Dear Mina:

From your descriptions of him, of the things he told you,  he was caring and thoughtful about your well-being. There was an indication of this in his email to you following you wishing him happy birthday, he apologized for not being a good boyfriend, probably meaning (besides giving himself a bad grade as a boyfriend), that he wishes he was a good boyfriend for you, wishing you well, that is.

Thing is, your well being was not his only motivation in breaking up with you. I go back to my past analysis: he removed from his life the part he valued less. Doesn’t mean (as I wrote to you before) that he believed you are less valuable as a person than anyone else, but that you being in his life is of less value than other things, that his time and energy need to go elsewhere.

It would be fantasy if you thought that his only or main motivation was your well being.  Reality is, most likely, that his well being was his main motivation, that is, reducing his distress. You witnessed his distress yourself, so you know it was there.

In his ejection of you from his life, he removed you from his life. You are no longer in it. He did not reject you in that he didn’t communicate to you that you were inadequate as a person or as a girlfriend, that you didn’t meet his standards for a human or for a girlfriend (looking at the definition of “reject”).

Regarding finding comfort in thinking about him, spending time in places you were with him, that is all fine in my mind because he represents for you accepting-Mina (the opposite of rejecting), of valuing Mina as a person, and what he represents is real, it really is comforting. As long as you know what it is that is comforting you (accepting Mina, leading I hope to self acceptance), then it makes sense to me.

I hope that the … legacy of having him in your life would become being a part of what is propelling you in the direction of self acceptance.

anita