* Love having you here, Inky.

Dear Michelle:

You are welcome.

You wrote: “My childhood was lonely…But maybe my memories are distorted.”- memories of order of events in time and place are often not accurate (such is the nature of memory), but your emotional-memory, the feeling of it, is accurate. You felt lonely because you were emotionally alone, unattended to.

You wrote: “whenever I am sad, I was taught (by your mother) that I need to rationalise it, and I can only be comforted by rationalization… The magic… in Nepal. That day I was sick and I had low sugar in my body, I almost fainted. That mother hold me like a child, stroked my hair, put me on her thigh and just rock me like a baby. For the first time I felt that being weak and vulnerable is okay. There’s someone there to comfort me… If it was my mother would probably give me something to eat, and let me lie down on my own.”

When the woman in Nepal held you, stroked your hair, put you on her thigh and rocked you like a baby, she sent you the message that you are okay when you feel weak and vulnerable, that it is acceptable to feel this way and that you are lovable when feeling weak and vulnerable.

When your mother tried to talk you out of your feelings, rationalizing, and not comforting you physically (beyond food…), she taught you that you are not okay when you feel weak and vulnerable, that it is unacceptable to feel this way and that you are not lovable when feeling weak and vulnerable.

This is why you “buried your heart for that long” (from a previous post), because you believed, based on the teaching you received, that your heart is … well, unacceptable, unlovable.

“in Munich, I was very sad, my friend would hold me tight and tell me it’ll be okay… led me to realise that when I’m sad, I didn’t have to talk myself out of misery, not at that moment. I can just feel sad and it is okay, and I will be comforted.”- It is acceptable to feel weak, vulnerable and sad. You are lovable when you feel these.

“to be connected, I need to be vulnerable, and show my vulnerability… The relationship we (you and your husband) have is very logical, to me it’s lacking emotional bonding, especially when I feel sad or angry. When I show him my vulnerable side, he would, like my real mother, try to talk me out of misery or anger.” – and so, he is sending you the same message as the one you received as a child: it is unacceptable and you are unlovable when you feel weak, vulnerable, sad or angry.

You continued: “Or he would leave me alone until I’m calmed down and then talk about it. Yes I agree sometimes this is a better solution, yet I also need the physical closeness to feel that I’m needed or loved especially when I am vulnerable.”- your need for physical comforting/ closeness when feeling these ways is non-negotiable.

“So now knowing what I want and need for bonding, is it possible to tell e.g. my husband that this is what I need to feel connected?”-

as I wrote above, your need for physical comfort is non-negotiable. Yes, tell your husband how strong your need is, how required, how necessary.

If after you tell him, he cannot or will not provide you with such comforting (give him some time to practice this new behavior on his part), with the sincerity and intent of comforting you, then- since you don’t have children- separation and divorce is what I would recommend.

Because your need is non-negotiable.

anita