I spent the latter half of the 00’s living with my aunt and her husband. I didn’t have to worry about any issues with the home I was living in but I felt like a charity case. No matter how hard I worked having my own home seemed like something that was not meant to be for me. I also became more sedentary. I did take art classes but didn’t graduate. I also noticed my ocd became worse. I obsess a lot and constantly wash my hands. My obsessions for example was worrying that if I didn’t pick the right cup something bad was going to happen. I also thought I could prevent bad things from happening by whatever shirt I put on that day. I have totured myself over that nearly my whole life. Those are just examples of my ocd.
Getting back to men. I have even wished for a man to find me. It’s so important that he wants me first. Anything less I see as failure. My grandfather and a few married men seemed to enjoy my company but my grandfather died and the women attached to the married men would get slightly annoyed with me talking to them. I had absolutely no intentions other than knowing I had friends. Like I kinda said, I am very old fashioned when it comes to love. I just felt the women I knew had absolutely no care in the world that I was alone and my one friend just wanting someone she had something in common with. The men I talked about would give me compliments and tell me that it upsets them to see me in pain. I could go more depth on this but I don’t want to give the wrong impression.
I finally moved out of my aunt’s house and into a rented room in a big beautiful home that within a month turned into a disaster that almost caused me to have a nervous breakdown. I started not caring about all the things I always cared about because I was becoming resentful and I guess bitter. Yet again my home turned into a nightmare. I would not like to go into it because I don’t want to relive it. Then I moved out and shared a lovely apartment with a roommate that turned out to be not so lovely. At that point I had to move back in with my aunt. My job that I had been working at for almost 10 years fired me shortly after for not being able to control my emotions. I would often cry at work like I did at every other job I had. This was the job I had advanced with the most too.
A woman got me in trouble too and she seened very happy to do it to. I often feel like I am being punished. I would like to know what for though. Of course I had to get a job that paid much less than I was making at the long term job. I finally had to move out of my aunt’s again and into a lovely home that teased a catastrophe for me but subsided but by then I was so fragile of anything happening in my home I had a meltdown. Not again. My poor roommate had suffered something the year before though. I stayed there and watched her dogs which was a joy for me but then she moved which meant I had to move. I now rent a room in a lovely home but you guessed it, something that I am very phobic about happened. It hasn’t actually happened yet but some work has to be done on the house and I just need reassurance that it is going to be ok.
I started last night writing out goals for 1 day, 1 week, 1 month, year, 2,3,4,5 years and I accomplished some of my daily goals but not all of them and since someone didn’t spend time with me today I have gone off my diet. I was seeing a therapist a month or two ago but I just can’t afford it on my current job.
I feel sick right now and sitting alone watching the rain outside.
It’s like a cycle you know. Your lonely so you try to curb your lonliness with something that might be contributing to your lonliness. I know on paper what needs to be done but I feel like I’m climbing a hill made of mud.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 