Dear Anita,

It’s a good idea to put things into perspective by making a list of what I have learned and what I’d like to change in my future behavior.

1. I have learned there is nothing shameful about feeling uncomfortable around a certain person. Instead of beating myself up for being too sensitive, I need to respect my emotions and take the message behind them seriously.

2. Just because somebody keeps saying how much they love you it doesn’t mean that they actually mean it. Chances are, if they are disrespectful towards others, always gossiping and always passing the blame, soon there will come a time that you, too, will be disrespected, gossiped about and be used as a scapegoat, no matter how much you were “loved” at the beginning of the friendship.

3. Just because someone says I have done something wrong doesn’t make it necessarily true. I have to use my own reasoning to evaluate the situation and come to a logical conclusion. Also, I certainly need to stop apologizing for the  things that I haven’t done.

4. To have peace of mind, I need to let go of other people’s opinion about me. Instead, I have to focus on what “I” think of me.

5. Although it is good to be helpful and generous, my level of worth is not measured based on how many sacrifices I make for other people on a daily basis.

6. I need to let go of my constant fear of what other people can do to punish and reject me. (I still have to work on this.)

7. Although I’m generally very quiet and reserved, I still have to control my tongue,  especially in the presence of someone who has shown a deep interest in gossiping.

8. I need to stop trying to fix and control every situation in order to feel secure.

9. I need to learn that it is very common for certain people to mistreat someone who’s been kind and giving to them. People are what they are and do what they do…you can not fix them or their beliefs.

With regards to the sense of guilt…yes. As a child I was always emotionally punished for being anything less than perfect in all areas of life. I was also punished for things that I hadn’t done or were not responsible for, such as my mother’s mental illness.

Again, thank you Anita for spreading your wisdom and for helping me to see the situation more clearly (:

Mary