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Lea

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  • May 10, 2017 at 4:18 am #148809
    Lea
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thanks for your response and kind words. The blow up was upsetting even for myself, I am usually a calm person and have a high threshold for anger but this time I felt really out of control. I felt that the only way to be heard was this way and not only I acted disrespectful but I also lowered my own standards and values. 

    I agree with you that age is just a number and that there is a gap in terms of emotional awareness between us. He did attend to personal therapy at the beginning of our relationship on his own decision because of jealousy related issues in order to prevent them from interfering with our relationship with very positive results. He mentioned to me his jealous thoughts but never acted on them and could clearly perceive how irrational they were even if it was very distressing for him.

    Ending the relationship is definitely an option, and I have considered it. But for now I would like to try to work on the relationship as I feel that there is still room for improvement and that overall the good outweighs the bad. I can tell he is receptive to what I have to say but there is a thick layer of defensiveness that prevents constructive dialogue around certain themes. And I also know that he wants to improve (cf. above) and give his best so for now my focus is to re-establish a dialogue around the “elephants in the room”.

    I am not sure how to approach him again and also how to manage my own emotions in reaction to his defensiveness and not to become too defensive myself. As I mentioned in a previous post when emotions start to get stronger my automatic response if crying which makes things worst. 

    Lea

     

     

     

     

     

    May 9, 2017 at 8:11 am #148657
    Lea
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank for your prompt response and insight.

    Regarding the drug use, in the past I think he pretty much experienced everything except IV drugs, but the ones he abused were cocaine snorted, cannabis smoked and anti-anxiety medication (pills), I suspect alone and in social settings. I can clearly see the direct link between the abuse and some events in his life that led to poor mental health. Today it’s mostly cocaine, cannabis and alcohol. The cocaine is used in a social setting, cannabis/alcohol both social and alone.

    I agree with you there is a vicious circle here and my blow won’t help but this was a result of months of accumulated tensions, where I tried to be curious about his past and present experiences, non-judgemental and open to anything that comes up in order to make him feel safe. But I would like us to meet in the middle where we can both feel safe, and unfortunately so far, I either got silence or dismissed (even before this incident). I know it’s a very difficult experience for him and not the kind you want to share with others, and I am trying my best to handle my own needs but I also want to feel safe and I have trouble making sense of his behaviour.

    I think that the reason one we got there is due to an underlying communication issue. I honestly doubt that he will be up for couple’s counselling but I can always propose, or at least try to find some ressources about conflict resolution that we can discuss but honestly, I feel extremely pessimistic now. I am not sure what to do. I think there is some air to cleared about what happened a few months ago and I what I would like to do is to open a discussion about this that is productive but not sure how to bring up the topic without this ending up in drama. Some advice would be very much appreciated.

    Thanks for your help

    Lea

    PS: a few other factors here but quite important, he’s 14 years older than me – so not at the same level of experience in life, I am not a native english speaker (FR), he is (UK) – so conflict in english can be a bit challenging for me, I feel it can hard to express myself when I am stressed, to round edges, etc.

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