Thank you Anita.

I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt right now. I have been hired by the new job I was seeking and start tomorrow morning. I go into my current job tomorrow afternoon. My current boss text me and asked if I could work a earlier shift and I couldn’t because of the new job. He never asks me to do this on Monday. It makes me think that my new job already called him as a reference. I am not even sure what set schedule they want me for but I told them that I would have to give my current job 2 weeks notice. I hope that is enough notice? If I can only get part time at my new job I would like to keep a couple of days at my current job. The transition is always rough.

I also feel guilty because I feel like I am abandoning the ones at my current job who I care for during the week. I have no medical benefits at my current job, I can not work longer hours because it is too physically demanding and my new job pays more…but all my decisions usually are based on how I feel. I love who I care for but my boss is not a joy to work with, I have no benefits other than the knowledge that I can give love and caregiving.

I am also anxious about this new job. It’s not my dream job and I have to work with the public again. I have to be calm. I can not cry or get upset even though the inevitable rude customers and mandatory rude co worker that I always seem to find at each one of my jobs will be there.

I am not meant for this world. I am so anxious right now. I feel like the only way I can deal with the public, my current boss, future boss, people I love, people I respect whom I feel I would be abandoning, animals that receive my care and hugs….I feel the only way I can deal with all of this is to be numb. I can never be numb though. To deal with my new job though it would be best if I was numb. Most people can deal with these things but I have trouble and usually have no one to guide me. This is the only place I can turn. I should be happy for myself for getting a new job that will lead to medical benefits but I can’t help being consumed by guilt. I feel awkward too because my current boss is not easy to talk to.

I can never be truly happy because I want to be creative and I want to have gone to school and want to have had my own home by now and I wanted to have a family but all I can do is work and feel anxious all the time. I hate that I have to work all the time. I hate living paycheck to paycheck. I hate having the will to help people and animals but almost never having the way.

I am just having a meltdown because I am worried about possibly leaving my current job and all this awkwardness. I have to tell him tomorrow that I have a new job and that I will have to cut down my days or have to give 2 weeks notice all together.

I am crying now of course. Why do I have to be upset all the time? I feel guilty and hate money. The need for money is keeping me from doing what I love and constantly scrounging.

I have to vent.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Lisa.