to be honest i don’t know. i was thinking maybe it has something to do with his childhood. his mother passed away when he was around 19, i think his father has a drinking problem. grew up quiet poor and didn’t have much. i never met any of his friends or family members (then again we barely even seen each other in the past year) i only know that he had the same issues with his ex gf. they were together for around 3 years, after 2 years they moved in together. and only because he kind of had no choice (they lived very close to each other, his flatmates all moved out so he basically needed to move out as well, so he kind of “had to” move in with her. but he said he was so anxious about it and it just got worse after they moved in together. i think back then maybe he didn’t know yet that he had commitment issues. he probably just thought she wasn’t the right one i don’t know. but now that it’s happening again i think that he knows it might be because of his fears. i think that because it is the same for me. i had problems with my last bfs, and i thought they weren’t the right ones, that’s why it didn’t work. but now i noticed, it was me the whole time. it was my fault back then, i gave up so easily only blaming my bfs for mistakes and didn’t see mine. now i absolutely feel like i am supposed to be with him like it’s the “right thing”. which is strange because it is soooo difficult….

i don’t want to blame him for my needyness. after all, i’ve been that way with my past bfs as well even though they gave me lots of attention and love. that’s why i want to change and probably the reason why i want to make it work so bad. i feel like if i really really want it and work on myself, then everything will work out. i know that no one can tell me exactly what to do or what’s right or wrong. i was just hoping for someone to listen i think and maybe give me some hope…

how did i help him hmm…good question.. well i’m still here even though he hurt me a lot. i hoped that it might show him that i will not leave him just because it gets tough. i thought maybe he’s just scared of opening up and then getting hurt and i would leave him. that’s why i wanted to show him that i’m staying. i thought maybe that’s where the commitment issues are coming from. but he told me once, it’s the responsibility, kids, mortgage etc. he grew up in eastern europe and didn’t have much at all so maybe that plays a part?! i don’t know. i’m trying not to think too much. but i need to find a way to improve this situation..

by the way currently we’re planning that he will come see me, and then i will come see him at the end of this year. no specific dates yet but i hope he will do it this time and not cancel. thank you all for listening. i’m thankful for any comment