As promised, here is some progress, or maybe some thoughts.

It’s been now 20 days since my ex talked to me for the last time. Of course, at his last call, he told me he was pissed off with me and all the arguments I was causing (I was causing them?! –  he was the one asking me every time things, but anyway..) and is now his decision not to talk to me anymore (even If I had demanded that many times, but being weak I was replying to him).

So, he stopped contacting me and put the blame on me for this. It is something that now didn’t suprised be – he knew me better than I knew me, he knew that I had this guilty issues and so he is now trying to punish me with his silence.

As I analyzed before, this was always a scary situation for me, having caused pain or anger to others and then they blame me, accuse me and stop talking to me. I was trying hard at the whole relationship to prevent this from happening and I was ignoring my desires and my needs many times. And I got to a point with all these not only to understand my inner fear (of rejection and disapproval and silent treatment as punishment) but also to face it right on my face from someone I really loved.

The first days I was still in fear and shock, I was having nightmares with him yelling at me or feeling I could not breathe, I could not eat well and wanted to cry all the time. I was numb and terrified. Then, I felt better but I was still in fear. I was in pain. And because the last years with him I had connected love to pain so much, I was feeling like I love him. I understand this is a mind game though. I do care for him and I wish him happiness and peace of mind from now on – I never cursed him or something, but I am not in love anymore and I really want him out of my life even if it hurts.

After the constant fights and all these years of relationship (even the frequent talking during breakup) they all left an empty space in my life that caused silence and pain and started to make me wonder again: “was I wrong? Did I have mistaken again? sure, it was my problem, I made everything wrong, I hurt him, I hurt also myself, I made him angry, he is now out there sad, or angry blaming me and he is right, I messed it up.Was the relationship that bad? I was overreacting thinking that he was using me or am I sure I do not want him? He loves me that much this is why he was trying, I am so stupid and didn’t appreciate him I should have forgiven him for breaking up with me, for lying or yelling at me.. I should have done something differently to avoid all this pain” and so on…  Guilty feelings, shame, and sadness. And fear of what is coming next.. “I will never be happy again, I lost all my life now, I am nothing, he was right, I will never been loved again and I will regret it..”

But, it is simply the aftershock effects. I feel like a prisoner who is now free and is afraid he already lost so much time in prison that it does not worth living anymore, he is not aware of the future that comes, he feels so different from the person he was before and starts to believe it was ok being in the prison and was not that bad after all cause he was safe and had a routine and protection and no worries for his future and the guards were friendly to him and bringing him food and the things he needed. And he could enjoy also some walks in the yard during the weekends, so it was quite good after all, why was he complaining back then?!

So, I am trying these days to keep my thoughts clear and avoid these ‘detoxing phase’ feelings. I also work on tracking the feelings such behaviors had caused me in the past making me so afraid of rejection so that I understand that I should not feel responsible for others opinion on me and constantly fighting with my own desires to satisfy others.

It is a long process but for the first time, I feel so much more aware of my inner needs and issues. Knowing the problem makes it always better to solve it.

I am still weak and even my body is still complaining after all this drama I let into my life – but I am on healing and learning process.

I will soon return with more, and I am determined to post more positive things this time. I own it to my broken inner self to finally have a happy life 🙂

Thank you all!

• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Mepina.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Mepina.