Thank you both! I think I need to finish this as there are other heartbreaks and disappointments I have not talked about but I wanted to condense as much as possible and give an idea of how my life went and how it is still going.

I have made decisions in haste that I regret but my answer to those is to never allow myself to learn from those decisions, understand why I made them and then move on. I simply avoid the situations where I have felt like a failure, thinking that I deserve to be punished for making the wrong decision or being thoughtless. Most of those things I feel were reactions to what coincidently happened to me. I won’t take responsibilty for what is thrown my way. I just feel resentful and damaged and not worth the trouble of understanding. I can forgive others but can not forgive myself.

I also have had a very difficult time forgiving my parents. I regret for instance the way I talked to my mother before she died. I sent her flowers when she was in treatment and went to see her the day beforr she died. I believe I told her I loved her because I wanted “her” to hear that. I believe I said it to her. My father whom I never remember meeting died 4 years after and I was told by a manager at my work who was informed by my cousin I just discovered that he was in the hospital in another state. He lived a good distance from me but she told me that he wanted to talk to me. I was told this a day before he died. I believe he was suppose to be taken off life support. I don’t even know what he really looks like. My cousins family apparantly couldn’t come up with a picture.

I wondered why he didn’t try to contact me when he apparantly was living in my neighborhood until I was about 21. Why didn’t he try to contact me anytime after that? He wanted to talk to me but didn’t do anything about it. I know my mother’s family wanted him to stay away but after I was an adult couldn’t he have at least tried to talk to me? I definately had a wall up and was very wary of personal relationships although I tried to belong to my aunt’s family. Despite difficulties they seemed to love each other and I wanted that so bad. I wanted to belong to a family. I was always treated like I was my mother’s age because my grandparents took me in and told me I was their child so their children followed that. I was never really accepted as a child in need but someone who was my mother’s age.

It hurts me that my parents couldn’t get it together for me. I know they were young but like me they probaly both had difficulty growing up because of their own personal problems. I knew who my mother was but I wish I had known my father. I am told that he was an artist, a sculptor and that is probaly where I get my artistic talent from. My uncle who was his friend before I was born also said I am inquisitive like he was.

Right now I am failing at my current set of goals. I can’t stick to them by myself. If I am with people I am more disciplined but on my own I lapse.

I can only simply summarize myself right now.
I rent a room. I am 48 years old. I have a low paying job. I am very attractive when I take care of myself. I cry a lot. I am beyond lonely. I daydream a lot about how I wish my life was. I am a good person but often become resentful and angry over not feeling included or wanted. I have never been jealous of material things or money. I am jealous of relationships. I sometimes see people and wonder with all their issues how where they still able to have a family and relationships and I am still alone? I have even had a man (married of course) tell me he has absolutely no idea why I have such a problem having a relationship. I don’t quite understand it.

Dating and relationships I see as hurtful because you can get rejected but also might reject someone else. I think I am afraid of rejecting someone even more than being afraid of getting rejected. I have felt unwanted whether it’s true or not and do mot want to make anyone else feel unwanted. That is why I see dating as callous. I am too serious I think.

You have to but I think at this point because I could go on and on I could just answer any questions you have because as far as my life story I don’t know where else to go. I could fill a novel with all my little experiences, nissed opportunities, regrets in why I am alone. How can I turn around years and years of being a certain way and possibly at a time where I will rejected even more than I would have been before?

Thank you for reading,

Lisa

• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Lisa.