Dear Lacienaga:

I will try to understand your scenario as-I-type. You fear Person A because Person A was aggressive toward you and harmed you in the past. What follows as your association with Person A continues, is that you doubt your previous evaluation of Person A, and your view of him/her as aggressive/ harmful is mitigated, toned down, lessens. And so, you no longer protect yourself from him/her. You don’t protect yourself by not setting or keeping boundaries with Person A.

If Person B is okay with Person A, that adds to you doubting yourself and further mitigates your view of Person A as aggressive/harmful.

If I understood correctly, in the context of the mass bullying you experienced, the dynamic you described makes sense to me, absolutely. I experienced it myself, most of my life. When we associate with an aggressive person day in and day out, and do not see a way not to, then naturally we will view that person as less aggressive, even as a good person. We do so for the purpose of lessening our anxiety.

People held hostage by violent aggressors long enough view them as empathetic, good people (Stockholm syndrome). It is a psychological mechanism aimed at alleviating anxiety.

Your thoughts/ feelings?

anita