Dear Leocube:

You asked: “Please help me understand myself… Maybe someone who is older who has once felt this way can explain this mindset to me.”- I am older and felt much of what you describe about my mother from an early age. This is my understanding of your mindset. Let me know what you think of my understanding:

The reason you “have this disgust feeling towards them” is because they are charging you a very high price for their love. The price is your “true self”.

This means they have already rejected your true self, and to get whatever love you could get from them, you let them “owns (your) emotions,” that is, own your true self.

They have owned your true self, and you have been separated, as a result, from your true self,  for so long that you “don’t even know what (your) true self is”.

Mental well-being is not possible when separated from one’s true self. Distress and suffering is a result of such separation. Naturally, a person yearns to no longer suffer, to be FREE to BE who you are.

You are afraid to free yourself because that will hurt your family, so you allow them to keep your true self in a prison, and you dream of the day when you will stop caring for them, so that you will not feel guilty about being… you.

anita