Dear Chris:

I don’t think what you are describing is a personality, as in a permanent feature of your functioning.

You wrote that you can’t control how you feel. Thing is no one can. Once you realize this reality you no longer try the impossible. What is possible is to control one’s behavior. You start small and you build on the practice, get better and better at it.

Let’s say he didn’t answer your call and it has been 30 minutes since you called. You feel angry. You can’t control feeling angry (and … shouldn’t try). What is the behavior that normally follows this feeling and circumstance? Calling him again, and breaking up with him, let’s say. This behavior is possible for you to control.

To not call him and not break up with him, you have to endure the distress of the anger without automatically reacting to it, without behaving in what is a habit for you, by now.

It takes … not calling, not breaking up with him. The distress you have to endure can be managed or reduced in other, non destructive ways, such as exercising, relaxing music etc. Over time you build confidence in your ability to not automatically react to your distressing feelings, and instead think and choose your behavior thoughtfully.

anita