Hi Rachel,

Yes, wow..I have felt like this since I was a child. But most of it contributed to severe emotional and verbal abuse, and constant abandonment, and rejection from an Alcoholic mother. I received very little love, nurturing or care, until I was taken away from her by courts and adopted.

Still, the damage had been done. Growing up, I was bullied often in grade school and middle school, contributing to depression and low self esteem. My family, had to take me out of public schools, and put me in Private expensive “academy’s” or “boarding” schools. The bullying stopped, but I too felt very much alone, left out, wanting to disappear, being very troubled, no one seemed to understand me, which only left me feeling worse. Like I was on the outside looking in. If I did make friends, I was a doormat, or they only came to me if they wanted something from me.

Today, I am in intensive therapy for several mental health diagnosis, and 2 12 step anonymous programs. Which have been a Godsend. I am also on emotion regulation medication called “Topamax” which helps with intense overwhelming feelings and emotions. Remeron and Wellbutrin for Major Depressive Disorder, Klonopin and Busphar for anxiety and panic attacks. And Ambien for sleep due to racing thoughts.

I Are you in any type of counseling or medication? You didn’t mention that in your post. Do you have a support group you can join? To help you cope? I hope you feel better soon. There is hope..