Rachel,

Thank you for sharing your feelings. I know that is not an easy thing to do, especially if you have never shared an innermost detail about yourself like this before with others. You mentioned that you smile, and appear happy outwardly. Iv’e found from personal experience that it is those who keep it all inside themselves that tend to feel innermost suffering strong and often, and much of the time, it is this reason that people who have trouble speaking about their problems suffer from anxiety and depression. I know this all too well, as I fall into this category.

This is all of course just my understanding or interpretation, so feel free to correct me if I do not understand it from your perspective.

What I understand so far is that there is a part of you that is insisting on the isolation of your own feelings. You isolate because you feel anxiety and worry that other people will not truly understand your struggle. But on that note, you fall into depression with your struggle, because you have isolated your thoughts and feelings and are not receiving the care and understanding from others you feel you need. If you are never getting healthy perspective from other people, you begin to feel lonely and hopeless. Then, depression (from feeling lonely and hopeless over long periods of time) weighs you down, makes you sad, demotivates you, and causes you anxiety, which all at once can be so overwhelming that you feel disappearing would be better than living in that reality. That can be a vicious cycle. And a unique, complex, and complicated one depending on you as an individual.

But, there is no way for you to actually know for certain if you are alone in the feelings you experience, as you have not openly talked about them to others. I myself have suffered from this cycle of anxiety and depression to the point of not wanting to exist. But, being too stubborn to believe that anyone could possibly understand, I shut out the possibility of talking to others, and I spiraled further into this cycle. I deluded myself, and caused my own mental suffering by not allowing myself to believe that I wasn’t completely alone, and therefore missed many opportunities to experience peace and tranquility of the mind. To be honest, the more i reflected on the feelings I felt, i realized that much of the suffering I felt was caused entirely by my own stubbornness and desire for others to understand me. Which I also realized is wonderful; Because if it is a problem within myself, and not outside myself, it means that I had the full control over the situation, where before, I felt I had no control.

I’d like to note that was my own personal journey, and I am not saying that you are causing your suffering. I am only saying that you have more control than you give yourself credit for, and that you are allowed to become a person that is confident in yourself and your ability to become a happy person. I am a sad and anxious creature by nature, but even I have been able to change my perspective and frame of mind to that of one of peace and contentment.

If I have any advice, it would be this:

first, Do not discredit the power of your own mind, and your ability to heal this feeling of depression, anxiety, and loneliness. It can be done. You can live happily. It is definitely within reach, with a lot of self love, care, and confidence boosting.

and second, Desire is a root cause of this kind of suffering. The more that you desire recognition, or expect others to understand you and to respond in the ‘right way’, whatever way that it may be that you crave from others, the further you isolate yourself, as you cannot control other peoples actions. This is not to say you shouldn’t talk to others about your feelings. But this is to warn that you should not allow your happiness and mood to rely entirely on the answers and level of care and understanding that others show to you. Your state of mind is for you to decide. A captain of a mighty ship mingles with the ocean, but it does not allow the ocean to take full control of it’s course. The captain continues on the course she has decided, no matter how the ocean behaves.

The captain represents your soul. The ship is your mind, and the ocean represents other people and their social interactions with your consciousness. Even if they do not behave the way you would like, you cannot relinquish your mind to their control, as it would be chaos for you, the soul, inside. You have to steer yourself in the direction you desire, if you ever wish to make it to a specific place in life, physically or mentally.

I hope that this was in some way helpful to you, even if it may not be 100% accurate to your state of being. Again, all of us here are just the ocean. You are the captain, you have to decide what works for you and what does not. Never forget your power. I am hoping for your happiness and well being!

Namaste.