Hi Anita,

Thank for your prompt response and insight.

Regarding the drug use, in the past I think he pretty much experienced everything except IV drugs, but the ones he abused were cocaine snorted, cannabis smoked and anti-anxiety medication (pills), I suspect alone and in social settings. I can clearly see the direct link between the abuse and some events in his life that led to poor mental health. Today it’s mostly cocaine, cannabis and alcohol. The cocaine is used in a social setting, cannabis/alcohol both social and alone.

I agree with you there is a vicious circle here and my blow won’t help but this was a result of months of accumulated tensions, where I tried to be curious about his past and present experiences, non-judgemental and open to anything that comes up in order to make him feel safe. But I would like us to meet in the middle where we can both feel safe, and unfortunately so far, I either got silence or dismissed (even before this incident). I know it’s a very difficult experience for him and not the kind you want to share with others, and I am trying my best to handle my own needs but I also want to feel safe and I have trouble making sense of his behaviour.

I think that the reason one we got there is due to an underlying communication issue. I honestly doubt that he will be up for couple’s counselling but I can always propose, or at least try to find some ressources about conflict resolution that we can discuss but honestly, I feel extremely pessimistic now. I am not sure what to do. I think there is some air to cleared about what happened a few months ago and I what I would like to do is to open a discussion about this that is productive but not sure how to bring up the topic without this ending up in drama. Some advice would be very much appreciated.

Thanks for your help

Lea

PS: a few other factors here but quite important, he’s 14 years older than me – so not at the same level of experience in life, I am not a native english speaker (FR), he is (UK) – so conflict in english can be a bit challenging for me, I feel it can hard to express myself when I am stressed, to round edges, etc.