I have issues with knowing how to deal with people tactfully. I’ve been bullied heavily in the past, and had very few friends in university, mainly because I studied overseas. I’ve been through a culture shock and a reverse culture shock, and numerous psychological issues when it comes to handling different people. These are the particular situations that are currently bothering me, so I would greatly appreciate your wisdom:

1. If you’re about to leave a place/institution where you were just playing it nice but have no intention of keeping in touch with people, what would you say to them on your last few days when they ask you to give them your contact details so they can keep in touch?

2. What about if they get in touch with you after you left, act nice, then reveal that they want your help to help get them to your stage, but all you really want to do is cut them off for good?

3. I respected their culture while I was in their country, but that’s not the culture I belong to nor would I adapt it. Yet, when they migrate to my country, they find it a shock when I’m different to what they’ve seen, and feel the need to question me on every difference. What do you say to them when they ask you “why are you doing this” or “what on earth are you doing” or “what’s wrong with you” etc.

4. How do you deal with people who hold you back (e.g,. Question why you are the way you are as opposed to being like them; or e.g. those who criticise you for being different). They want to bring you down to their boring, suppressed selves.

5. How do you deal with those who are nice to they can use you.

6. Trusting or associating with someone who is close to people you don’t like or are your enemies. Frenemies.

7. I’m afraid of being seen with someone who might not be socially acceptable e.g an older woman.

8. Bullies/haters who hate seeing me making friends with others. They want to see me alone. They tell others to isolate me and badmouth me. They think I should fit their expectation of not having any friends. That I should be considered awkward by all.

9. Dumb questions like “what are you doing”? “Why are you doing this”? I don’t mind giving a legit answer to genuine people, but it’s those hyperinquisitive, nosey annoying types who want you to feel odd – the ones who ask you in a “wtf is wrong with you” tone.

That’s essentially what I would like insight on.

******

Here’s more on the context of my life if anyone really wants to know:

More on context:

I grew up in a western country to a non-western family. I was bullied throughout school by kids who were up to 6 years older than me, both physically and verbally. Other kids would hesitate to make friends with me as a result of me being a target, and neither the school nor the cops would do anything. However, I was physically strong and fierce that people in my own grade and 1-2 grades senior wouldn’t physically fight me, but would verbally abuse me and ostracize me. I was also very motivated and smart. I got a spot to study medicine overseas in a country I had no cultural bearing to. Since I didn’t have many friends in my home country, it wasn’t a big deal for me to study overseas. Having said that, I left everything I had to pursue my studies, hoping I’ll have a bright future (little did I know I’ll miss out on so much on life!). I deliberately wanted to step outside my comfort zone.

Here’s the problem..I was bullied throughout med school as well. The few foreign students who were there quit within the first year, but I was determined to continue. I was forced to sit next to people I didn’t like, because we were alphabetically arranged. My group would ostracize me, which was a real pain when I needed help for translation so that I could clerk cases. All their friends in my grade would hate me too, even without getting to know me. I was a loner by week 3 of first year. People stopped talking to me over stupid things e.g. they have a culture of gossiping as much information about other people as possible, but this didn’t sit well with me – if they gossiped a lot about others, I’d say to them “so why are you telling me this? They have a life of their own and it’s not my concern”. People would backstab me for the stupidest things, and proudly boast about it. If I sat down at a table to join them for lunch, they’d all get up and go to another table. They made their point very clear. There were days where I would say less than 10 words the whole day.  If I spoke in proper English, people would get jealous and criticise me for “showing off”. If I rode a bicycle instead of a brand new car my parents were expected to give me like for every other student there, then I was a cheap skate. If I say hi to a girl, then it meant I was a creep.

When it came to the last few weeks of final year, all of a sudden, people were acting all nice. Asking me what my plans were after uni, and what one has to do to migrate to to my home country.

Once I was back home, I deactivated Facebook for a while, till I cleared all my medical exams. I passed, but the others from my med school didn’t. I felt relieved. I deleted my med school contacts from facebook. All except 3 – the only 3 who I trusted and have helped me when I was in trouble, like driving to me to a medical clinic if I was in pain, or joining me for movies once in a while. As for the rest, I deleted them. The deleted users then started messaging me asking me why I deleted them, and tried to remind me of the nice things they did, like allowing me to join in for soccer, or translating for me once in a while, or giving me the occasional lift to uni when they saw me walking and I didn’t have a bicycle etc…but they’d never mention all the horrible things they did, like getting up and leaving if I came near them, or badmouthing me (or stopping others from doing that), or vandalizing my property etc. They’d ask me stupid questions in a bid to make me feel odd and out of place, and try and tell me what to do even when I’m not bothering them, e.g When they see me going for a jog, they’d ask “hey u..wtf are you doing? You crazy? If you want to go for a jog, go to a gym, don’t go through the streets or at the park looking like a fool to everyone”.

Some of these people have migrated to my country and town, and I now bump into me every now and then. Girls from that horrible med school message me on Facebook to express romantic interest (esp after they ignored me throughout med school and watch me sit alone with no one to talk to). Esp those girls who were Ok with me, but wouldn’t really be-friend me because their friends hated me.

Anyways, as you can see, I have issues asserting myself. Not because I don’t believe in the merit or maturity of my decisions or lifestyle, but because I have suffered the consequences of asserting my decisions. I realized that ostracism is a very real threat and can happen to those who are vulnerable and don’t have a strong social support network, and it is the worst form of punishment. There are other situations which I haven’t really been in, but can use to highlight what I mean when I say decisions and lifestyle choices can aggravate other people (even when you don’t intend to), and they can retaliate by punishing you via harsh criticism or ostracism. For instance, a woman going in a bikini in a conservative islamic country; or someone breaking it to family/society that one has converted religions; or married intercaste; or coming out about sexuality etc. In such situations, people who can’t accept your decisions may even turn violent.

I have faith in my decisions, but not in how other people respond to them. That is my issue. I have an issue with consequences others impose on me as a result of my decisions or lifestyle choices, or for me simply being me.

• This topic was modified 6 years, 12 months ago by tinybuddha.
• This topic was modified 6 years, 12 months ago by tinybuddha.