Dear Anita,

I think as a child, I was feeling I was disappointing my mom once I was doing something childish. She didn’t get angry or punishing me (hit me or shout) but many times she was becoming disappointed with me, telling me: “oh, that was very childish of you and I didn’t expect it from you, you should be more mature and grown up”. And then was distant and sad and in cases she was nto talking to me for much time – that was quite a punishment I guess. So, in my try to win her again I was trying to be good and make the things she wanted so that I would not disappoint her anymore – behave more like an adult and less like a child. It was a distant agony – I could not see it back then but I see it now. This is why I have been always more mature than my age and other children and I have still this guilty feeling once I can not fulfill other desires from me 🙁

I had seen the issue some time ago – but still, even If I have found the root (at least some of the roots) I can not solve it. I guess I need to accept it, forgive her and myself and then stop repeating it or at least try to break free from the pattern.