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Still struggling hard 3 months after breakup. Why can't I let her go?

HomeForumsRelationshipsStill struggling hard 3 months after breakup. Why can't I let her go?

This topic contains 38 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Lacienaga 6 months ago.

Viewing 9 posts - 31 through 39 (of 39 total)
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  • #139541

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Josh:

    You are very welcome. How gracious of you to express your appreciation!

    You wrote that you experience this uneasy and awkward tension when you are alone in public trying to enjoy yourself. I am thinking… if you did set interviews with candidates for the position of a girlfriend in a casual setting on a Saturday afternoon (online dating as interviewing concept), then you don’t have to try to enjoy yourself. It is the business of interviewing. Obviously, I think it is such a good idea…

    anita

    #139545

    Josh
    Participant

    @anita I’ve never considered it. Would you suggest that as a method of getting over my ex-girlfriend? I don’t feel like I’m fully healed, but it hurts to think she hasn’t had a problem moving on.

    #139559

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Josh:

    I suggest using a dating website for the process interviewing women for the position of  a girlfriend because you clearly need a girlfriend/ partner and the time to interview is now because you are still attached to your ex. This means you are not inclined to get quickly attached to another woman (doesn’t it?), which means you can be objective while interviewing and evaluating other women. This objectivity is very important.

    If you interview women now, then select those to proceed for the next level of interviewing, learning WHO the women are, proceeding with the selection and eliminating process, all while you are not attached to any one woman, you will be able to maximize your chances to “hire” a compatible-to-you woman, a woman you know and approve of, the… best woman for the job.

    anita

     

    #139651

    John
    Participant

    Hi everyone.

    My situation is so similar to the original poster’s that I almost feel that every reply is directed at me too. There are so many parallels even down to the ages of the parties involved: I am 30 years old and some months ago I was left by my 25 year old fiancee. I wanted to be married and have a family by now and now my goal is to have that by age 35 just like you Josh.

    I am going on 3 months of absolutely no contact (and I don’t use any social media) so I have no idea whether my ex is dating a pill popping dishwasher but I know how she sleeps around when she is single which drives me crazy with rage and jealousy.

    I’m a couple of months further down the road so I was going to chime in with some advice and what’s helped me so far, but what I was going to say seems to contradict what Anita is saying, so instead of adding the confusion of conflicting viewpoints I would like to better understand what Anita means and maybe I will find that we are not in such disagreement after all.

    My issue is that the advice of dating when still attached to an ex seems counter-intuitive to me because that is the opposite of the commonly suggested wisdom of taking your time to heal, detach and work on independent self driven happiness before attempting to date again.

    Now Anita, I’m aware that maybe this is not what you are suggesting at all, as you are clearly saying that it is a good time to “interview” and you never mentioned that he should actually date at all.  Perhaps it is simply my issue that I have a hard time separating “interviewing” from “dating” in my mind so this is where I could use some clarification (I hope I am not hijacking this thread too much, but my thinking is that is the OP or anyone else reading this are like me then maybe they could use some clarification too)

    Did you mean that he should interview completely separate from dating? As in dispassionately (and thus unbiasedly) collect information about potential partners now to help decide which one to date when the time comes?  Or to collect the information with the intention of going right ahead with a “hire” when one is found?

    #139657

    anita
    Participant

    * Dear John: I would love to answer your post. Will you copy (a good part of it) and then paste it into your own thread? Please do and I will reply to you there.

    anita

    #140731

    Josh
    Participant

    @anita That’s an interesting idea and perspective that i haven’t considered. That the emotional wall i have up may help weed out anything except those that have qualities that do interest me.

    I do believe what @john is saying may be what I’m experiencing. There are times when speaking to women even more attractive than my ex where they may be showing signs of interest in me, and thoughts start entering my mind where i start asking myself, “why do you even like me” and it hinders my ability to really be myself and have any sort of meaningful conversation.

    #140775

    Lacienaga
    Participant

    Hi Josh,

    I recently ended a three year relationship and went a similar way to you, before really focusing on lessons from Tiny Buddha, Eckhart Tolle and other sites. You were with your partner for a long time, and grief comes in many ways. It is not reasonable to get over your partner in three months, and it is especially hard if you did not initiate the breakup. Try to be patient with yourself.

    As hard as it is, what your partner does with another person is not your responsibility. Keeping yourself tied to her in that way will only hurt. Your partner could have talked to you about things WELL before the notes, but she did not. This does not mean she is bad, it was her level of consciousness at the time. I know it feels easier to compare yourself to others (especially the person who is a dishwasher) but people often get with others BECAUSE they are different. The only thing you can change is yourself, and that’s through growth and becoming the person you want to become.

    Write that letter to her. Write her many letters – but don’t send them. They are not meant for her. They are meant for your mind’s version of her. It is good to have imaginary conversations with her. I know this is a huge blow to your confidence but you will rebuild. If you’re still not over her (which its fine not to be), then that means it is time to take care of yourself.

    She has made her choice. She is living a new life.

    You can too – and you don’t have to immediately start dating if you aren’t ready for it.

    #140835

    Josh
    Participant

    @Lacienaga Yes, thank you. I’m trying very hard to separate my “soul” from our life together I guess you could say. I’ve done all the self-refelection, and evaluating of the relationship I feel I can benefit from, there’s alot of rumination and obsessive thinking lately. Replaying memories, and asking myself questions that can’t be answered. My spirit has recovered substantially, but the 800 lbs gorilla still sits by my bed ready to jump on my chest as soon as I open my eyes in the morning.

    After 5 years together, and having every decision from minor to major being based on “us “, living for myself, and becoming the man “i” want to be is an entirely foreign concept to me. I joined a new gym, and am considering a membership at a boxing gym.

    “She has made her choice. She is living a new life.” It’s THAT PART RIGHT THERE that is crippling, and is has been very hard to wrap my mind fully around. I know…”just don’t think about it, and move on”, but that part there… I don’t know. It’s debilitating.

    #140849

    Lacienaga
    Participant

    That’s completely understandable. I know your heart hurts right now. That’s 100% OK. You don’t have to wrap your mind around it right now. Right now you can only take care of you and I’m glad to know that you’re taking steps to getting healthier. That’s a definite plus.

    In the throes of my breakup aftermath, I wrote a lot. I sat down with my imagination and conversated to answer questions with myself. Sometimes we also have to learn to detach and reattach at different times. Acronyms became my friend. Eventually you will get through this. But know that its OK to feel this way. My biggest sympathies to you.

Viewing 9 posts - 31 through 39 (of 39 total)

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