too setup dating profiles and was not the most confident in communicating but this is a chance to grow and learn for yourself and my advice would be to just be yourself as you are clearly a decent bloke with the right intentions at heart. What i would say is the need to find a woman to be married and have children by 35 is putting way too much pressure on yourself. You need to be happy in yourself and at the right time things will come to you. Relationships are not black and white and we all have different experiences and knock downs that we need to rise from. 5 years is a long time and i am sure things will happen for you if you persevere.

Heartbreaks make us stronger and help us to learn and grow, even a year on for me i still think of an ex daily, albeit just thoughts and not all the time during the day. It does get easier and i am working on acceptance myself as i am now in a better relationship with someone who matches what i desire in a partner. If she really was the one for you she would still be there and wouldn’t have walked away. You deserve and will get a better partner in the future.

March 14, 2017 at 6:19 am #139423

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Josh:

Online dating may not be the thing for you. But maybe, if you were to meet women during the day in a coffee place, a casual meeting place, maybe your anxiety will lessen? Also, if you didn’t expect to look at meeting women as dates, but instead, as interviews, gathering information for the possible position of a girlfriend, that could help?

anita

March 14, 2017 at 11:29 am #139455

Josh
Participant

I want to tell all of you that I really appreciate all of you helping me through the hardest time of my life thus far. All of you are taking time to respond to a complete stranger whom you’ll never meet, just that you know is struggling, and it really means alot. It helps ground me when my mind starts sinking once again.

@luke Giving myself time to heal has been the major influence behind my decision not to jump into a rebound. Not to mention the fact that my emotional state seeps through in any interaction I have with people, and it isn’t necessarily a turn on from what I can tell. There are also reservations I have in me about replacing her. I know she’s gone, and life HAS to go on, but I still have trouble coming to terms with the idea that someone else will be taking her place in my life. I can’t picture it, imagine it, and I think right now, I don’t even want it. The idea of learning about someone else and their wants, needs, pet peeves, favorite color, meeting their family… All of it is just exhausting to think about, and I don’t want any of it. The thought of my ex considering all of that for herself, and still feeling it my was worth leaving without trying to save the relationship just hurts more.

@anita That may be the route I take at some point in the future when I’m ready to really start socializing and putting myself back out there again. I have been making it a priority dress decently and go to the mall every Friday to eat lunch, grab a coffee, or catch a movie. I’m trying to learn to enjoy my own company and put myself around people. She is always “with me” though, and I always have the feeling of “if only she were here too”. I also can’t escape the uneasy and awkward tension i have inside me when alone in public trying to enjoy myself, and I don’t know why.
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