I don't want to care about my family, I don't know why !!

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This topic has 8 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 11 months ago by Malley.

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May 25, 2017 at 9:47 pm #150724

Leocube
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I think I posted a similar topic awhile ago and till now, I still feel the same way. Please help me understand myself. I love my family, but I don’t want to. It’s tiring, troublesome, and I don’t want to deal with it. They never did anything wrong to me, they are good people. I just have this disgust feeling towards them and I don’t know why. I’ve always felt like my family is holding me back from being my true self. I don’t even know what my true self is, but I feel this restrain everytime I’m around my family. I’m not talking about having a passion that they don’t support, they’re supportive and love me, but I just want to be able to treat my family the way I would treat strangers. They’re a burden to my emotional health and despise that. I’m 22 and have been living on my on since I graduated high school.

When I turn 30, I plan to tell my family that I no longer wish to associate with them. It doesn’t mean that I want them to be unhappy, I just don’t want this attachment. However, I know they’re not going to just forget about me, they will cry, they will beg, they will ask, and that’s what I hate. I want to forget about them and have them forget about me. I don’t want to have to feel bad when they’re feeling bad. I also don’t want them to feel bad when I’m feeling bad.

I’m jealous of orphans because they don’t have that burden. They can go through life knowing that nobody owns their emotions and they don’t own anyone’s emotion. I wish that my family would all die so that I can be at peace with myself. Of course I don’t mean like i want to kill them. I just want them to disappear. Maybe someone who is older who has once felt this way can explain this mindset to me. Is it that I just want to be independent? That’s what people tell me but for some reason I don’t feel like this is the right answer.

May 26, 2017 at 4:54 am #150742

Inky
Participant

Hi Leocube,

I’m sorry your family is so pedestrian and conventional. I mean I am searching for most likely adjectives for them as you haven’t really described them.

No need to hurt them, just eventually fade out of their life over the years.

Best,

Inky

May 26, 2017 at 9:23 am #150782

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Leocube:

You asked: “Please help me understand myself… Maybe someone who is older who has once felt this way can explain this mindset to me.”- I am older and felt much of what you describe about my mother from an early age. This is my understanding of your mindset. Let me know what you think of my understanding:

The reason you “have this disgust feeling towards them” is because they are charging you a very high price for their love. The price is your “true self”.

This means they have already rejected your true self, and to get whatever love you could get from them, you let them “owns (your) emotions,” that is, own your true self.

They have owned your true self, and you have been separated, as a result, from your true self, for so long that you “don’t even know what (your) true self is”.

Mental well-being is not possible when separated from one’s true self. Distress and suffering is a result of such separation. Naturally, a person yearns to no longer suffer, to be FREE to BE who you are.

You are afraid to free yourself because that will hurt your family, so you allow them to keep your true self in a prison, and you dream of the day when you will stop caring for them, so that you will not feel guilty about being… you.

anita

May 26, 2017 at 3:13 pm #150814

Rose
Participant

I do know what you mean, because to some extent I can relate to that feeling too. Sometimes I just wish I was independent enough to live on my own (Im only 17). I know that it might seem to people that it’s just because Im a teenager but I have always felt this way about my family. I do love them and they mean everything to me and I know that they care for me too but in my opinion having a family is just very tiring. I too have to pretend to be someone else with my family because the moment I just get home I change and I dont know why.

I guess with me its because I dont like caring for people because that is the only way you can get hurt. When you see someone you love getting hurt you hurt even more and that is what I find very hard to cope with. I want to isolate myself from everyone and have a life where I wouldnt have to care for anyone and just be myself for myself. I want a new life where I’m not tied back to anyone or anything and I can just do what I feel I want to do. Maybe it’s the same with you…

May 26, 2017 at 3:21 pm #150830

Leocube
Participant

@anita I feel like what you’re saying makes sense to me, but I can’t think of concrete evidence that they rejected my true self. I can think of a few small examples of my family making me feel bad, but I also think every family is like that. You’ve commented on my post long time before and I feel like your relationship with your mother is stemmed from an actual “abusive” POV. I just don’t think my family is abusive towards me.

I can remember a few keystone occasions that made me permanently pulled back from my family in some aspect. For example, in elementary school, we had several maid/babysitter that came and went. I was close to all of them so when each of them were fired, I always cried a lot. Not until 5th grade when another maid was fired and I cried, that was when my parents made some light hearted joke like “aw, you’re crying, that’s so cute” or “It’s ok you can cry”. I felt insulted for some reason and I never cried again.

If I’m not just making narratives up in my head, I think from that point on, I felt like I need to disassociate from people so I don’t feel sad if they happen to be gone again. I know my parents didn’t mean to make me feel bad, but for some reason I just did. I think not crying also led to other things like I couldn’t act compassionate, or caring for people I care about.

But I just don’t think this is everything. Since I was a kid, I’ve had fantasy of my parents getting into car accident so I could live by myself (dumb, I know), but this also means that it is not entirely their fault, but also my fault for having a low key desire for them to be gone. I don’t know If I’m just piercing together non related pieces to fit a narrative, or if this is the root of the problem.

May 26, 2017 at 3:27 pm #150832

Leocube
Participant

@rose That is precisely what I’ve been telling myself actually. I guess I don’t want this attachment because I’m too much of a wuss to deal with my emotion. But people say there is always a reason for someone feeling the way that they do. When you say that you just switch to another person and you don’t know why, I think this is where we should start looking into. Because we can pretend to act a certain way but our minds will never actually feel that certain way. I want to get to the root of the problem as to why we would act like a different person to begin with. What I’m afraid of is that I actually can’t remember much about my past, and I don’t want to make false connections.

May 27, 2017 at 7:37 am #150870

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Leocube:

You wrote to me: “I feel like your relationship with your mother is stemmed from an actual ‘abusive’ POV. I just don’t think my family is abusive towards me.”

You wrote the word abusive inside quotation marks. Maybe the word is confusing to you as it has been for me. A word is confusing if we are not sure what the word means.

If to be abused means to be beaten until we bleed, then I was not abused, and since you didn’t mention bleeding, then you were not abused either. But if the word abused means to be treated, often enough, like an object, a thing (not a person), as if you had no feelings, then maybe we were both abused.

There really is no necessity in using the word, so let’s not.

You wrote: “I don’t want to (love your parents). It’s tiring, troublesome… I just have this disgust feeling towards them… They’re a burden to my emotional health… I’m jealous of orphans because they don’t have that burden…I wish that my family would all die so that I can be at peace with myself… I just want them to disappear.

…Since I was a kid, I’ve had fantasy of my parents getting into car accident so I could live by myself”

If your parents loved you, accepted you for who you were, a child, a person whose feelings are valid and important to pay attention to and consider; if they attended to you empathetically and respectfully, would you have the thoughts and feelings you described above?

* It used to be easy to look at previous threads on the website, but it is no longer easy. I have some memory, I think, of your previous thread. Will be looking for it and if I find it, I would like to write to you more.

anita

May 27, 2017 at 5:50 pm #150918

Malley
Participant

It sounds as if you are allowing their feelings and attitudes create your reality. You have an attachment to the outcomes of their behaviors. Just live your life and don’t take on their baggage. I don’t mean do not help them. Help in things you can help.. run to the store, pick up take out etc. but do not take on their projections. You are a separate person and you are not responsible for their feelings or how they respond. You cannot carry their weights and let their burdens bind you up You have to remain free in your spirit to be who you are.

June 14, 2017 at 12:47 pm #153254

DeeGee
Participant

I’ve often felt as if some distance would be a healthy thing for my relationship with my family.

I seem to be the only one who thinks, feels and understands the way I do. They make me feel the most awkward and uncomfortable when it’s in their company I should feel the most myself. They are my toughest “social circle” in which to function. My energy is drained when I leave their presence and can only take them in doses.

But, what I’ve learned is that when I’m busy being focused on what I truly want for my life, I don’t have much time or energy for anything negative – including their judgments. When I’m dialed in to positives, the negatives always take a back seat or fall off with little to no effort of mine.

I’d encourage you to set about the journey of fulfilling your life. Use your energy wisely and for good. Either, they’ll evolve with you or they’ll find themselves uncomfortable in your grand light. But, you should definitely stay focused on your light!

February 9, 2018 at 12:34 am #191545

Noel
Participant

Similar feelings except some key differences on how I feel towards my family. Since I was young, I always had Buddhist type of beliefs despite not knowing it until later in life. One being I can let go of a lot of things rather easily including people. I am actively meditating and have found positive results in lots of areas in life but family still is a struggle for me. Mostly because Im such a demanding, independent and focused person who feels burdened/frustrated with my family’s lack of initiative in many aspects in life. I

“Please help me understand myself. I love my family, but I don’t want to. It’s tiring, troublesome, and I don’t want to deal with it. They never did anything wrong to me, they are good people. I just have this disgust feeling towards them and I don’t know why. I’ve always felt like my family is holding me back from being my true self. I don’t even know what my true self is, but I feel this restrain everytime I’m around my family. ”

You are 22 years old, you have lots of time for change of perception of yourself and family. Life is not easy, in fact its full of suffering and family for sure contributes to it. The cookie cutter family does not exist and I have come to realization that I must except that in order to improve relationship with my family. You mention not knowing your true self, this is very sad to hear from anyone. Before you focus on your family you need to come to realize your true self and love your self, make any self improvement you need to if need be. Once you except your true self life is so much simpler. I have the opposite with my family, I am fully aware of who I am and my family takes me being myself as being a mean, cold person when all I want to do is help them. Eventually I discovered you can lead a horse to water but not make them drink. Since discovering this my stress level with my family has gone down but im still very irked by their life decisions and always a topic for argument. Being aware that I wont always have my family helps to keep trying to focus on the presnt of being with them despite how much they piss me off.

“When I turn 30, I plan to tell my family that I no longer wish to associate with them. ”

Maybe have distance but completely cut them off would be cruel. Just make your self less available and time will pass by where they wont reach out as often. I’ve thought about this at times but like you said you dont want to hurt them. Most people would be crushed to hear you dont want them in your life anymore. Dont intentionally hurt them like that.

“I’m jealous of orphans because they don’t have that burden. ”

So young, so naive. Life is perspective, an orphan would say you are rich to have the opportunity to have people who care about you in your life. Take it in and enjoy the positives and negatives of family. There is never just one side.
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