Hi Anita,

I feel like i am too messed up to get over everything. I start to write one thing and end up wiping it and writing something else. We are told to follow our heart..my heart desperately wants my ex to accept and love me as an equal..thats impossible. But my mind just isnt able to get over it. My parents invited me out..i didnt really want to go but felt it would be the right thing to do..i got blindsided again. I feel that my mother doesnt realise what she does. I think she doesnt seem to see the sensitivity in the things she says…because its not happening to her. Thats the only way i can explain it. But i felt like i had been stabbed in the heart again.

I guess that on a core level, we all know our own mind very well. Even if we try to trick ourselves and others into believing everything is fine or that we like certain things, we know what makes us truly happy. But very few people are able to pursue it without restraints. Thats how i feel.

I think i am mostly limited by my personality which by nature is reserved, quiet, embarrassed easily, high anxiety. I often attract bad behaviour from people, clients who are demanding or angry, friends and boyfriends who are bullying or abusive, strangers who are jealous and competitive. I can say that i see that now because i have reached an age to be able to look back and see the patterns. I cant relate to people who want to hurt or punish others but it seems that life favors them.

I still have no idea why people react to me so strongly. I am very sensitive. I loved my boyfriend because he was the opposite and was able to take me out of myself…which i think i need to stay grounded instead of wallowing in the depths of my mind. When he said things to me that were critical..i could see his point of view but like my mom, he didnt handle it too well in return. I have the tendency to drag others down when i am in low energy…when i need a lot of space and they dont understand ..they then feel rejected..its a vicious cycle and leaves me hating myself instead of thinking that they need to adapt.

I hate not knowing what the truth is. My ex lied to me and was developing a new relationship with someone else who was also manipulative as she clearly knew what she was doing to split us up and clearly gave him an ultimatum. The two of them may be better suited but the circumstances are nasty. I have been left out in the cold and have no idea about his life anymore, we dont share any friends. So the only thing i have is starsigns and i watch them obsessively to try and find answers…they give me false hope, then drop me, then pick me up again. Its like an addiction i have developed without anything or anyone else to distract me. I seem to be endlessly able to obsess and i wish i could forget.

At the moment i dont see much future for myself. I have managed to pull myself out of financial danger..which was a burden on top of the break up. But as for social life i have not got any bright ideas. Instead of panicking too much i have just chosen to accept the solitude being grateful i am not worse off. I know if i compare my life to some women they would be horrified at how little i have gotten out of life but i am just grateful i am ok..im still very scarred by my experiences, for instance this morning i woke up from a nightmare and found it was reality. So right now i just hope i can find somewhere to live where i will be able to get a dog, at least to have some company.