Forum Replies Created
April 8, 2018 at 9:44 pm #201409
@anita When they said “I love you”, they meant it. That phrase still means the same thing now that it did back then, only now do they realize that it just doesn’t matter, because they finally realize that their love was insignificant in the grand scheme of things. What they thought was “love”, was only the means to their own self-interest.April 8, 2018 at 4:43 pm #201343
<p style=”text-align: left;”>@heyitsjess I think moving on applies to any situation where a person finds themselves dwelling on the past, whether the negative experience was their fault or not. At the end of the day, everyone wants to be happy and at peace. You may have made a big mistake in the past, and you may have ruined someone’s be life, but looking at the bigger picture, what you did had no impact on how the universe operates. People can be shitty to each other, people can be kind, at the end of the day, nothing matters. Your loved ones will die, you will die, you will be forgotten, the Earth is only an atom in space…it just doesn’t matter. Some people operate on taking advantages of others, some are selfless, both will die in the end.</p>
Of course, it’s normal to feel bad, especially if you’ve made a mistake, but if you truly feel remorseful and had done everything in your power to make it right, then it’s time to move on. Or should we sacrifice our own happiness to correct the wrong that we did?
As for the subject of meditation, I think your method can help a person get a deeper understanding of his own self, whereas mine is to simply organize or compartmentalize. I will try what you have shared since I will be interested in what I will find about myself .April 7, 2018 at 9:39 pm #201245
Throughout my entire childhood, I’ve heard this sentence “there’s nothing you can do about it, so just move on” on many occasions. Whenever I asked people how they were able to deal with a negative experience, they would always give me that answer. At that time, I understood the logic, the logic made sense, but I never could adapt to it. I never could just “move on”. I would dwell on it, I would think about what I could have done, what I should have done, what the other party could have done, whose fault it was. I would think about it for hours, days, years. I wish that I could explain my though process, but I couldn’t, because for some reason, at 24 years of age, I am now able to just “move on”. Something just clicked inside me and I was able to let go. Things happened, and there isn’t really anything that I can do about it now, so why dwell on it?
I’d be lying if I say that I’m enlightened. I’m not, I’m still evolving. Sometimes things pop back up in my head and I would dwell on it, then I have to remind myself to “move on”. Memories are not as painful/embarrassing as they used to be, they happened, and the world keeps turning. I would suggest something that I call “visual meditation”. It is a technique that has worked for me. It’s essentially your usual meditation, combining with a concept called “mind palace” (I learned from watching Sherlock Holmes). You can spend 30 minutes to do this before going to bed, and try to do it everyday so you are able to rewire the way your brain works.
Imagine yourself in complete darkness………. Any bad memories/thoughts that comes up in your head, let it surface, don’t suppress it. This is where you will actually get in touch with those thoughts……… Seeing yourself in 3rd person sitting there in complete darkness, with these memories floating around you, like little screens….By seeing yourself in 3rd person, you are able to disassociate form your emotions and feelings. ……..Now line them up in anyway that you like, and imagine a little file cabinet. ……Any memories that you don’t like thinking about, put them in that little cabinet, and now they’re gone…………. Yes, they will pop up again, and you would again close your eyes, come back to your space of total darkness and that little file cabinet that you imagined before, and put that little file back in there…………. Over time, your space of darkness can now have a table and a chair, and that little file cabinet, ….maybe this time you would have another file cabinet, for something else, let’s say “work related cabinet”. …….You can start to expand your space and build your old “palace”, where you can visually organize your thoughts/feelings……….Remember to relax all your muscles…the muscles on your face, your buttcheeks, stomache…etc..take it slow and relax.
For me, imagining myself in 3rd person was essential in the beginning since it helps me disassociate. By doing this, I was able to think clearer, I wasn’t in a constant emotional roller coaster like before. My brain actually feels more organized and I was able to live in the present and not the past or the future. I now can do it with my eyes opened and to be honest, I haven’t been doing it as often as I should have since I felt “cured”, but I’m getting back into it now.
Just something that i would like to share, maybe you have your own technique that I would love to learn.
April 7, 2018 at 6:31 pm #201241
- This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by Leocube.
30. I love you because Jesus would want me to love you.
31. I’ve been saying “I love you” for 75 years but only now when I’m on my death bed do I truly understand what it means.
32. I’ve been saying “I love you” for 75 years but only now when I’m on my death bed do I realize that I’ve only been loving myself.
33. I love you because I’m really fond of you and the only word that I can use to describe what I’m feeling is “love”.
34. I love you because I’ve been taught to say those words to people I don’t hate.
35. My life is great and I’m feeling better than ever so here is a “love” for you, you random stranger. Aren’t I great?
36. I love you because that’s what people say to each other and I’m kinda trying to fit in.
37. I love you because I’m expecting it back 40 years down the road.
…one or two of these are what I mean when I tell people that I love them.March 22, 2018 at 6:28 pm #198903
@anita Hi, to answer your question, I do tend to think alot about people even if they have no positive value in my life. For example, I still think about my middle school bully occasionally and wonder what his life is like right now. Obviously I don’t like him, but if it’s someone that I know and interact with for a long period of time, I will think about them. If a person has ever triggered some sort of strong emotion in my brain, I will remember and think about them. Sometimes I get giddy on the thought that I no longer have to be associated with my family, but sometimes, I get an image in my head of my mother’s face looking sad and I think to myself that maybe I won’t be as giddy and happy as I thought I would be. I still stand by my decision, I just need to get these thoughts out there somewhere.
I feel sorry for my family. I want them to be well and happy, maybe death would be better. I wish that they could just die painlessly and swiftly so at least I don’t have to worry about their future. I don’t mean like I want them dead in a vengeful way, I jsut feel that it would be in their best interest (and mine) if they were to die. Is this turning into something else? hahaMarch 19, 2018 at 9:58 pm #198243
@anita Hi Anita, what you’ve explained could very well be true, I really don’t know. I’ve never thought of myself as a deep person. I feel what I feel and most of the times, I act on the shallow emotions that I feel. I don’t tend to analyse them very much. I’m just thinking out loud here, but it’s almost like, I can’t undo what I already know. I know of my family, and I’ve spent a good 18 years of my life living with them, I think it makes sense that I would be thinking about them from time to time. But on the otherhand, there’s something telling me that if they aren’t worth being in my life, then I wouldn’t be thinking about them at all. The fact that I will think about them could mean that maybe they are worthy to have in my life.
Before they move in with me, I was living alone and rarely contacted them, I was completely ok. Only now that I’ve decided to cut ties with them, my brain is thinking up of all the “ifs”. I feel like only time can answer these questions. I tend to overthink and doubt myself alot, so this may also be one of those moments as well, I really hope that it is.
@Peter Thanks for you insights. I rarely think in term of “I’m a bad person/I’m a good person”. What I do think is whether I am good enough. Whether I truly deserve these achievements. I just want to know objectively what my real ability is. That’s why I dropped out of college, I didn’t take my parents money, and started working minimum wage right when I turned 18. I wanted to know had I not been given money, or a college education like a good amount of the population, would I amount to anything. I usually compare myself to the people that started with nothing, rather than the people that were blessed with money and a good education.March 15, 2018 at 7:03 pm #197525
Sorry for the super super late reply, sometimes I get emotional and went online to rant then I would forget all about it, sort of like a blackout.
@VJ : Thanks for your insight, I don’t like to get too comfortable as I’ve experienced my bubbles being busted before. I think that I understand what you mean when you’re talking about these energy being formed. Not quite like “karma”, but something like “cause and effect”. I’ve thought about these things before too but I’ve also wondered whether everything is just coincidental. Some people have crappy lives just because, and some people have amazing luck just because.
@anita : Hi anita, it’s nice to hear from you. It’s amazing that you’re able to remember the things that I (and hundreds of others) have told you. I have decided to cut ties with my family, that decision still stands. They have agreed to move out by June this year. They’re looking into buying a house or an apartment in the mean time. I realize that although we may not be on the same boat, but I do feel grateful for the things that they’ve done for me and I would like to return the favor by giving them time to get their situation in order. I’m thinking of giving them my small house as a gift and move somewhere else because frankly, I would prefer they not know where I live. I’ve worked hard to buy that house, but I never really cared much for money. I’ve talked to them about it and they don’t want to have my house and insist that I stay here while they move away. Either way, I will be moving somewhere else. I won’t be having any contact with them after I move away.
I actually don’t feel proud about this, it just feels long overdue. I don’t feel happy or sad about it, I just feel like it was only necessary. If you’re able to reply, i have a question that I would like to ask you. I know that after I move away, I will be thinking about them from time to time for the rest of my life. I will be wondering how they’re doing, if they’re happy, if they’re sad. I will be reminiscing about the good times that we had. What does this mean? Does this mean that I’m regretting? Does this mean that having these thoughts are only natural? What would you call these emotions? Are they even emotions? Thank you.
@Jake: It’s weird because reading your comment, I’m actually remembering how I used to think as a kid. I wanted to be a rich and famous surgeon. I wanted all the girls to desire me. I wanted everyone to accept me as superior to them. Overall, I wanted to continue being in the same social class that I was born into (my parents are surgeons and my family is well respected in my home country). Typically in my culture, being a doctor has got to be one of the most respected jobs. Even the richest guy in my country had came to our family to extend respect to my parents after my mom saved his daughter. I used to look down on people who work “labor jobs”, like dishwashers, cooks, severs, cashiers, movers etc. Not look down, but I never thought that today I would be working one of these labor jobs, and enjoying it. If I were to tell my 18 year old self that I would be a cook in the future, my 18 year old self would have been greatly disappointed. I guess the younger me wouldn’t have considered my life right now as “lucky”.November 16, 2017 at 3:14 pm #178405
Thank you. I never realized how “easy” this was. I’m glad I finally did it. Now that I’ve told them, I no longer have any negative reaction to their presence.September 29, 2017 at 5:42 pm #170995
@anita Sorry for the late reply, I’ve been busy with work these past few days.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this and I’ve decided to do some meditation and self reflection like you suggested. I think I’m not very sure myself about letting them go either. I would like to clear my head first and really objectively look at this whole situation and decide what I should do. Cutting ties is a thought that has been in the back of my mind for a very long time, even since I was a little kid. I knew that I wanted them out of my life, but I never wanted it badly enough until now.
I think my parents have many traits of a narcissistic personality. It’s very weird because I can sense that their actions are manipulative, but emotionally, I feel like they’re good people who are just misunderstood. Thank you for your advice and suggestions. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time but now I’m going to actually seriously consider leaving them. I used to ask this question when my urges got too strong, but after a few days, I would tell myself that maybe it’s not necessary. But I can see that this thought keeps popping up and I need to deal with it once and for all. Otherwise, nothing will change.
Also, I believe that my brother genuinely love our parents. I’ve talked to him about me leaving before and he urged me not to do it. He always has nice things to say about them. I would say that my brother and my parents are very alike in many ways. They just seem to get along with each other very well without any effort. Maybe he’s just faking it, that could be true. If he’s faking this, then he’s a really good actor.September 26, 2017 at 1:01 pm #170457
@anita I do believe that they don’t want me to hate them, and so they changed their way. What I’ve been taught is that as a child, I have to be grateful to my parents and take care of them in their old age, so they maybe wanting someone to take care of them when they got old. However, they have a lot of money back in our home country. They can just hire people to take care of them. They’re on good terms with my brother so he can take care of them. They moved to this country because they “miss” me and would like “the whole family to stay together”. My brother has a good relationship with them despite being treated the same as I was, so that’s one of the reason why I’m thinking maybe this is all my problem.
Does it sound to you like they’re genuine people? Because since I’m not an outsider, I sometimes may not see the full picture. Everyone around me has been treated this way, my parents were treated this way, and everyone turned out fine (like my brother), It seems that I’m the only one who dwells on these past experiences and I don’t know if it’s my fault.
September 25, 2017 at 2:19 pm #170253
- This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Leocube.
@anita Thank you for clarifying to me. I didn’t mention before, but my parents have became more bearable to endure comparing to my school years. Which is why this is complicated for me. They weren’t very understanding when I was a small kid, but since I have expressed my disdain for them at 18 before moving to another country, I think they’ve changed and became more flexible in how they treat me. This is how I feel when I think about this subject. They have treated me badly as a kid, but all because of our culture and what they thought was the right thing, I expressed my feelings to them (I hate this family and I’m moving to a different country), they’ve changed. Seeing this, to me, it means that they’re not bad people. But because they treated me badly in the past, I’m now who I am because of that and I don’t know how to change otherwise, so my solution is to sever all ties.
I can focus on my feelings, but at the same time, I know that they are not bad people and I can’t leave them without feeling like maybe this isn’t justified. If they were bad people, this would have been very easy for me and I wouldn’t have asked for any help, but they’re not bad people and that’s why it’s hard for me. What should I do if focusing on my feelings alone is not enough?September 24, 2017 at 9:00 am #170019
@anita Thanks for your follow up. I was thinking more on the line of if I try and recall the insensitive things that they did, I would feel more justified in leaving them. I don’t know how focusing on how I used to feel would help this process. I think you’re trying to get me to put my feelings first. Will this ultimately help me undo my emotional attachment? How can it do that?September 23, 2017 at 4:27 pm #169965
@anita Thank you for your advice. I will familiarize my brain with the images of my family being hurt. Would it help to quicken the process if I also try to focus on all the insensitive things that they did to me when I was a kid? Or would this lead me to the wrong mindset? I don’t want to hate them, I just want to get rid of the emotional attachment that I have for them.September 22, 2017 at 4:52 pm #169919
@anita I really want to leave my family, but when I do bring this up, my family is very hurt by this. I’m not sure if this is them trying to manipulate me, or if they genuinely feel bad, I’m leaning more on the latter. I think my family genuinely care for me, but because of how they treated me in the past (or what they thought was the right thing to do), I can’t open up to them. I would like to “rewire” my brain so that I could have no emotional attachment to them. How can I do this?September 20, 2017 at 6:55 pm #169625
@anita Sometimes I feel like the things that happened to me in my childhood shaped who I am today. However, there are also times when I feel like I was just being a little kid, and little kids cry, little kids fantasize about going on adventures, and how my parents treated me was like how other parents would treat their kids. I came from a different culture where these things are pretty normal. I have been beaten as a kid by my parents, and so were all of my friends. I was teased by my parents and so were all of my friends, it was “Normal” in my culture. My first impression of my home was that it was stressful because my parents (especially my father) were very strict about school. However, there were also times where I genuinely felt happy to be in that family, mostly when we would go on vacations, or when they bought me things.
I’m very attached to my doll because I can be myself around it. That, you are right. I was a shy kid and never had anyone I felt like I could open up to emotionally, and my doll was the only person/thing that I’ve always been close with. I would murder anyone who tries to harm my doll. What I don’t know is whether I was just a sensitive kid that got affected by the smallest things, or whether my childhood was actually as lonely as I felt like it was. I feel like I’m just sensitive
@Peter You are right about that. I used to watch national geographic and wolves are indeed pack animals. I guess I used the wrong term to describe how I feel. This is a rant so I just said whatever comes to mind. As you could see, my post wasn’t that coherent, there were several thoughts that are all over the place.
@PearceHawk It would be better to not dwell much on the “Lone wolf” analogy. I misused it. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t want any attachment, at least not to the people that I didn’t choose to have that attachment (my family). If I were to have an attachment to someone, it would be an attachment that I chose to create (like with my doll), not one where I was forced and brainwashed into (with my family). Keep in mind that I’m an extreme person, so how I feel may not accurately represent reality. I want to be emotionally free from my family, whom I don’t particularly care for as people, but somehow there is a part of me that is attached to them. I would pity them if I leave, and I would be miserable if I stay.
I don’t know what my personality is. I can look back on experiences and predict how I would react in a situation, and I call that my personality. I can truly be free (live in the moment) when I’m with my doll. Whenever I interact with people, I always put up a front, doesn’t matter who. The thing is that when I put up a front around outsiders (caring, generous, personal), I feel ok, but when I put up a different front around my family (tough, non emotional, jaded), I get kind of pissed off. As if I’m thinking “why the hell are you in my life? why can’t I get rid of you?”. I could choose to feed the kind wolf, I could choose to be happy with my family, I just don’t want to. It’s like if you hate a certain food, and you’re being fed that food everysingle day, your reaction would be to get away from that situation, not wanting to embrace it.
Yes, counselling is maybe out of the question. The thought of paying someone to be your friend is ridiculous to me. I could get opinions from people who have had much more life experiences, instead of paying someone to try to read me and ticking a checklist in the DSM to see which mental illness I may be having, if any of them is real at all.
@Sheya I can’t do that. I can say how I feel online because it’s anonymous. I can’t place trust in an actual human being, that’s just too much risk for me.
@quackingphilosopher Doing what I want is what I desperately want to do. However, emotions are complicated and I’m trying to find a way to make it simple. I wish to just be able to do what I feel like, and not having to worry about how it would affect other people.
- This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Leocube.