Dear James:

I attentively read the second part of your thread.

Before answering, I must attend to the concern you expressed at the end of your share: retaliation. You are afraid of retaliation, a possible consequence of you asserting yourself.

You already suffered bullying in both places, your original (Western) country and in the country where you attended medical school: rude remarks, people leaving the table when you arrive to it.. What other, future consequences (as a practicing doctor, otherwise) are you afraid of?

At this point I will answer your questions assuming the feared consequences, once examined, are not your life, your physical safety or your livelihood.

1. If you’re about to leave a place/institution where you were just playing it nice but have no intention of keeping in touch with people, what would you say to them on your last few days when they ask you to give them your contact details so they can keep in touch?-

that is a retroactive question, isn’t it, since you already left the country where you attended medical school? Retroactively, I would say to any and all those who acted disrespectfully to you at any time and who did not apologize and corrected their behavior: “I am not interested in keeping in touch with you because you disrespected me” OR, if that answer would have brought more rudeness on their part, I would say: “let me have your contact information and I will think about it (it, being keeping in touch with them)”- that may have motivated them to further act nice so to influence you to keep in touch with them.

2. What about if they get in touch with you after you left, act nice, then reveal that they want your help to help get them to your stage, but all you really want to do is cut them off for good?-

Here, you have to say: “Not interested.” If they ask for a reason, “because you acted disrespectfully toward me when I was in your country (and you can give examples).

3. I respected their culture while I was in their country, but that’s not the culture I belong to nor would I adapt it. Yet, when they migrate to my country, they find it a shock when I’m different to what they’ve seen, and feel the need to question me on every difference. What do you say to them when they ask you “why are you doing this” or “what on earth are you doing” or “what’s wrong with you” etc.-

To Why are you doing this?” say: because you acted disrespectfully toward me when I was in your country (give examples). To “what on earth are you doing?” – I am not interested in interacting with people who disrespected me as you have (give examples). To “what’s wrong with you?”- you can say: this question is really a statement, you are telling me that there is something wrong with me and that is disrespecting me.

4. How do you deal with people who hold you back (e.g,. Question why you are the way you are as opposed to being like them; or e.g. those who criticise you for being different). They want to bring you down to their boring, suppressed selves.-

You have nothing to do with them, no interactions. If they work with you (through no invitation or consent on your part)- keep contact minimal and professional.

5. How do you deal with those who are nice to they can use you.-

you see to it that they are do not succeed in their endeavor to dishonestly use you.

6. Trusting or associating with someone who is close to people you don’t like or are your enemies. Frenemies.-

unfortunately, I would let them go as well, have no contact, but let them know, if they were never disrespectful to you directly, that you appreciate it.

7. I’m afraid of being seen with someone who might not be socially acceptable e.g an older woman-

I didn’t understand your question. Can you elaborate- the older woman part?

8. Bullies/haters who hate seeing me making friends with others. They want to see me alone. They tell others to isolate me and badmouth me. They think I should fit their expectation of not having any friends. That I should be considered awkward by all.-

You can’t control what people say to others outside your presence. Again, my answer: have no contact, no interactions whatsoever with past and present bullies.

9. Dumb questions like “what are you doing”? “Why are you doing this”? I don’t mind giving a legit answer to genuine people, but it’s those hyperinquisitive, nosey annoying types who want you to feel odd – the ones who ask you in a “wtf is wrong with you” tone.-

again, no contact, no interactions-> no questions to answer.

anita