Forum Replies Created
June 8, 2017 at 8:23 pm #152490
Thank you anita, I appreciate it.
I will try what you and Inky have said. 🙂
– LacienagaJune 8, 2017 at 7:24 pm #152480
Your insights are always amazing. I had understood stockholm’s before but never fully accepted it (or similar ways). Do you know of any techniques to lessen this hold? It seems that Inky has a lot of good things to aid in it, as well.
I often stay focused on ‘change’ via the other person but realize it opens me up to more harm.June 7, 2017 at 5:28 pm #152310
The most common scenario goes like this;
I feel apprehensive about Person A. Person A then seems less frightening or harmful, for some reason, even if I know what they’ve done. Person A then disrespects me via targetted bullying against my ethnicity. I then have to constantly see them, then doubt myself and don’t put up boundaries to stop talking to them. This especially compounds if there is a Person B (friend) in the picture who doesn’t mind Person A. Person A and I get into a ‘relationship’ of sorts where it devolves and they keep pushing boundaries, and I end up harmed.
This has been the story of my life for the last two decades, almost.June 7, 2017 at 5:03 pm #152308
The aggression are against my ethnicity (I’m non-white) so people ask questions such as “is your hair real?” from down the hall or in closed settings where they would not ask others the same. Or they have used racial slurs in the past.
As for traumas – I will not go into detail except to note mass-bullying (the entire school + some teachers) and assault during my childhood development.
– LacienagaJune 7, 2017 at 5:01 pm #152306
Thank you, Inky. Those are very helpful! 🙂June 5, 2017 at 1:27 pm #152024
I would say that it was a defense mechanism that I learned in school. I was sensory-overloaded a lot, and a lot of fast, traumatic things happened within a short span of time when it developed.
– LacienagaJune 4, 2017 at 9:09 am #151842
Thank you, anita. I didn’t consider that shame being a potential behavioral motivator. While I no longer work at the job, it is something that I will take note of in the future.
– LacienagaMarch 20, 2017 at 3:25 pm #140849
That’s completely understandable. I know your heart hurts right now. That’s 100% OK. You don’t have to wrap your mind around it right now. Right now you can only take care of you and I’m glad to know that you’re taking steps to getting healthier. That’s a definite plus.
In the throes of my breakup aftermath, I wrote a lot. I sat down with my imagination and conversated to answer questions with myself. Sometimes we also have to learn to detach and reattach at different times. Acronyms became my friend. Eventually you will get through this. But know that its OK to feel this way. My biggest sympathies to you.March 20, 2017 at 9:37 am #140775
I recently ended a three year relationship and went a similar way to you, before really focusing on lessons from Tiny Buddha, Eckhart Tolle and other sites. You were with your partner for a long time, and grief comes in many ways. It is not reasonable to get over your partner in three months, and it is especially hard if you did not initiate the breakup. Try to be patient with yourself.
As hard as it is, what your partner does with another person is not your responsibility. Keeping yourself tied to her in that way will only hurt. Your partner could have talked to you about things WELL before the notes, but she did not. This does not mean she is bad, it was her level of consciousness at the time. I know it feels easier to compare yourself to others (especially the person who is a dishwasher) but people often get with others BECAUSE they are different. The only thing you can change is yourself, and that’s through growth and becoming the person you want to become.
Write that letter to her. Write her many letters – but don’t send them. They are not meant for her. They are meant for your mind’s version of her. It is good to have imaginary conversations with her. I know this is a huge blow to your confidence but you will rebuild. If you’re still not over her (which its fine not to be), then that means it is time to take care of yourself.
She has made her choice. She is living a new life.
You can too – and you don’t have to immediately start dating if you aren’t ready for it.March 19, 2017 at 4:38 pm #140627
Dream Moods helps me with dreams, in case you feel that something is still missing from these posts.March 19, 2017 at 4:37 pm #140625
I went through a similar incident where I felt that I lost control of my life for an entire year. It is a scary feeling, and I empathize with you. I have a question – when you have these “what if” questions, are they in your head? Do you say them out loud? Or do you write it down and genuinely ask yourself? Sometimes we have to befriend our anxiety and, step by step, talk and write about our fears. What would you do?
It is likely that you want to gain control so something so traumatic does not happen again. That is completely valid and understandable, but you do have to live.
Tara Brach, Eckhart Tolle and Conscious Leadership have helped me to greatly deal with my fears. Best of luck and much healing to you.March 19, 2017 at 4:27 pm #140623
Boundaries are integral to who we are as beings. In addition – for the situation you posted, girls and women often have to watch out for themselves because of how vulnerable they are. You’re moving past her boundaries by telling her all of those things. It is unhealthy. You can be supportive without giving yourself up.
You have the right to be important. By using extreme examples such as Trump or criminals, you are drastically ignoring their lack of empathy. Pair empathy with boundaries and allowing yourself to live will allow you freedom. Boundaries are freedom and all people to feel safe. You and those around you deserve to feel safe.
By ignoring your needs and losing out on money, you are not allowing yourself to be safe.
If you wish to give up pleasure (however you see it) then that is your right. However, there is a huge difference between wants and needs, and you need to focus on your needs.March 19, 2017 at 3:33 pm #140619
I saw that you had a conflicting post with this – stating that you don’t understand why people think your codependency is bad. Boundaries are a necessity for all of us. You state that you feel guilty and selfish but, in reality, codependency is about how he /I/ interacts with ours. It is about how we (the codependents) are in the other’s lives. It is not necessarily about the other people, even if we THINK it is.
It is good that you acknowledge these thoughts are unhealthy and ruining your livelihood. May I ask how old you are, just to gauge how long you’ve been dealing with this? It might be good to journal and look up on ways to be healthier.
As the blog just posted http://tinybuddha.com/blog/need-please-ruining-life/ it might be a great place to start.
Best of luck,
LacienagaMarch 19, 2017 at 2:54 pm #140603
It appears to me that religion is not the main issue – its an issue with personal boundaries. Your life and safety (emotionally, physically, mentally) are your responsibility and your right. If your therapist is forcing religion on you, then it is time to find a new therapist. It does not make you a terrible person. It means that the therapist is not what you need.
You cannot stop people from trying to do these things, but you can put boundaries up to keep them away. Your family is doing a lot of unhealthy behaviors that you can step away from. I suggest looking online for research on codependency and boundaries. Internal and external.
I hope you can heal and find the right professional help.
Best of luck,
LacienagaMarch 19, 2017 at 2:40 pm #140599
While there are definitely times to take breaks in relationships, how do you feel about this? Do you honestly feel alright with not having the type of relationship you need, where you are fully with each other? To hold space for someone who wants to do everything but be absolutely committed to you? If it hurts your heart and she will not move forward in the way that you wish, your feelings are incongruent and incompatible. I suggest you let her know how you feel and that you can perhaps have a greater relationship with each other once you ‘shed’ the feelings of you being engaged/married and building your lives as you once thought you were. Grieve that relationship. Go No Contact and let her know that once that ends, you can perhaps try to be friends. But as long as you want something she does not, you can not be friends in the healthiest way possible. Everyone involved deserves to be healthy.