Forum Replies Created
March 20, 2017 at 12:02 pm #140835
@Lacienaga Yes, thank you. I’m trying very hard to separate my “soul” from our life together I guess you could say. I’ve done all the self-refelection, and evaluating of the relationship I feel I can benefit from, there’s alot of rumination and obsessive thinking lately. Replaying memories, and asking myself questions that can’t be answered. My spirit has recovered substantially, but the 800 lbs gorilla still sits by my bed ready to jump on my chest as soon as I open my eyes in the morning.
After 5 years together, and having every decision from minor to major being based on “us “, living for myself, and becoming the man “i” want to be is an entirely foreign concept to me. I joined a new gym, and am considering a membership at a boxing gym.
“She has made her choice. She is living a new life.” It’s THAT PART RIGHT THERE that is crippling, and is has been very hard to wrap my mind fully around. I know…”just don’t think about it, and move on”, but that part there… I don’t know. It’s debilitating.March 20, 2017 at 5:32 am #140731
@anita That’s an interesting idea and perspective that i haven’t considered. That the emotional wall i have up may help weed out anything except those that have qualities that do interest me.
I do believe what @john is saying may be what I’m experiencing. There are times when speaking to women even more attractive than my ex where they may be showing signs of interest in me, and thoughts start entering my mind where i start asking myself, “why do you even like me” and it hinders my ability to really be myself and have any sort of meaningful conversation.March 15, 2017 at 3:50 am #139545
@anita I’ve never considered it. Would you suggest that as a method of getting over my ex-girlfriend? I don’t feel like I’m fully healed, but it hurts to think she hasn’t had a problem moving on.March 14, 2017 at 11:29 am #139455
I want to tell all of you that I really appreciate all of you helping me through the hardest time of my life thus far. All of you are taking time to respond to a complete stranger whom you’ll never meet, just that you know is struggling, and it really means alot. It helps ground me when my mind starts sinking once again.
@luke Giving myself time to heal has been the major influence behind my decision not to jump into a rebound. Not to mention the fact that my emotional state seeps through in any interaction I have with people, and it isn’t necessarily a turn on from what I can tell. There are also reservations I have in me about replacing her. I know she’s gone, and life HAS to go on, but I still have trouble coming to terms with the idea that someone else will be taking her place in my life. I can’t picture it, imagine it, and I think right now, I don’t even want it. The idea of learning about someone else and their wants, needs, pet peeves, favorite color, meeting their family… All of it is just exhausting to think about, and I don’t want any of it. The thought of my ex considering all of that for herself, and still feeling it my was worth leaving without trying to save the relationship just hurts more.
@anit<span style=”line-height: 1.5;”>a That may be the route I take at some point in the future when I’m ready to really start socializing and putting myself back out there again. I have been making it a priority dress decently and go to the mall every Friday to eat lunch, grab a coffee, or catch a movie. I’m trying to learn to enjoy my own company and put myself around people. She is always “with me” though, and I always have the feeling of “if only she were here too”. I also can’t escape the uneasy and awkward tension i have inside me when alone in public trying to enjoy myself, and I don’t know why.</span>March 14, 2017 at 4:14 am #139413
@anita Maybe so. I’ve created multiple online dating profiles, including a $30 a month match.com subscription, but with limited success. I’m extremely introverted, very shy, and don’t get out very much. Meeting women can be hard for me and giving them a good first impression can be challenging and taxing. I don’t find it “fun” like many men, I’m not looking forward to it at all. I think all this is also compounding on the loss, and is another reason I’m taking the loss so hard. Because I don’t know when I’ll or how I’ll replace her.
That being said, since the breakup, it’s been hard to even look at other women in a romantic way. I still feel like I’m in relationship mode, and when i come to the realization that i can in fact get with these women now, a wave of anxiety washes over me and I begin getting very uncomfortable. I don’t know why I get this way, what to do about it, or how I’m supposed to move on in life.
I’m 30 years old, and now I have to meet a a woman, get to know her in hopes that sshe’ll be a good person, and get her to like me enough to hopefully have children and be married by 35. This depresses me massively, particularly considering just afew months ago, I had the woman I thought I would have all of that with, and it would happen soon.March 13, 2017 at 4:08 pm #139333
@anita You’re right. I’m speaking from the heart when I call her new relationship a rebound. In all honesty, I have no way of knowing. I guess it’s my way of coping with the idea that after 5 years, and total confidence in the relationship from my perspective, I and what we had could be replaced so suddenly. I still catch myself thinking about future plans with her before coming back to the realization she’s not in my life anymore, and it’s hard to comprehend that while I’m stuck on this end of the spectrum, she’s on the entire other end.
And I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever send her any email. Everywhere I look tells me it’s a terrible idea, whether for healing or for reconciliation, but there are times where I starr going through all the things I want to say to her, telling her I have grown and learned, and it helps me sleep some nights.
@poppyxo I will try your exercise I acceptance; it sounds helpful. I’m in no hurry to jump into anything new, even if that is all the advice I’ve been getting from those around me. I’ve welcomed a roommate who is going through similar struggles with any ex wife. I tend to be a homebody and sit at home alot even during that weekends which is to my detriment. He’s abit more social, which i help will get me out of the house more.March 9, 2017 at 4:19 am #138207
You’re implying this new relationship of hers is something of a rebound, I think you may be right. Obviously I don’t know any of the dynamics of their relationship, and that she’s had more time to grieve the relationship than I have, but this is a guy that’s got nothing going for him, and if it’s purpose is to quell feelings of loneliness and attachment, that’s the definition of a rebound, isn’t it?
I keep floating the idea around in my head to email her. Sometimes I think it sounds like a terrible idea. That she’s in a new relationship (even if it’s a rebound), and it will come off as invasive and desperate, and on the other hand I think, “what did I have to lose”?
It wouldn’t be anything asking for her back. Judy telling her I know a lot of what i did that made her “unhappy”, and although i know she owes me nothing, if she could help me understand more of what I was lacking in the relationship, it would help me to become a better man, while stating things she could improve on (communication, setting boundaries, ect). Of course I’d state that this isn’t any attempt to open a dialogue with her, just a way to help myself improve.March 8, 2017 at 9:22 am #137587
@anita what you say makes perfect sense. I just miss her so much. It’s hard to process the fact that all the memories we had are stuck only in the past, and not part of a story that’s continuing to be written.
It’s a weird feeling. I always feel terrible, but some times are better than others. Then, moments like right now creep up on me for no apparent reason, and I physically start feeling like the inside of my chest is being crushed. I know this is just a symptom of heartbreak, but I have such a hard time comprehending how something that hurts so much emotionally, physically, and mentally in my end can feel so liberating and necessary on her end.
March 8, 2017 at 6:37 am #137537
- This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by Josh.
@anita everything you said sounds very spot on. It hurts. Depending on the source, 3 months is “more than enough time” to heal, or barely scratching the surface of a long road, but either way, I just can’t get her face off out of my head, or her out of my mind. I’ve learned alot, and it hurts so much knowing the lessons I’ve learned won’t be able to be implemented in a relationship with her. That’s life though, and I know I need to quit sulking.
The struggle I’ve had in moving on has been even having the ability to even look at other women. I still feel as though I’m still in a relationship, and so happy that I’m not “on tnt hunt” anymore. I was so happy being faithful to her. I don’t know how I can get these feelings of not WANTING to let go, and accept the breakup. I know I need to. But I feel like I’m still holding onto it with everything I’ve got, even when we haven’t spoke, and I know she’s dating another man.March 7, 2017 at 3:49 pm #136681
@poppyxo Ugh that’s such a loaded question. I can’t even begin to describe how much i want her back with every fiber in my being. I’m confused, lost and hopeless without her. If there was ANYTHING I could do, nothing would be off limits.
I’m realistic (as much as I can be in the emotional state I’m in at least). She’s ignored my last attempt at contact, she’s replaced the dog we’ve shared, and she’s got a new boyfriend. This doesn’t stop me from wanting her in the least, but it makes me realize that she’s in an entirely different place emotionally, and any attempt at reconciliation would only serve to push her away, and possibly further into this new guys arms. I’ve been telling myself that if i truly want her back, I’ve got to let her go. And mauve some time later down the road, we can reconnect. This is much easier said than done when there’s not a minute in a day where i don’t think about her, and her ghost still lingers ibn the house we shared together.March 7, 2017 at 1:07 pm #136673
@anita yes, after reading the books, there was were quite afew things that i could have done better in order to keep her interested in the relationship. There were red flags i missed in terms of non-verbal communication of her level of unhappiness with the relationship (less effort put forth in house work, spending more time with friends ect)
And honestly i never noticed any problems Roth communication in their family dynamic. Het mother is a little shy but definitely speaks het mind. That’s the only thing I can think ofMarch 7, 2017 at 11:56 am #136639
@anita I don’t know if it’s overwhelming feelings of loneliness or what, but I think it helps talking about it here. I have strong feelings of wanting to contact her, and I think talking my emotions through places like this helps.
The thugs I’ve read since the breakup has kind of opened my eyes to a whole new aspect of relationships. Things like how women communicate if they won’t verbally. Things essential to keeping long term relationships healthy and interesting (none of which i was doing) ect. Being the leader. The rock of that relationship. I was in the habit of letting her make the plans when I skulls have taken that lead. Growing up in the household I grew up in, I was under the impression that if only I didn’t verbally or physically abuse her, and was stable and supported her, I e’d pin the right track. I was wrong.
Its ironic now though. I never liked getting out too much, I’m abit of a homebody. But now, that’s all i can think about on weekends. “If only she were here, we could go do this or that”.
AndMarch 7, 2017 at 10:37 am #136609
@anita I’m sorry if I’m sounding abit confusing or glib, but i just hesitate to say all arguments, because it sounds so unrealistic, but i can’t think of any that got serious.March 7, 2017 at 8:59 am #136583
@poppy not at all. About a year And a half prior, she had left another note mentioning afew issues. It scared me and temporary changes were made and band aids were thrown over the issues. I really wish I had done the work I’ve done since I terms of reading relationship booksMarch 7, 2017 at 8:55 am #136581
@poppy Yes, texting was always our method of communication. She hates confrontation, and I’ve always known that, but honestly, I’ll always regret allowing our last conversations to be done knee text, and not face to face. And i really don’t believe a conversation with her is possible at this point. As I said, we shared custody of a dog for afew months after the breakup. The last contact we had was when i asked if she wanted to pick the dog up from a groomer she had promised she’d pick him up from. The text was entirely ignored.
And the awkwardness she was referring to was all felt went i was trying to get her back after she left the note. I was desperate and coming from a needy mindset, i really think ut pushed her away. Once I got the sense that she had one foot out of the door, and was on her way out, I was in full panic mode, and it was less about having a good time and flirting/attracting as much as it was me expressing how much I love her and thugs like that.