I feel  if someone whom I was attracted to wanted me and actually put in an effort  I would turn into this loving person. I wonder if I would sabotage the relationship the way I unconsciously sabotage my friendships. Relationships of any kind are difficult for me unless it’s in service to someone and that someone never criticizes me. I do have someone like that in my life. She puts up with me being late which I am almost always late. She listens to me and tells me she understands. There is another person and these two people are somewhat authority figures in my life. They never lose their high opinion of me no matter how much I get upset or cry or am late..

I am always in survival mode with little bursts of ambition that fizzle out and then I just remain in survival mode. I have always wanted to be an artist. I have done murals for my family and friend but nothing professional. I took art classes at Community College but didn’t finish my associate’s degree. I earned a certificate in Interior Design and never pursued a job. I wanted to be a journalist and a writer when I was in grade school but everything after grandmother died happened and I went off track of having interests or pursuits.  I wanted to be a teacher but the school I wanted to go to was too expensive. I’ve wanted to be an art therapist, art teacher…later on I actually took classes in real estate and barely graduated only to fail the exams. I can retake the exams but I’m not sure I want to.

In recent years I have thought of being a writer and illustrator but I am so tired from my job. So stressed. I can not make these things happen. All the while I am dreaming of myself in some alternate universe in a relationship with a man and I am sometimes dealing with worse problems that I actually do in my real life. The only difference is I am not alone.

For most of the 90’s it was just me and my dog with passing chances with men. I could get initial attention but rarely beyond that. I had two tiring but somewhat fullfling jobs in my life that I spent many years at. I could have moved up but lost both to my mood problems and crying.

I have tried medication, diet, exercise, affirmations, self help tapes, a couple seminars, hypnosis, psychics, gemstones, therapy, therapy, therapy, yoga, outpatient treatment, group therapy, Self help books, books on how to flirt, I have tried even more.

The only thing I haven’t tried is dating for fun. I can’t do that. I have never done that. Friendship is different but a romantic relationship I think something more has to be there than just liking someone. I also hate the idea of rejecting someone even though I have had to do it in a kind of blowing off initial attention towards me.

I feel as if I would know him if he showed up. I felt that way with a man I talked with online a few years back and when he just stopped talking to me I was devastated. I am not pushy and would wait for him to talk to me. It got to the point that I had to always be the one to start conversations. I still miss him. He definately was someone I was looking for. He was intelligent, funny, sensitive but strong, thoughtful, cared about the environment, politics, what was going on in the world, extraverted, critical when he felt it was needed, caring about people, caring about animals, I know I said funny but he was often funny in a very subtle way that I loved, handsome.

I didn’t grow up around many guys who had these traits at least I didn’t notice any. The guys I grew up around were very critical but not constructively critical. They often seemed to have narrow interests consisting of sports and beer. I have no problem with either, it’s the lack of interest in any thing else I don’t understand. What is strange is I have discovered along the way that men who were married to my friends did have other interests but you had to delve into a deeper conversation to find those interests.

Well the 90’s consisted of me working at a low paying job and the best thing I did was be a nanny to children.

I lived for the most part in my not so nice apartment with my dog. I worked and spent a lot of time with my best friend who just got married and was starting a family. We were definately not on the same page and she wanted me to have a relationship as well. I met a friend of her husbands who was cute and funny and who seemed to like me but after I said something kinda negative, not about him but other men, he really didn’t pursue any kind of relationship with me. Even when we were alone sleeping on the couches at the beach in my friend’s family house.

So yeah I went out a few times in the 90’s but only with friends watching them have relationships, develop relationships, receive flowers for valentine’s day. Cried a lot.

Around 2000 I had a job that paid well by my experience anyway but was very difficult and badically more of same as far as my relationship with my co workers go.Oh I had a job just before this one and after the one I had a long time in the 90’s. Here is a good example of a consistant theme in my life. I was working at a department store with the naive notion that this could be fun. I was put into one department that I loved but stocking was something I was not very good at and I had to do it quickly and I couldn’t. I wanted to clean everything. I also had to tend to the cash register. I was great at the register. Often the department store would have me cover two departments at once and one department required me to go up to the stock room every time someone wanted to make a purchase because they were large items. It often took me away from my first department. This was 1998 so you can imagine how thin workers are being spread today in department stores if you wonder you can’t find someone to help you.

One day the register was short and my register was always on point but there was no explanation for it. Then it happened again and one of the managers looked at me with a glare and walked away like I did something wrong. It was obvious that someone was stealing from the register at that point. They acted like they were sure it was me and even put me in this room with no windows talking to a detective and what did I do? I cried of course. I cried because I was insulted not because I did anything. Apparantly in their world and I guess everyone else’s that means you did something wrong but I felt like a victum. Like I was being punished for doing a good job. There were so many things I was not but I was miss honest and I took this as an insult and just another instance of being treated shabbily by men. The woman who was head cashier believed me when I said I did nothing wrong. I was in there a long time and I mantained I did nothing wrong and vecoming depressed. They had no choice but to leave me back on the floor.

Well they find out on camera the someone who found a way to open the register and I am clearly in the other department at the same time. They simply informed me of this and offered no apology for what they put me through. My immediate manager didn’t think they needed to apologize. Another manager asked me “Did they straigten you out on what happened” so he showed concern. As far as I was concerned the damage was done. I gave them notice and quit. That is just one example of many in my life.

The 00’s were worse than the 90’s as I didn’t have my best friend anymore after an argument in 2002. I lost my dog. I didn’t really have friends to go out with anymore. I had younger roommates and everyone my age had moved on to having families. I spent a lot of time alone. Going out alone. Staying in my room alone. I went to art museums and cafes and bought music and books. I lived at the bookstore. Still searching for ways to have a life. I lost my home that I was renting in a fire a week before my natural mother died. I had to live with my family. So I was not only alone. I had lost my independence.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Lisa.