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Josh

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  • #295021

    Josh
    Participant

    It’s been awhile since I’ve posted, and I’d like to give an update and ask abit of advice. I reached out to her again against my better judgement, suggesting friendship as opposed to a romantic relationship since we both seemed to get along so well, but it received no response. I’ve gone on additional dates, have began working out 5 days a week, lost 13 lbs, changed my diet, and have begun getting out and successfully meeting new friends at a few places downtown. Including getting other women’s phone numbers, which as you well know, is/was a huge hurdle for me. These things, as of yet, have done very little. I’m still very very distraught. I want to say I’m healing, but I really am not sure as I still think about her every minute of every day- essentially stuck with her inside my mind.

    After looking into my insurance, I’ve decided therapy may be the course that I take. Anita. You’ve mentioned in the past that you wouldn’t mind looking into potential therapists to see if you believe they’d be helpful. This is the first one I came across, and I was hoping to get your opinion, if you don’t mind. https://www.cindynassar.com/index.html

     

     

    #292415

    Josh
    Participant

    Thank you very much, Kindle. It’s been a struggle that’s seemed to trigger a depression that hasn’t gotten much better since it happened, so I will definitely check out Jerry Wise.

    #292185

    Josh
    Participant

    Do you have any suggestions on how to vet therapists beforehand, Anita?

    I went on a second date with the second girl Tuesday. It went well and we had a good time, but there wasn’t much of a connection. Just the time we spent together was enough to wipe the original girl from my mind the rest of the night, and most of the next day. But that night she came back to mind, and today it’s been much much worse. I don’t think I’ll take her out again, and I am now out of dating prospects at the moment.

    #291877

    Josh
    Participant

    You’d suggest this, anita?

    #291843

    Josh
    Participant

    Wow. Thank you again for the time and insight Anita. It really is opening my eyes.

    About psychotherapy: do you know what or can entail? The thought makes me kind of nervous but I think it’s just because I know nothing about it. Do you believe it can help me? Is it expensive? Is it possible to benefit from it without having to rely on medication?

    #291829

    Josh
    Participant

    I did as you suggested. I still feel the tightness in my chest and almost nausea in my stomach. Still am not eating very much and it’s fatiguing me. Last night I did ok at pushing her aside in my head and I woke up feeling ok knowing I was able to do that, assuming I could do it again today. I haven’t been able to, and she’s been on the forefront of my mind again.

    #291687

    Josh
    Participant

    Yes and thank you. I’ve begun implementing a slightly different demeanor today. Trying to be more confident and asking for things or for something different at every opportunity. I’m going to make these changes become more of a focus, and be sure that the changes stick.

    As far as today- when I woke up, I was fine for about 5 or 6 seconds. Then I could literally feel a weight on my chest and mind entering right before she came into to my mind. Then once she was there, she’s remained there and that’s where I’m still at.

    Knowing she’s not right for me, doesn’t want me, that she’s moved right along, or that I’ll never see or talk to her again has done absolutely nothing to keep her off my mind. Theere isn’t 5 seconds that can go by whe my mind doesn’t drift back to her. She not worth it at all, and I think even she’d agree. But it’s almost like a toothache at this point.

     

    #291653

    Josh
    Participant

    I’ve began looking into assertiveness training videos and lectures. Something I practiced today was walking my dog, and holding friendly eye contact with everyone that passes until they look away first, and smiling at the women. It wasn’t as scary as I thought it’d be, and it motivated me to continue doing it.

    The second girl that i took on a date finally reached back out and I set up a second date for tonight. 3 hours before, she canceled saying her children were dropped off and she didn’t have a baby sitter. She agreed to a later date in this week though.

    Today again was hard in terms of the first girl. I woke up and she entered my mind again after about 5 seconds of being awake, and it immediately upset me tremendously, as I knew that that’s where she’d stay all day. And that’s exactly what happened-I haven’t been able to get her off my mind.

    I jogged for the first time today for about an hour and a half. It made me feel better, but I realized that my wallet had escaped my pocket, and I’d lost it. I eventually found the wallet, but with $500 of my rent gone from it. It’s beginning to feel like I’m being punished for things I’ve never done- when i try being as good a person to others as i can be every day of my life.

    #291547

    Josh
    Participant

    Wow. Thank you very much for the insight Anita. That’s very insightful and would explain alot that has gone totally unnoticed on my part.

    As a as becoming assertive, how is this something I can practice? Do you know of any methods or exercises? This is something I feel has caused me much torment and something I feel is absolutely necessary to get better at in order to live a happy and fulfilled life.

    #291479

    Josh
    Participant

    No, I can’t say I’ve ever really been embarressed of my mother. I think as I’ve aged I’ve kind of grown proud of her to be able to take on the task of working long hours at a hard job while raising children as a single mother.

    Moving away at a young age wasn’t particularly by choice. I live in Southern Louisiana, and there was a hurricane in 2005 that destroyed our house, and I ended up living in a temporary fema trailer for afew years afterwards while my mom was living with her new husband.

    My relationship now with her is good. We try to visit at least once a week when she comes over for coffee, and we see and talk to each other pretty regularly.

    #291387

    Josh
    Participant

    Thank you Anita. I know I had a pretty rough childhood in the early years, and I hate that it’s making me such a vulnerable and self conscious adult. I need a route out of this seemingly dark and endless tunnel. I’m trying to take my dog on more walks, exercising, and reduce harmful addictions. But so far it’s done nothing for my emotional state, and I still cry over this girl I barely know.

    With the previous relationship, speaking with no emotion, as I’ve healed since, I think I took her for granted and did PLAN on eventually marrying her, I believe it was always in the back of my head that I may be able to do better. She was the aggressor and pursued me, so it made me wonder what kind of girl I’d be able to get if I pursued what I wanted instead. These weren’t fully realized thoughts that I had while in a relationship with her, and looking back, I would have felt differently if they would have been brought out to the surface, but I think they were pretty deep and it may have kept me from fully committing.

    #291301

    Josh
    Participant

    I think that may be it exactly Anita. I think my soul has been yearning for the connection her and I had that night, and although I knew I wanted it, I didn’t realize how much until she produced it, then took it away so abruptly. And with a night filled with ideas for the future, being dropped into the same exact place filled with loneliness the next day crushed me. Getting a taste of what we shared that night, coming back to this place is dreadful.

    I felt I’d be over in a week. Then two weeks. And that’s where I’m at now. And of course, I cried pretty hard before walking into my house after work today over this. The weekend starts for me on Thursday evenings, and before even coming inside, I can see the weekend is going to be filled with me agonizing over this for the full 3 days. Like a dark cloud over anything I decide to try doing to get my mind off of it.

    I got what would have been considered a “jackpot”. A good date followed by hooking up. But here I sit, fully consumed by thoughts of this girl I went on a SINGLE date with, and absolutely hating every minute of my life. (I’m sorry if I’m sounding too depressing. I know people in my current state can be sickening to talk to and hear from)

    I’m trying very hard to adopt the mindset of “just move on. It was 1 date!”. But being a relatively shy guy that has difficulties with confidence, I guess I have a really hard time shifting into that “there’s plenty of fish in the sea” frame of mind when meeting women (especially in my 30s), when I have such a hard time getting out of the house, and introducing myself to ANYone, but especially attractive women. It’s like all I’m filled with are feelings of regret for missing the only opportunity I’d be granted in a long, long time.

    And regarding the question relating to me childhood: there’s so much before the age of about 16 that I just remember. I remember some big events, and small bits and pieces of things, but generally I can’t recall most of my childhood. Off of the top of my head, the only 2 real things I can remember in regards to good memories as the whole family would be one time when my parents were on the couch together and me and my sister laying on the floor all watching a movie. The second would be on a Sunday morning in their bed,  my dad playing with my sister and me playing with my mom.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by  Josh.
    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by  Josh.
    #290409

    Josh
    Participant

    Thanks again for the well considered response, Anita. It really is helping alot. Your post is eye-opening when put into a bigger picture like this. All of these things seem to have contributed to how I live my adult life, and my unreasonable rate of attachment and fear of rejection/abandonment. At this point though, even knowing these things, I’m not sure what I can do about it. I’m still terribly torn up over this girl. I find myself looking at pictures she’s sent through text messaging, and our conversations and how they conveyed so much interest that she clearly lost once we met. It shouldn’t hurt like it does, but it really does hurt. I haven’t found myself attracted to other women since it was clear that she rejected me, and after just that one night with her, I unreasonably can’t let her go. It’s causing me much pain and suffering, but it’s all I can think about throughout the day. Any time I get a notification on my phone, I still “hope” it’s her finally reaching back out. And in the back of my mind, I know better, but it doesn’t seem to help.

    This has begun to effect my attitude at work, and my home-life. I dread coming home to an empty house with noone to talk to (outside of you and people on forums). I’ve stopped cooking for myself, resorting to fast food, my smoking habit has increased, and I find myself on my phone browsing the web on things related to my situation for the 5 or so hours until I go to bed. I hate being like this, and even during the date, I hadn’t expected at all that this girl would have such an effect on me.

    #290307

    Josh
    Participant

    1. I can only honestly remember my father physically disciplining us once by wiping us with a belt. We weren’t typically bad children that required much discipline outside of a verbal warning occasionally. And my mother stood by my dad’s discipline, as to not show they were on separate “teams”. I never felt abused growing up by either parent. Although my dad, struggling heavily with alcoholism, definitely took alot of anger out on my mother physically. Both my sister and I had witnessed that afew times. Physically and verbally. Occasionally we’d hear the physical violence going on in their bedroom. I will say that at a young age (maybe about 10) after seeing my dad physically assaulting his new girlfriend, after me and my sister ran and hid, I promised my sister then that I’d never turn out like my dad, and never get as angry as him. I remember that very vividly. And I think my dedication to that promise has robbed me of alot of my manhood- pulling me in a direction to vow that masculinity and to be anything like my father was dangerous.

    2. Typically after the fights, my mom was naturally very upset. But I don’t recall anything her saying burying itself in me. I knew what was going on, and from where she was saying those things emotionally. While divorced and her raising us, she wasn’t fond of him at all for his lack of help in raising us financially. She did well at keeping it pretty quite in front of us, but occasionally she might let something slip out of frustration, but never anything too demeaning. She was very adult about the situation, now that I’m looking back.

    And in terms of my dating life and the most recent date. I did tell my date from last night that I had a great time, and that I’d like seeing her again, but I haven’t heard back from her. Ironically though, it hasn’t had much of an effect on me. My focus of today has gradually been pulled back to the original girl from last week that ghosted me. Although the woman I went out with last night seemed more mature, was more attractive, and less forward in her emotions. I felt like I had a far deeper connection with the previous date. On a chemistry level, and an emotional level. Granted- I do realize that this may have been a ruse put on by her in an attempt for her to get what she wants, emotionally detatched from our engagements. While I, typically very guarded and slow to open to anyone on an emotional level, was made vulnerable by her aggressive methods.

    Of course, I can’t blame her for this. She’s doing what’s natural to her at the moment, and she was only acting how she felt, as was I. And it’s not her fault, or her problem that I react the way that I do to any hint of an emotional connection after being single and lonely for the past 2 years.

    All that being said- would you advise against trying to reconnect with her from my end? In some friendly way of reaching out, saying something to the effect of “I thought we had a good date personally, but if for whatever reason you didn’t, or you felt any specific way about it, that’s fine. I think we got along great, and had alot in common and could at least remain friends”? Thanks, Anita

     

    #290203

    Josh
    Participant

    Thank you Anita.

    My mother really didn’t date other men when I was growing up. Sex was abit of an awkward topic to bring up (as with any son and mother I suppose), so intimacy, relationships and dating really was never discussed at all in my household as a child. There was love between us, saying we love each other, but never anything outside of that. I had no dates growing up, and no the opportunity to have that discussion never came about, even though it probably should have regardless. Romantic relationships didn’t exist at all in my household growing up. My mom didn’t date. I didn’t date. Only my sister had a relationship. I didn’t see any of that emotion. My mom, working in a male dominated industry, was playing both the roles of mother and father. Dating fell by the wayside until I moved out at about 18.

    The date went really well. We met at the same place I took the date a week ago, and once I got there, my heart kind of began racing, but I was fine after a minute or 2. The date went well. Good conversation over the hour we were there. She was sweet, and we enjoyed each other. I tried (very little) to go for the kiss at the end, but got a hug. It didn’t effect me being rejected for it though. She texted me when she got home, “Even though it was very short, I had an amazing time. Thank you” 🙂

     

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 4 weeks ago by  Josh.
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