Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Forgetfulness and Boundaries
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Anonymous.
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June 4, 2017 at 5:45 pm #151922
LacienagaParticipantHi everyone,
For pretty much all of my life, I have struggled with my boundaries. Children would hurt me at school and I would still try to understand why, and become friends with them. Now that has translated into my adulthood. Situations that I would otherwise find outright harmful are neutralized by people’s different manipulation tactics, or just me wanting to ‘go back’ to a certain point. This has resulted in my harassment, constant micro- and macro-aggressions against my various identities and I keep returning to these people in some form or another. It is like I shut my brain off or only focus on my own actions and ‘forget’ that another adult just insulted me because I don’t want them to be ‘mad’. I also often give into peer pressure but when it comes to other people’s situations, I am more resourceful and knowledgeable.
I am not sure how to over-ride this and actually protect myself as I need to.
Thank you,
Lacienaga
June 5, 2017 at 8:39 am #151988
AnonymousGuestDear Lacienaga:
You wrote: “Situations that I would otherwise find outright harmful are neutralized by… returning to these people… and ‘forget’ that another adult just insulted me because I don’t want them to be ‘mad’”.
It reads to me that this has been your strategy since childhood: to neutralize attacks against you by pacifying the attacker. Not to Fight, not to move away (Flight), but Pacify, neutralize, prevent further escalation of the attacker’s anger, and in so, prevent future attacks or worse attacks.
Is the origin of this strategy in your interactions with peers at school, or did you practice this at home, in your relationship with either parent?
I ask this to examine this strategy further and to examine, in future posts here, other possible strategies.
anita
June 5, 2017 at 1:27 pm #152024LacienagaParticipantHi anita,
I would say that it was a defense mechanism that I learned in school. I was sensory-overloaded a lot, and a lot of fast, traumatic things happened within a short span of time when it developed.
– Lacienaga
June 6, 2017 at 4:47 am #152076
InkyParticipantHi Lacienaga,
I am the same way! This is what I do. Warning: the people in your life won’t like it, but when they are no longer in your orbit, new better people will be drawn into your sphere.
If someone attacks or insults you, ask a question or make a blanket statement.
“Is that so?”
“So what.”
“Why would you say something like that?”
“Wow, you must be so embarrassed right now.”
*when they invariably sputter and try to explain* “I’ll take that as an apology and won’t bring this up again.”
*in a group* “We’re sorry you feel that way.”
“Are you OK?” (my favorite and have had best success with)
Soon they (and everyone else) will learn not to mess with you.
Good Luck!
Inky
June 6, 2017 at 5:07 am #152080AnonymousGuestDear Lacienaga:
In your original post you wrote: “This has resulted in my harassment, constant micro- and macro-aggressions against my various identities”
In your last post you wrote: “I was sensory-overloaded a lot, and a lot of fast, traumatic things happened within a short span of time when it developed.”
Again, if you want to look deeper into things, and only if you do, please elaborate on these sentences I quoted. I wonder what “various identities” you are referring to, what micro aggressions are you referring to, what macro aggressions… how were you sensory overloaded and what traumatic things happened in a short time.
anita
June 7, 2017 at 5:01 pm #152306LacienagaParticipantThank you, Inky. Those are very helpful! 🙂
June 7, 2017 at 5:03 pm #152308LacienagaParticipantHi anita,
The aggression are against my ethnicity (I’m non-white) so people ask questions such as “is your hair real?” from down the hall or in closed settings where they would not ask others the same. Or they have used racial slurs in the past.
As for traumas – I will not go into detail except to note mass-bullying (the entire school + some teachers) and assault during my childhood development.
– Lacienaga
June 7, 2017 at 5:28 pm #152310LacienagaParticipantThe most common scenario goes like this;
I feel apprehensive about Person A. Person A then seems less frightening or harmful, for some reason, even if I know what they’ve done. Person A then disrespects me via targetted bullying against my ethnicity. I then have to constantly see them, then doubt myself and don’t put up boundaries to stop talking to them. This especially compounds if there is a Person B (friend) in the picture who doesn’t mind Person A. Person A and I get into a ‘relationship’ of sorts where it devolves and they keep pushing boundaries, and I end up harmed.
This has been the story of my life for the last two decades, almost.
June 8, 2017 at 6:35 am #152342AnonymousGuestDear Lacienaga:
I will try to understand your scenario as-I-type. You fear Person A because Person A was aggressive toward you and harmed you in the past. What follows as your association with Person A continues, is that you doubt your previous evaluation of Person A, and your view of him/her as aggressive/ harmful is mitigated, toned down, lessens. And so, you no longer protect yourself from him/her. You don’t protect yourself by not setting or keeping boundaries with Person A.
If Person B is okay with Person A, that adds to you doubting yourself and further mitigates your view of Person A as aggressive/harmful.
If I understood correctly, in the context of the mass bullying you experienced, the dynamic you described makes sense to me, absolutely. I experienced it myself, most of my life. When we associate with an aggressive person day in and day out, and do not see a way not to, then naturally we will view that person as less aggressive, even as a good person. We do so for the purpose of lessening our anxiety.
People held hostage by violent aggressors long enough view them as empathetic, good people (Stockholm syndrome). It is a psychological mechanism aimed at alleviating anxiety.
Your thoughts/ feelings?
anita
June 8, 2017 at 7:24 pm #152480LacienagaParticipantHi anita,
Your insights are always amazing. I had understood stockholm’s before but never fully accepted it (or similar ways). Do you know of any techniques to lessen this hold? It seems that Inky has a lot of good things to aid in it, as well.
I often stay focused on ‘change’ via the other person but realize it opens me up to more harm.
June 8, 2017 at 8:03 pm #152482AnonymousGuestDear Lacienaga:
The best way to deal with aggressive people is to not have them in your life. No contact whatsoever. If contact with an aggressive person is absolutely necessary, as in a work place, then have the absolute minimum contact with that person.
About doubting your previous evaluation of a person and making yourself available to get hurt again and again by the same person- maybe it will help if you type and print a note to yourself regarding Person A- how harmful he/she was to you and how you intend to behave around him/her. Then read it to yourself every day before seeing Person A, and stick to your intended behavior. Every time you doubt yourself, re-read the note.
anita
June 8, 2017 at 8:23 pm #152490LacienagaParticipantThank you anita, I appreciate it.
I will try what you and Inky have said. 🙂
– Lacienaga
June 8, 2017 at 8:25 pm #152492AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, Lacienaga. Hope you post again.
anita
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