Hi Tectonic…

Anita has some very good questions that I think need to be seriously for clear answers, and although the situation you are encountering is not conducive to stability, I think you might want to consider going to a place that you find peaceful to think clearly. Such as a park, lake, mountain, beach ( if you are near one). I find that when I have allowed myself to be drawn into an unbalanced situation, I walk to the beach and meditate. It’s funny, not funny ha ha, but funny that when I am at the beach, I am not affected in any way with imbalance, thus allowing me to think clearly, or not think clearly, read that to say no thoughts, just peace.

You said, ” We used to everything together and spent a lot of time together.” What event(s) led to the reason that you used the phrase “used to?” What happened to go from used to but not anymore?

You said,  “Mostly, I’m not happy with the way I handle these situations.” If the way you “handle these situations” is expressed in hair trigger reactions, that only helps to escalate the anger. Meeting hostility with hostility is seen through the eyes of the other person as an invitation to engage in hostility. If on the other hand the way you “handle these situations” is one of a passive/submissive target, it only serves to allow hostile domination over you to continue.

You said, “We ended up in a big fight. This is what normally happens.” with the operative word being “normally.” Being 7 years in a marriage fighting with a child absorbing this behavior is not normal. For the benefit of everyone involved, especially the child, this fighting has got to stop and more rational avenues must be pursued.

You said, “My husband does not want to do marriage counseling.” His decision to go to counseling or not is exactly that, his decision. Likewise your decision to go to counseling or not, is also your decision. What he decides to do or not do with regards to your marriage, should not preclude you from you doing what is right for you and your daughter.

You said, “I’m not sure things can be saved at this point, but I want to do everything I can to better myself.” I think that for things to be saved, and I am assuming that by “things” you mean marriage, you both need to want to go in that direction. And you can do everything to better yourself. Instead of saying “I want to do everything to better myself” I invite you to think in terms of, and believe that “I am going to do everything to better myself.” Thinking in this way allows you to regain ownership of your life, how you want it to be, how it’s going to be, not only for you but for your daughter as well.

As I review my response I realize it may seem harsh, like a stern lecture. If you could feel my soul you would know my words are from love. Tranquility if my response seems to come across that way  I sincerely apologize. I think that sometimes when we find ourselves in that situation we lose sight of the fact that we/you deserve love and respect and that the love and respect for you starts with you. They are not things that you need permission to have. You are a strong woman and a good mother I’m sure. Hug yourself, love yourself, respect yourself, know that, when you look at your daughter, know that as you love yourself and respect yourself, you will be giving the same to her. It is the least both of you deserve.

Pearce