April 19, 2019 at 6:45 am #289725
<div id=”post_message_7775553″>What’s up guys. I’m 32 and I’ve been single for about 2.5 years. In that time, I’ve been on 2 dates. One not long after the breakup to try and help facilitate moving on, and the second, a week ago. This most recent one was with a 28 year old attractive woman I met on a dating app. I’ve been on these apps for awhile, and talked to quite afew people, but this is the first one I’ve felt inclined to actually take out.
We talked for over a month, shared lots of interests and never got tired of hearing from each other. We finally decided to meet up (her suggestion by the way) for dinner this past Friday. The date went very well. Great conversation and getting to know each other over the course of 3 hours, and the chemistry was where it needed to be. SHE kept bringing up ideas of things we could do in the future. Bucket list items, shows to watch, experiences she wanted to have with me that I’d done but she hadn’t, and vice-versa. After dinner, we hung out outside talking some more, and decided to come back to my place (again. Her suggestion).
The connection and bonding grew even more once we got to my house. We hung out, played guitar together where she sang some songs, watched a show we both had discussed during the date, and made out. We decided to move things to the bedroom and, it being 3 am and me having been up almost 24 hours at that point, I couldn’t maintain an erection. Obviously this was one of the most humiliating things I’ve personally gone through. Granted- we did both get off and things seemed good between us even after that for the hour or so she hung around afterwards. She seemed to understand and sounded very eager to try again some in the future.
The following day I didn’t text as to appear to give her a little space, as she’d mentioned she had to visit an uncle out of the hospital Saturday. On Sunday I texted her good morning since she said she enjoyed getting those texts from me during the date. After not getting a response, I texted back 6 hours later asking what was up and if she was back in town. Still nothing.
Now I DO have a tendency to fall hard and quick, but I feel like I’m taking this particularly hard for having only gone on one date with this girl. And it makes me sick knowing that my inadequacy that night caused me to get ghosted. Possibly the most humiliating and damaging thing I’ve gone through in terms of self esteem.
I texted her again in the middle of this week about 4 days after the last unanswered attempt, with a friendly question (“did you see the latest episode of *favorite show*? what’d you think?). Obviously, this went unanswered as well.</div>
<div>Since my breakup 2.5 years ago, self improvement has played a pretty big part in my life. I’ve began cooking complicated meals. Caring about what I leave the house in/dressing MUCH better. Keeping a tidy environment. Experiencing new things and venturing outside of my comfort zone. But even with all of this “self-help” I’m doing, I still find that I grow unreasonably attached to women that show interest in me, at unreasonable paces.</div>
<div>A current goal I’ve set for myself is to actually HAVE a (hopefully successful) dating life after not having one for afew years of being single. Taking more than 1 woman out a month, and eventually finding someone once I find out what it is I really want. That being said, it seems quite obvious to me that the reason I’m hung up on this most recent date is because I don’t date ENOUGH. While talking to her and comparing what we’re both looking for in life while on the date, I knew this may not have been a relationship I wanted to pursue in the long term. Even with that knowledge before being ghosted however, I find myself today (a full week after the date) heartbroken, thinking about her 24-7 with my head-space filled with her, our previous conversations, and how all I want is to hear from her and receive her validation. All after just ONE date! This experience scares me to the point of possibly considering relinquishing on my goal of having an active dating life.</div>
<div>Going through this, I spend alot of time just searching articles on the internet about ghosting, dating, ect, and have found that what I’m going through isn’t uncommon at all in today’s culture. And how alot of these instances happen much further into a dating relationship even (3- 6 months, 3-8 dates later). The thought of that happening to me that far down the line, when I’m handling it this poorly after just a single date is frankly terrifying, and almost erodes any hope I have. My outlook has been skewered by this experience.Why would I want to put my hand on a stove that’s going to keep burning me? The hurt has far outweighed the reward, and I’m suddenly having feelings of it not being worth the risk at all.</div>
<div>PS, sorry for the long read. Thanks to any that read.</div>
<div id=”lkbtn_1.682023.7775553″ class=”vbseo_buttons”></div>April 19, 2019 at 8:14 am #289749
Google Second Date Update and see if you can get an explanation from her.April 19, 2019 at 11:50 am #289791
I will put some information from your March 2017 original post with information in this thread:
Two years ago you wrote about your ex girlfriend’s father, how you “looked up to him”, “picking up some of his hobbies”, how you enjoyed spending time with her family, ” love(d) her and her entire family so much”.
When she broke up with you, she told you that she felt the “spark had burned out, and that she felt more like roommate than a couple”. You wrote: “The absolute killer of our relationship though was our lack of physical affection. There were weeks we’d go without a romantic kiss, and sex slowed down dramatically to the point of stopping. She wanted it, but I had no interest”. You mentioned “it was a result of low testosterone that killed my drive”.
Two years later, your fist date with a new woman, the two of you had a long evening, proceed to the bedroom and you couldn’t maintain your erection. There was no second date.
My thoughts: it seems to me that you enjoyed your five year relationship with your ex girlfriend very much, but from one point on you enjoyed her family more, and you enjoyed her as a sibling. You crave a family life so much, the family you didn’t have growing up, wanting it badly. I think you felt comfortable in that setting, that of a family. No sex, just family, being perhaps a child, looking up to her father, as your father.
As I read your posts in your previous thread I could see you are intelligent, insightful, kind, considerate, honest and I bet the woman you had the date with noticed those things. Maybe it is the sexual thing that turned her off.
I am wondering about the testosterone problem, if you attended to it, if it is something you tried to correct or if you are planning to do so once you are in a relationship?
A woman who is a homebody like you shared that you are, a woman who is interested in what you are interested in, a calm life at home, some going out, extended family, family oriented living would definitely be the right woman for you.
I hope to read your thoughts about .. my thoughts here.
anitaApril 19, 2019 at 4:17 pm #289861
Anita, thank you so much for the insightful response, and taking the time to consider my situation.
Yes, once I found out about my low-T, i did what the doctor had suggested until my blood levels indicated that I was at normal levels. I do not believe low-T was the culprit in this scenario, however. Having been awake almost 24 hours at the point the intimacy began, I feel fatigue was mostly responsible. Also, since I’ve been single almost 3 years, the last time I’d been intimate with a woman has also been 3 years. In that time, I’ve developed a habit of viewing pornography, and masturbating nearly every day, and in some cases twice. I think both of these things may have also contributed. As a result, I’m going to cut pornography out of my life entirely.
I never considered the father-figure/ desire to have a family aspects of my psyche that you’ve pointed out, but it would make alot of sense. I tend to fall short in many categories that are typical masculine qualities. I lack confidence. I’m very agreeable. And I’m not assertive at all, which has held me back in many aspects of life, including romance. I believe those attributes that I lack have held me back from pursuing potential dates/partners, which may be why I hurt so much from this experience. I don’t take abandonment very well emotionally, and the fact that I’m relatively shy when it comes to the opposite sex has meant that that dating prospects for me tend to be few and far between, so when one comes into my life, then leaves, it extrapolates the hurt to unreasonable levels.April 20, 2019 at 9:37 am #289933
You are welcome. Reads reasonable that fatigue was the cause. It may be that she ghosted you not so much because of that one time dysfunction but because you are not the only man she’s been seeing from the dating site and she got busy with another man. It is quite common to multi task in the context of online dating.
Which leads me to think that because of your vulnerability to feeling abandoned, maybe you should multi task too. Instead of communicating online with only one woman and seeing only two in the few years you were on that site, communicate with a few women and see a few every month. It will give you an opportunity to practice that assertiveness that you need to practice! And it will help you with the shyness.
During such multi tasking, I don’t suggest that you pretend to be someone you are not, but instead, that you will give yourself the opportunity to increase the little assertiveness that you do possess, increase the little confidence that you do have, decrease the anxiety by gently exposing yourself to what you are afraid of in the context of a relationship with a woman.
So exchange online messages, meet one woman in a coffee shop for just an hour or so, being able to leave anytime you want. If it goes well, make another date in a casual restaurant perhaps, outdoors, during the day, a weekend perhaps. Again, you can leave anytime you want (and so can she).
Little by little, see a few women this way, so if one ghosts you, there is another. Meeting in public places as I suggested and each one of you going your own way after such meetings or dates, means there is no sexual activity between you and each of the women you see. Each date is about talking and getting to know each other.
As the family oriented man that you are, you do want to know a woman well before getting involved with her, seeing that there is a match, before becoming sexually active.
I hope you break that pornography habit.
anitaApril 21, 2019 at 5:26 pm #290065
Thank you Anita. I have set up a date Monday per your advice. Although- I’m not very excited about it. She’s even more attractive and obviously shows far more interest in me than this girl that disappeared on me. But I can’t seem to think about anything but this girl from last week. It’s at a stage where I know it’s unreasonable. I know I shouldn’t have my thoughts filled with her and what happened. But I simply can NOT. STOP. thinking about her and the situation.
This weekend I did things that should have been great fun, and should have taken my mind off of it at least for afew hours. I played 5 hours of golf for the first time with friends. We had a big bbq that included afew games and tournaments. The entire time, my thoughts have been absolutely dominated by this girl that I had only a single date with, how I failed in something that should have come so natural for me as a man, and how if I HADN’T failed, everything would be ok right now. And truth be told, even looking back at her, I know she wasn’t anything special. I know that even at the time we were talking- I was having reservations about whether she was someone I’d even be interested in a long term sense. But knowing these things has done nothing to quell my current pain at all.
It’s gotten to a point where I cannot stomach being at home. I can’t watch movies or television shows. It’s Sunday night right now, and I’m sitting at home writing this, and there’s a wave of gloom that washes over me- knowing that I’m about to start the work week and be locked in the home/work/home/work cycle for afew days. But even when I’m at work and naturally anticipating the end of the work day’s freedom and the ability to return home; I shudder at the thought of walking into my house. Almost like I’d prefer just staying at work rather than coming home where this newfound loneliness is waiting for me.
I’m starting to think I’ve got issues on a much deeper level than I know. I mean.. why after a single date am I having such intense and emotional feelings about this? I’ve almost gotten to the point of crying occasionally on afew days since I’ve found out I’ve been rejected. What’s been putting me on the brink of crying these few days is the thought that she’s gone. “She”, being someone that didn’t mean much to me to begin with. But suddenly every text of our past conversations hold much more significance than they actually do, and this newly developed way of thinking; that I have nothing. Could this date, and subsequent rejection have triggered something eternally in me that’s been lying dormant? These intense emotions can’t be common, can they? For the simple fact that she was able to walk away so easily, and the common sense idea that today’s people can hookup so easily and be divorced of emotion.. this has got to be something I’m experiencing alone, right?
April 21, 2019 at 5:55 pm #290069
- This reply was modified 2 months, 4 weeks ago by Josh.
I read your first sentence, that you set a date for tomorrow. I think it is a good choice. I will read the rest of your recent post (and anything you may add to it) and reply to you when I am back, Monday morning, about 12 hours from now.
anitaApril 22, 2019 at 8:12 am #290107
Regarding your date this evening, I hope you will see her in a casual setting, nothing fancy, let’s say a quiet diner. Don’t have her come to your place and don’t go to her place after the bite-to-eat, go home afterwards, alone.
Regarding: “I’m starting to think I’ve got issues on a much deeper level than I know.. why after a single date am I having such intense and emotional feelings about this…What’s been putting me on the brink of crying these few days is the thought that she’s gone. ‘She’, being someone that didn’t mean much to me to begin with”-
Having reviewed your March 2017 thread, I am thinking aloud (that is, typing): during the five year relationship with your ex girlfriend, you were in no hurry to propose to her. When she wanted to have sex with you, and you didn’t want to, you didn’t, and that happened time and time again for months. I don’t think she meant that much to you before she left you.
This one-date-woman of late, she is the one who suggested that you meet, not you. And during the date, it is she who talked about future plans with you, not you.
I think that the desperation for your ex girlfriend and for this one-date-woman happened after the separation from each, not during the date/ relationship. The reason you were not desperate to please your ex girlfriend, as in having sex with her during the months of not bothering with it, is not that you were secure with her. It was because you didn’t want to be close to her.
“Growing up in the household I grew up in, I was under the impression that if only I didn’t verbally or physically abuse her, and was stable and supported her, I’d pin the right track”- “stable and support her”- yes, but getting emotionally close to her-no.
I think you avoid emotional intimacy with women, you don’t want that.
“when I come to the realization that I can in fact get with these women now, a wave of anxiety washes over me and I begin getting very uncomfortable. I don’t know why I get this way”-
-I think you had a bad experience as a child with your mother.
“the 800 lbs gorilla still sits by my bed ready to jump on my chest as soon as I open my eyes in the morning”- no woman is more important in a man’s life than his mother. When she leaves a heavy weight on a boy’s chest, that weight doesn’t go away just because the boy has grown into a man.
Do you want to tell me about your mother in your young life?
April 22, 2019 at 1:10 pm #290167
- This reply was modified 2 months, 4 weeks ago by anita.
Thank you again for helping me in this situation Anita. Seeing that you responded to something on here is about the only bit of solace I’m finding emotionally during this period of time.
My parents divorced when I was about 8. Before then, she was really great. She was the compassionate one of the 2, but never was too soft or too hard on us. After the divorce, my mom stayed single until I was about 20, focusing on raising me and my 1 year older sister. She worked 50-60 hours a week as a machinist when we got to around 15 and remarried when I turned 20. She divorced afew years later, and is single now in her mid 50s.
In terms of her treatment of me growing up, I suppose one might say she was “too soft”, but I don’t think anything stands out outside of the typical mother behaviors. I look back and can say she did what she thought was best any time she did something, and really tried as a single mother.
One thing that happened that I think plays a big role in my social makeup, definitely for worse, is that when I was in the 7’th grade, about 12-13 years old, she took us out of public school and began homeschooling us. With her working as much as she was, it resulted typically in us just sleeping late, watching alot of tv, and not doing much school work. And also not socializing like our peers that stayed in school were doing. I believe I missed out on alot of growing, and skillsets that I should have developed in my teenage years as a result. If I met someone new today, I can hold a conversation with them like anyone else could, so it’s not like there are many surface level problems that are very noticable about me you could pick up on as a result of lacking those social skills when I was younger. I feel I picked them up eventually along the way. But I DO believe it plays a very big part in the problems I face with dating, attraction, and women in general. I feel like alot of teenage boys in high school are probably more comfortable speaking with and making friends with women their age than I am doing the same with women my age. Although I don’t know if that’s normal or if it’s just par for the course.April 22, 2019 at 1:44 pm #290171
You are welcome. Do you know why, working 50-60 hours or per week, your mother decided to home school you, what were her reasons?
Also, how was she “too soft”? And… has your father been in your life growing up/ now, and how was he not the compassionate one of the two?
I will be away from the computer for a while. I hope you have a pleasant 1-2 hours date, that you feel okay when you get home from the date and please take your time answering my questions above, if you choose to answer them.
anitaApril 22, 2019 at 2:33 pm #290175
The decision to homeschool was out of a portrayed disdain we were fabricating for the school in general. She really thought she was helping us by getting away from our situations AT school, but it wasn’t as bad as we were making it out to be (or at least in my case). I just hated going to school like every other kid that was my age at the time I suppose. My father definitely didn’t disappear from our lives. I actually work at the same place as him, and we talk quite abit. During childhood, he played the disciplinary role, but I never found his level of discipline unreasonable. I felt they were good parents given the cards they were dealt.
One thing that happened in my childhood that hasn’t been brought up yet, but may have played a significant role in my development was that at around the age of 4 or 5, I had an older cousin by about 6 years molest me. I don’t believe there was any penetration, or that he touched MY body, and to be honest. I don’t remember most of it at all. I’m not entirely sure if it’s had an effect on my sexual development or anything, but I do remember having thoughts in class with my peers at a young age, that I’d been introduced to something they knew nothing about (sexual activity), and it almost made me feel more “grown” than them. I of course didn’t share this with anyone my age, what had happened eventually came out to the family, but it had been kept pretty quite.April 22, 2019 at 5:58 pm #290183
I read your post but will need to re-read it when I am back to the computer. Any information that you can add about your childhood experience with your mother (your primary care taker) may help reveal what needs to be revealed. I understand that you care very much about your mother and that you appreciate her a whole lot. This is not about coming up with a judgment against your mother, not at all My purpose is to understand better what is happening with you in the context of dating/ relationships with women.
I will be back in about 12 hours. I hope you post before I am back with information about your date and otherwise.
anitaApril 22, 2019 at 7:50 pm #290203
Thank you Anita.
My mother really didn’t date other men when I was growing up. Sex was abit of an awkward topic to bring up (as with any son and mother I suppose), so intimacy, relationships and dating really was never discussed at all in my household as a child. There was love between us, saying we love each other, but never anything outside of that. I had no dates growing up, and no the opportunity to have that discussion never came about, even though it probably should have regardless. Romantic relationships didn’t exist at all in my household growing up. My mom didn’t date. I didn’t date. Only my sister had a relationship. I didn’t see any of that emotion. My mom, working in a male dominated industry, was playing both the roles of mother and father. Dating fell by the wayside until I moved out at about 18.
The date went really well. We met at the same place I took the date a week ago, and once I got there, my heart kind of began racing, but I was fine after a minute or 2. The date went well. Good conversation over the hour we were there. She was sweet, and we enjoyed each other. I tried (very little) to go for the kiss at the end, but got a hug. It didn’t effect me being rejected for it though. She texted me when she got home, “Even though it was very short, I had an amazing time. Thank you” 🙂
April 23, 2019 at 6:29 am #290231
- This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by Josh.
I am glad you had a really well date, an amazing time and she did too. I hope you continue to see her and that the next date will be for a couple of hours or so, longer than last but still limited. I think this is your best chance of success, limiting the time and over time increasing it. This way you get to get to know her gradually, over time, and she gets to know you gradually as well.
You shared that your parents divorced when you were about 8 and you lived with your mother and sister for the next 10 years, until you moved out at about 18. Your mother worked in a male dominant industry, was a machinist, working 50-60 hours a week at a certain point. Your father wasn’t a big part of your life, I gather, because you referred to your mother as a “single mother” and you wrote that your mother “was playing both the roles of mother and father”.
If I understand correctly, while your parents were married, your father was the disciplinarian and your mother was “the compassionate one of the 2”. You wrote that at one point she was “too soft” with you.
When you were about 4 or 5, an older cousin, about 10 or 11, molested you, something you have very little memory of and you are not “entirely sure if it’s had an effect on my sexual development or anything. Your family, parents, I assume, found out about it eventually, “but it had been kept pretty quiet”.
When you were about 12-13, 7th grade, after you and your sister complained about school, hating it, a sentiment you exaggerated to her, your mother took you out of public school and began homeschooling you. But because she worked so many hours, the arrangement resulted in you “just sleeping late, watching a lot of tv, and not doing much school work. And also not socializing like our peers”. You feel some lack of confidence in your social skills since and now that you believe stem from being taken out of public school, and that it “plays a very big part in the problems I face with dating, attraction, and women in general”, feeling less “comfortable speaking with and making friends with women”.
If you want to continue this exploration with me, if you do, I have a couple of questions:
1. How did your father discipline you and your sister when he lived with you and how did your mother respond to him disciplining you, what did she say or do when he disciplined you?
2. Did your mother ever complained to you about your father while still married to him or later, about him not helping the family financially, that she had to work a physically demanding job for so many hours to support her two children, because he didn’t help enough, that she had to be both mother and father to you and to your sister?
April 23, 2019 at 6:00 pm #290307
- This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by anita.
1. I can only honestly remember my father physically disciplining us once by wiping us with a belt. We weren’t typically bad children that required much discipline outside of a verbal warning occasionally. And my mother stood by my dad’s discipline, as to not show they were on separate “teams”. I never felt abused growing up by either parent. Although my dad, struggling heavily with alcoholism, definitely took alot of anger out on my mother physically. Both my sister and I had witnessed that afew times. Physically and verbally. Occasionally we’d hear the physical violence going on in their bedroom. I will say that at a young age (maybe about 10) after seeing my dad physically assaulting his new girlfriend, after me and my sister ran and hid, I promised my sister then that I’d never turn out like my dad, and never get as angry as him. I remember that very vividly. And I think my dedication to that promise has robbed me of alot of my manhood- pulling me in a direction to vow that masculinity and to be anything like my father was dangerous.
2. Typically after the fights, my mom was naturally very upset. But I don’t recall anything her saying burying itself in me. I knew what was going on, and from where she was saying those things emotionally. While divorced and her raising us, she wasn’t fond of him at all for his lack of help in raising us financially. She did well at keeping it pretty quite in front of us, but occasionally she might let something slip out of frustration, but never anything too demeaning. She was very adult about the situation, now that I’m looking back.
And in terms of my dating life and the most recent date. I did tell my date from last night that I had a great time, and that I’d like seeing her again, but I haven’t heard back from her. Ironically though, it hasn’t had much of an effect on me. My focus of today has gradually been pulled back to the original girl from last week that ghosted me. Although the woman I went out with last night seemed more mature, was more attractive, and less forward in her emotions. I felt like I had a far deeper connection with the previous date. On a chemistry level, and an emotional level. Granted- I do realize that this may have been a ruse put on by her in an attempt for her to get what she wants, emotionally detatched from our engagements. While I, typically very guarded and slow to open to anyone on an emotional level, was made vulnerable by her aggressive methods.
Of course, I can’t blame her for this. She’s doing what’s natural to her at the moment, and she was only acting how she felt, as was I. And it’s not her fault, or her problem that I react the way that I do to any hint of an emotional connection after being single and lonely for the past 2 years.
All that being said- would you advise against trying to reconnect with her from my end? In some friendly way of reaching out, saying something to the effect of “I thought we had a good date personally, but if for whatever reason you didn’t, or you felt any specific way about it, that’s fine. I think we got along great, and had alot in common and could at least remain friends”? Thanks, Anita