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Stuck with anger

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • May 9, 2017 at 6:48 am #148627
    Lea
    Participant

    Hello,

    This is my first post on this forum. I have been reading it for quite a while and first I wanted to thank the authors and contributors for taking the time to share their thoughts, I think it is a great community here! So this is my turn to submit my questions, I would appreciate your thoughts and experience on the topic as I now feeling stuck in a situation and I need to broaden my thinking a bit.

    I have been dating my SO for 1.5 years. We get along very well, and we definitely have a lot of intellectual, spiritual and sexual complicity. I would like this relationship to grow and in particular on the emotional intimacy side. We have some issues to resolve and I am not sure how to take things forward as my previous attempts seem to have make things worst or left me dissatisfied.

    My SO is older than me and he comes with quite a lot of “baggage” which include substance abuse, PTSD following a severe accident, unemployment and generally low self-esteem and all sorts of self-sabotaging behaviours. I also have self-sabotaging tendencies and have my share of emotional issues but a long term psychotherapy helped me to accept myself and others better, feel more balanced, take more risks and develop my sense of self.

    My SO have now his life “sorted” in the sense he has a job, friends, hobbies etc. and seems generally content but he is still using  drugs/alcohol and can be quite excessive. I don’t think that his drug usage is an issue for him at this point but it is hugely unsettling for me given his past history. I do have liberal views on drugs but in this situation there is something that makes me really scared, scared that he goes back to his old habits, scared of the future. I have the feeling that he hasn’t turned some pages, it’s very hard to explain, it’s more at an intuitive level, sorry for not being more precise. I brought up these concerns early on in our relationship in a open and curious manner but never got proper reassuring words, he remained very silent and I am not sure what to think. He did decrease his consumption at the beginning of the relationship for a few months but I am not sure whether it was for me or to prove something to himself. I can feel his ambivalence towards drugs, e.g. limiting the amount he buys because otherwise he knows he is going to over indulge. This send me very mixed messages and it resulted in a blow up in a party a few months ago. My words were harsh and disrespectful and I am feeling really ashamed of my behaviour as it sent the wrong message but at the same time my questions are still unanswered. It has damaged our relationship and now I can tell he still holds resentment for what happened. I would like to discuss this again calmly and productively but I am not sure how to approach this topic as it has become very very sensitive. I don’t want him to feel finger pointed or shamed for his past, but I need to understand where he is now and have my feelings validated even if we do not agree on the situation.

    This takes me to my second point which is more general – sorry I realise this is becoming very long! He is a particularly defensive person, takes things very personally and tends to escalate conflicts. I feel that we can’t really have a proper relationship conversation that doesn’t end up in a crisis. I thin one of the reason we cannot resolve this drug thing question is that we do not have a solid communication basis. This is not my usual way to relate to people, and I would like that instead of being enemies in time of conflict we could be allies. I want to switch from you against me to us against the problem and I am feeling limited here. I also have another issue which is that when I get angry, I tend to start crying which I think aggravates the situation. I feel really out of control myself and as a consequence it becomes really hard to keep playing an active part in the conversation. I know I can’t change his reactions, but I can change mine and I would like to come to the point where I can stand up for myself whilst being open to what he has to say.

    I would really appreciate you experience and thoughts with these question. Thank and have a nice day!

     

     

     

    May 9, 2017 at 7:29 am #148643
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lea:

    I am glad you chose to post here and I hope it will be helpful to you.

    * Regarding his drug use, the kinds of drugs he used in the past and the kinds he still uses may be relevant. Does he swallow/smoke/snort/inject those drugs; alone or together with others, in social settings?

    You wrote about “a blow up in a party a few months ago. My words were harsh and disrespectful..” that unfortunately, is most likely in the way now and in the future, in the way of him feeling safe discussing his drug usage with you. My experience with people who use alcohol/drugs and are sensitive to negative criticism is that once you clearly express negative criticism of their use, they are… almost forever reluctant to open up to you about their use.

    * Regarding conflicts escalating, his win/lose (enemies) attitude to conflict resolution and your win/win (friends) attitude to conflict resolution, and then your crying, both of you distressed, overwhelmed and unable to resolve the conflict- this can be resolved if the two of you attend a few sessions of couple counseling just for this purpose: learn and practice, in the therapist’s office, to resolve conflicts (one at a time, in the office), using skills, for a win-win resolution. This can be taught, without involving insight necessarily into past issues, simply as a set of skills put into use.

    If you’d like to give more details regarding the kinds of drugs and methods (see the beginning of my reply), and if you’d like to share your thoughts and feelings about what I replied so far, please do, and we can communicate further.

    anita

    May 9, 2017 at 8:11 am #148657
    Lea
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank for your prompt response and insight.

    Regarding the drug use, in the past I think he pretty much experienced everything except IV drugs, but the ones he abused were cocaine snorted, cannabis smoked and anti-anxiety medication (pills), I suspect alone and in social settings. I can clearly see the direct link between the abuse and some events in his life that led to poor mental health. Today it’s mostly cocaine, cannabis and alcohol. The cocaine is used in a social setting, cannabis/alcohol both social and alone.

    I agree with you there is a vicious circle here and my blow won’t help but this was a result of months of accumulated tensions, where I tried to be curious about his past and present experiences, non-judgemental and open to anything that comes up in order to make him feel safe. But I would like us to meet in the middle where we can both feel safe, and unfortunately so far, I either got silence or dismissed (even before this incident). I know it’s a very difficult experience for him and not the kind you want to share with others, and I am trying my best to handle my own needs but I also want to feel safe and I have trouble making sense of his behaviour.

    I think that the reason one we got there is due to an underlying communication issue. I honestly doubt that he will be up for couple’s counselling but I can always propose, or at least try to find some ressources about conflict resolution that we can discuss but honestly, I feel extremely pessimistic now. I am not sure what to do. I think there is some air to cleared about what happened a few months ago and I what I would like to do is to open a discussion about this that is productive but not sure how to bring up the topic without this ending up in drama. Some advice would be very much appreciated.

    Thanks for your help

    Lea

    PS: a few other factors here but quite important, he’s 14 years older than me – so not at the same level of experience in life, I am not a native english speaker (FR), he is (UK) – so conflict in english can be a bit challenging for me, I feel it can hard to express myself when I am stressed, to round edges, etc.

    May 9, 2017 at 9:17 am #148685
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lea:

    You are welcome!

    You read like an exceptionally reasonable, considerate and insightful person. You are sensitive to his need to feel safe and reads to me you did your best to communicate with him about his drug/alcohol use in a non-threatening, non-judgmental way over months, and you probably did a good job at it. His distress and resulting unwillingness to communicate on this topic predated you (and the blowup), I am as sure as I can be.

    You wrote that he is 14 years older than you and suggested he has more life experience than you- only in terms of time, maybe. You have more experience in terms of understanding, insight and ability to communicate effectively with another. You also have more experience handling distress without using drugs. He is less experienced than you in these areas.

    If he is not likely to be willing to attend couple therapy for the purpose of communicating better and resolving conflicts more effectively, and if he is unlikely to attend individual therapy, this is not promising, I think, for the relationship with you.

    I understand your feeling of unsafety regarding his drug use, which you detailed clearly. His taking of cocaine on one hand, a stimulant, and alcohol, anxiety pills being depressants, is concerning because people who take those two opposites tend to use both: too stimulated? Take a depressant. Too depressed? Take a stimulant. Marijuana is not the harmless drug it was thought to be and has long term effects, not congruent with mental health.

    Have you considered ending the relationship? If you have what are your thoughts about it?

    anita

    May 10, 2017 at 4:18 am #148809
    Lea
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thanks for your response and kind words. The blow up was upsetting even for myself, I am usually a calm person and have a high threshold for anger but this time I felt really out of control. I felt that the only way to be heard was this way and not only I acted disrespectful but I also lowered my own standards and values. 

    I agree with you that age is just a number and that there is a gap in terms of emotional awareness between us. He did attend to personal therapy at the beginning of our relationship on his own decision because of jealousy related issues in order to prevent them from interfering with our relationship with very positive results. He mentioned to me his jealous thoughts but never acted on them and could clearly perceive how irrational they were even if it was very distressing for him.

    Ending the relationship is definitely an option, and I have considered it. But for now I would like to try to work on the relationship as I feel that there is still room for improvement and that overall the good outweighs the bad. I can tell he is receptive to what I have to say but there is a thick layer of defensiveness that prevents constructive dialogue around certain themes. And I also know that he wants to improve (cf. above) and give his best so for now my focus is to re-establish a dialogue around the “elephants in the room”.

    I am not sure how to approach him again and also how to manage my own emotions in reaction to his defensiveness and not to become too defensive myself. As I mentioned in a previous post when emotions start to get stronger my automatic response if crying which makes things worst. 

    Lea

     

     

     

     

     

    May 10, 2017 at 6:47 am #148835
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lea:

    If the drugs are “the elephant in the room”- then there will always be that elephant in the room. There is no way, I believe, to ever be sure that he will not abuse drugs. Since that concern exists, it is likely to come back. Sometimes you forget about that elephant, at other times it looks less threatening, but it is there.

    The way I see the future of any relationship is that there are no guarantees of safety, there are always dangers- as in all areas of life. There is always the possibility of disease and death (non drug related), for one. And so, there is always this or that elephant-in-the-room. It is a matter of probabilities, statistical chances.

    Regarding you crying when emotional, during conversations- notice when you start getting emotional and take a break, a time-out from the conversation, listen to music, have tea, take a short walk, do something to relax, and come back to the conversation later on. You may want to try that?

    anita

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