fbpx
Menu

commitment issues

HomeForumsRelationshipscommitment issues

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 21 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #174431
    H
    Participant

    i just signed up just so i can post this because i seriously need someone to talk to. it will be a long post i think so sorry in advance for that. we’ve been together for around 1year now, however most of it (about 80%) was long distance relationship and we haven’t seen each other much (i’ll explain later). we met in my country when he was working here, but had to go back a few months after. it was just the beginning of the relationship and i was not worried about the long distance thing at all, i thought we could just visit each other every other weekend and everything’s fine (1hour flight). boy was i wrong. it turned out so strange and not like i had expected it to be like. so when he lived here everything was very easy, during his last month, we saw each other every other day, didn’t text/call much because we saw each other in person. so when he went back, naturally i expected a lot of phone calls, texts, maybe even videochat. but nothing happened. when i asked if we could text/call more? he was very strange about it, saying he usually doesn’t text/call much at all. but he will try. so we texted more however to me it always felt forced. no good morning texts from him, no goodnight texts. until now, no i love yous. turned out he seems to have commitment issues. we didn’t see each other much because he kept cancelling plans, refusing to make plans and book flights. it was only after a few cancelled dates that i found out he panicked and was too anxious to see me. i stayed understanding and said let’s take it slow then. step by step. however i need to tell you, i have issues too. the complete opposite actually, i need attention, affection all the time, so much that i’m suffocating him. i need to be able to make plans when we will see each other next. i need to hear that he misses me and that he cares about me. i kept texting him and need validation. i don’t know what to do so it will work out between us. and this is only a tiny portion of our story, there was a lot of hurting, problems etc. the strange thing is, deep down, even though i am very hurt, i think that it’s the right thing to stay and fight for it. i don’t know why. maybe because i have 2 failed relationships already and i blame myself for it. like i want to make it work now. i have issues, i’m extremely jealous and controlling. i know it’s not right, i need to change that too. but i need validation and for example i need to make plans and know where this relationship is heading to. but he can’t and don’t want to talk about stuff like that. we can’t even plan trips/dates, i don’t know when we will meet next time. everything freaks him out. in some moments he tells me, he does want a family but ONE DAY in the far future, not now (we’re both 30). and he does want to move forward with me. and i believe him. i said i don’t need to start a family now, there’s no pressure when it comes to that. but somehow it still freaks him out, even just booking a flight/making plans. he has cancelled so many times that I don’t even tell friends family about our plans anymore because i’m so anxious it won’t work out and i will have to explain to everybody why he didn’t come. i’m scared that people will tell me to leave him. because i know for sure i want to be with him even though it’s hard. but lately since i came back (went to see him last week) i feel so extremely unhappy and sad, i feel like crying every day. and i’m usually not like that at all. what do you guys think about all this? please don’t tell me to break up and move on and find someone “better”…..

    #174439
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear H:

    I will not be telling you “to break up and move on and find someone ‘better'”- besides the fact that I wouldn’t like to tell people what to do, I don’t think you should find someone better, only someone less afraid. Or help him fear you less. Maybe he feels pressure from you because you “need attention, affection all the time, so much that i’m suffocating him”…?

    On the other hand, if he gives too little, no wonder you are starving.

    How did you try to help him experience  less fear than he is experiencing and do you know of the background of his fear, or what you refer to as his “commitment issues”?

    * Will soon be away from the computer for about 17 hours. I hope other members will reply by then.

    anita

    #174461
    H
    Participant

    to be honest i don’t know. i was thinking maybe it has something to do with his childhood. his mother passed away when he was around 19, i think his father has a drinking problem. grew up quiet poor and didn’t have much. i never met any of his friends or family members (then again we barely even seen each other in the past year) i only know that he had the same issues with his ex gf. they were together for around 3 years, after 2 years they moved in together. and only because he kind of had no choice (they lived very close to each other, his flatmates all moved out so he basically needed to move out as well, so he kind of “had to” move in with her. but he said he was so anxious about it and it just got worse after they moved in together. i think back then maybe he didn’t know yet that he had commitment issues. he probably just thought she wasn’t the right one i don’t know. but now that it’s happening again i think that he knows it might be because of his fears. i think that because it is the same for me. i had problems with my last bfs, and i thought they weren’t the right ones, that’s why it didn’t work. but now i noticed, it was me the whole time. it was my fault back then, i gave up so easily only blaming my bfs for mistakes and didn’t see mine. now i absolutely feel like i am supposed to be with him like it’s the “right thing”. which is strange because it is soooo difficult….

    i don’t want to blame him for my needyness. after all, i’ve been that way with my past bfs as well even though they gave me lots of attention and love. that’s why i want to change and probably the reason why i want to make it work so bad. i feel like if i really really want it and work on myself, then everything will work out. i know that no one can tell me exactly what to do or what’s right or wrong. i was just hoping for someone to listen i think and maybe give me some hope…

    how did i help him hmm…good question.. well i’m still here even though he hurt me a lot. i hoped that it might show him that i will not leave him just because it gets tough. i thought maybe he’s just scared of opening up and then getting hurt and i would leave him. that’s why i wanted to show him that i’m staying. i thought maybe that’s where the commitment issues are coming from. but he told me once, it’s the responsibility, kids, mortgage etc. he grew up in eastern europe and didn’t have much at all so maybe that plays a part?! i don’t know. i’m trying not to think too much. but i need to find a way to improve this situation..

    by the way currently we’re planning that he will come see me, and then i will come see him at the end of this year. no specific dates yet but i hope he will do it this time and not cancel. thank you all for listening. i’m thankful for any comment

    #174491
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi H,

    I’m not going to tell you to leave him..but I do think professional therapy with a trusted Psychotherapist would be very beneficial to get to the root of both of your anxieties. Without this, you have limited choices and a very uncertain future with this man, unfortunately. You can continue to wait and wait for him until he changes, but it looks like you have done this and nothing has changed on his end, stagnating the relationship, or you can choose to be miserable and unhappy, always doubting, anxios, controlling, etc. If it were me, I would choose the Psychotherapist. Best of luck. x

    #174541
    coconut
    Participant

    Hi, H. I came here to see your post. I want to tell you my opinion and I want you to really listen. I was controlling and jealous too (without no reason with my last bf). I learnt so much from my last relationship. I realized my mistakes, I grew up. I know you don’t want to hear things like leave him, find someone better. I want to tell you so much from my experience to make you understand what I know now.

    First, you don’t have to change in the sense of trying to need less attention and affection. You deserve to receive that and you are right to need it. It’s not like he’s giving you that and you’re being unreasonable. Yeah, ok, he has his problems but the reality is he isn’t giving you what you need, while you’re there for him, trying to comfort him and understand him.

    Second, you feel that he’s the right one and that you’re not supposed to leave him just because you realized your issues in your relationship with him. And now you feel like you can make it right just because you know what you do wrong. It happened the same to me. But that doesn’t mean he’s the one. He’s just someone with whom you discovered yourself more and with whom you learnt many things with.

    Sacrificing yourself for him (your needs and wants) won’t make him love you more…….sorry, but it’s the truth. And be honest with yourself, you only told him that you don’t want a marriage and kids just so you can make him feel safe and just so he can feel that you understand him, so that he won’t leave….

    If he’s the right one, how come you’re so unhappy? Just be honest with yourself…….don’t sacrifice your needs for him….he will be okay, you don’t need to be like his mother and make him feel safe and not getting your needs…I mean, it’s okay to make him feel safe and be understanding but not to the point of you being depressed and unhappy….

    #174555
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear H:

    The question is what is it that he is afraid of, what is the nature of his fear. You wrote in your last post: ” i hoped that it might show him that i will not leave him just because it gets tough. i thought maybe he’s just scared of opening up and then getting hurt and i would leave him”-

    You have been thinking that he is afraid that you will leave him. But it seems to me that he is afraid that you will not leave him. In other words, reads to me like he is afraid of being with and living with a woman. He was calm when he was in your country because he knew he will be leaving soon, back to his own country. And then he got scared about keeping in contact with you.

    In his past relationship he got scared when he moved in with his ex girlfriend, he was scared of living with her, not of her leaving him.

    Your thoughts?

    anita

    #174575
    Not_so_lost_star
    Participant

    Hi H,

    I was reading your post and the concept of attachment style came to my mind. Not sure if you have heard of attachment styles but you can go have a read. Sounds to me you possibly fit the description of someone who may have anxious attachment style and your boyfriend fits that of someone who possibly has avoidant attachment style.

     

    The thing is these two attachment styles reinforces each other’s way of interaction – the more anxious you are and you reach out to him, the more he avoids. The more he avoids,  the more anxious you feel. And the cycle repeats itself.

     

    Bad news: psychologists believe attachment styles stick with you.

     

    Good news: awareness and making changes to how you interact and react can move you to a more secure way of relating with each other. Having a good therapist you can form  a secure way of relating helps too!

     

    Seems like you have the awareness that you tend to get anxious and you are wrking on it which is great! Im wondering if he is as self-aware and as willing to work on it with you?

     

    It takes two hands to clap to change the pattern of interaction so if you alone are doing the work, it may not be as effective.

     

    You can read up more to see if it really fits your situation and what can be done!

     

    All the best! 🙂

    #174713
    H
    Participant

    thanks so much for your comments.


    @coconut
    : yea on the one hand i think, hey i deserve someone’s 1000% attention and love. but on the other hand i think, no one will ever be able to put up with my extreme behaviour if i don’t change it. after all i had the same problems over and over again. even with guys who can show their feelings and do everything for me, it didn’t stop me from being overly jealous and controlling. it just got worse to be honest. because it’s like i’m constantly testing the boundaries. and ironically this is what my bf tells me. he says i’m constantly pushing his boundaries. and it’s true, i really did/do that, i think subconsciously i do that to see if he still stays. and if he does then (in my twisted mind) it means it’s real. and i think, he might not sacrifice as much as my previous bfs, but in his world maybe everything he does, means a lot. like his big steps are only baby steps for me maybe!? i don’t know.. oh regarding the family and kids thing. i really don’t need to have it right now. yes i said it to comfort him but i meant it too.

     


    @anita
    : yes i was trying to find out where the fear stems from. i was thinking, you can’t be scared of “love” this is not possible? you must be scared of getting hurt when you love. after all when you open up, there is a chance that you will get hurt. when he was in my country, everything was pretty easy for both of us. nothing triggered my old fears/insecurities so i was pretty confident about the relationship. and i guess it was the same for him. it was easy because we just dated, knowing he would leave in a few months, no expectations. but at the end we decided to try it. he did want a relationship and give it a try.

    oh another thing. back then i asked him several times why can’t you do this and that for me, why can’t you show me more love etc. and he said something like “yea and if i do all of that, you will get bored and you will leave me”. so i thought maybe he had bad experiences with opening his  heart for a girl only for the girl to become uninterested. and i have to admit, i used to be like that too. the more “proof” i got that someone loved me, the more uninterested i became. it’s so ironic, that i almost think, it’s indeed good that he is like that. life is strange.


    @lost_star
    : thank you so much for your comment! you must be right about this. i have yet to google it, but it sounds exactly like me and him. and i even said it several times to him. i said it’s so strange i need something specific to feel good, when i don’t get it i get anxious. but that specific thing that i need is causing HIM anxiety. so i get mad and stress him, he withdraws and i get even more mad. it’s like a cycle. so i try to work on myself now and see how everything changes maybe. trying to break that cycle. we’ll see. i definitely need hobbies and to take care of my friendships more. i always rely on my bf to make me happy and spend his entire time with me and i think that’s not right.

    the thing about this whole thing, why i definitely want to stay is, i’m sure that no one will put up with my behaviour if i don’t change, i know that i’m in the wrong too.  i try to look at it as a chance to change. like a challenge for my personal growth. i just need help and suggestions how to do it.

    #174717
    coconut
    Participant

    I know what you’re saying cause I was just like that too… being jealous for no reason, being controlling, testing the boundaries.

    Can you tell us an example when you think you were overjealous ?

    #174721
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear H:

    I am summarizing your shares: you are both 30 or so, at this time. You met him in your country when he was working there and was scheduled to return to his country in a few months. That few months relationship was “very easy”, you saw each other every other day, in person. When he returned to his country, there were far fewer texts and phone calls than you expected and wished for. He communicated to you that he is not comfortable texting and calling. He said he will try and did, but you felt it was forced. Regarding seeing each other in person, he refused to make plans, to book flights, and he cancelled plans made many times. At times he tells you that he is interested “to move forward with (you)”, that he wants a family one day in the far future in .

    He told you that he had a three year relationship with an ex girlfriend. After two years they moved in together because he had to, financially, but didn’t want to. He was very anxious about moving in with her and “it just got worse after they moved in together”.

    He told you once that “it’s the responsibilities, kids, mortgage etc.” that scare him. He also told you at another time following you asking him why he doesn’t do things for you, “if i do all of that, you will get bored and you will leave me”

     

    At the end of your last share you wrote: “i’m sure that no one will put up with my behavior… i try to look at it as a chance to change. like a challenge for my personal growth. i just need help and suggestions how to do it”-

    My input: I see a need to separate, in your mind, your issues from his issues. You do a whole lot of guessing as to his thoughts, his motivations, a lot of guessing. There is too little real information and a lot of overthinking, assumptions, and likely, too many inaccurate projections: you think and feel something and you believe he is thinking and feeling the same when he is not.

    Clearly you see your need to change, to grow, I understand the validity of your motivation. Thing is, it may not be with him that such growth is possible. You don’t know him well enough to decide on that, I believe.

    For your purpose of personal growth I suggest you do the following: test your understandings of him. Test your projections by asking him questions, clear questions. Regarding his past relationship, you can ask him what scared him about moving in with her and what is it that got worse while he lived with her. Test your assumption that he has “commitment issues”. Test and challenge everything you believe about him and start gathering real information. Then you will be able to proceed.

    If you do as I suggest and then post the information you get, I will be glad to reply further.

    anita

    #174723
    coconut
    Participant

    Yes, you’re right you need to change some things too…. I was lucky enough to be with someone who really cared for me and loved me, a secure person (he had his bad parts too but that’s not my point). And he explained to me a lot and made me realize things but I still couldn’t change…it was the same cycle over and over again…I didn’t want to be like that he didn’t deserve it and he became more and more sensitive to my attitude or mean comments…so he wouldn’t talk to me after a fight, he withdrew his affection for several days…he started feeling like it should be better for us to break up…I tried to change but I just couldn’t change in a relationship with him..strangely…I told him I’m gonna change but I couldn’t. And he broke up with me, I was very shocked and hurt, now I’m fine, glad we broke up and I’m changed now.  plus reading a lot of articles ……..helped me change. The difference between him and your bf is that he showed me affection….Even if you change….you’re still gonna be unhappy because he isn’t willing to change and won’t change. You don’t have to leave him….but at least think about it…..it’s 50/50 but from what I see you accept him like that only because you feel guilty… It’s not healthy for you…..I mean…please try to change, cause when you do you’ll leave him without fear…cause anyway he’s not what you need and you don’t need to keep being unhappy just because you want to take care of him and make him feel understood……..

    #174727
    H
    Participant

    @coconut: yes, even though i am embarrassed to tell you guys, because i know this is not normal and not ok. i’m jealous when he talks to his sister on the phone. they don’t even see each other regularly, except for the holidays. but even the fact that he might be close to her makes me feel less important. I want to be the one whom he is closest with. i want to be best friends with my partner. and in these situations, maybe normal people wouldn’t say anything. but i can’t keep quiet and get really mad and say stuff like why don’t you call me and talk for hours? (we actually do but i’m the one who instigates the calls which makes me feel like it means less, because it wasn’t done freely by him), then he gets really mad because he can’t understand this behaviour. and then i am sad that he gets mad instead of comforting me and showing me that there is no reason to be jealous. i don’t know. sometimes i think it’s my fault, sometimes i think he should be more loving and understanding especially when i need it. it’s so difficult and sometimes i don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore.

    did you do anything to change your behaviour? may i ask how old you are?! and how do you deal with it now?! i had the same problems in my past relationships, back then for some reason i wasn’t willing to change, always blaming my partners. i think i felt like i was too young to change for anybody, or maybe they weren’t “worth it” for me to change. i might find someone who understands me and will give me what i need. difficult topic. if i only knew where my insecurities stem from, maybe i could work on it… it can’t be that i need validation because even if i get it, i don’t stop. i think that i have trust issues. after all if you believe someone doesn’t love you, no matter how much “proof” there is, you still won’t believe it. so now i’m trying to  change my mind and think that he really cares about me, no matter how much “proof” there is in my eyes that he doesn’t. i still want to beileve in the good. but then the insecurity crawls back, what if i try to trust him completely and i am wrong? what if he’s talking to another girl behind my back? i wish i could get some guidance… like someone telling me what is right and wrong. what to do to have a happy relationship and make this work..

    #174729
    H
    Participant

    @anita: what made you think that there’s a lot of guessing and that i believe he is thinking and feeling the same when he’s not? i mean what exactly were you referring to? you’re right that i guess a lot. i just think that i can sense other people’s feelings sometimes. for example he doesn’t tell me he loves me, but i still believe that he does. or do you think that i’m wrong about that? … after all i don’t have solid “proof”, i only trust my feeling. i just thought that only because some people don’t say it, doesn’t mean they don’t feel it?! … and that he is still there and putting up with my needy attitude must be some kind of sign that he cares about me too? otherwise he could/would break up with me easily?

    why do you think that my understandings of him are wrong? hmm.. about the questions. i asked all of that when we talked about the ex. i can’t remember what he said what scared him to be honest. maybe you’re right about my guessing and my feelings. i assumed that he was scared because any step to the direction of commitment scares him. and moving in together is a big step regarding commitment. i asked why he moved in together if he didn’t want it and if he had any hope at all that it would work. and he said he did want to try, and after all they were together for 2years and she pushed him to do it. but he felt extremely anxious about it. he said they were just like friends living together, there was no romance at all anymore. (again in my mind i think that he subconsciously provoked it because he did not want to allow love to grow. but i seriously don’t know. i know that they fought a lot. she cried a lot. he didn’t tell her he loved her either). now thinking about everything i feel like he got bigger issues than i do. sometimes i wondered if he could feel love at all. maybe he doesn’t feel love at all/doesn’t know what it is?


    @anita
    and coconut: I’m a lil sad that both of you feel like he is not the right one for me. what makes you think that? though I’m very thankful for your comments. i thought if i would change, maybe i would be way more happy (regardless if he changes or not). i won’t need constant  validation and therefore there won’t be any problems anymore?!

    #174735
    H
    Participant

    @coconut: yes it was the same with my previous relationships. they were understanding and loving (at least in the beginning like your ex bf until they couldn’t take it anymore). i did say i would change, but i never did. and i think i never really intended to. i just didn’t know how. it was too hard. my ex for example had a huge group of friends, drank a lot and went out a lot, where there were a lot of girls too. he was a nice guy who was friendly with anybody. it made me feel so insecure. now with my current bf he doesn’t have any female friends át all. it’s basically my dream circumstances that i always wished for, he doesn’t have a huge group of friends, well he does but they’re all married and seem to be family people, so no excessive partying. doesn’t have female friends. now that will sound really messed up but i have to be honest with you guys, he has a pretty small family and they’re not even close by, which i love as well. he doesn’t have a mom who gets too involved in his life which annoyed me so much in the past. i have to say – it might be wrong – but the circumstances are perfect for me. this is exactly what i wished for. even his personality and traits are what i wished for. well not the complicated part, but everything else. i had a list of how my ideal man was supposed to be like and he is almost everything of it. the one thing that he doesn’t like to show feelings. someitimes i wonder if it’s so important, isn’t it enough when i can feel it (when we’re together)? do i really have to hear it?

    yes it might be true, i only accept his behaviour because i feel guilty. i’m not perfect either so who am i to expect a perfect man. maybe it’S true what people say. you only accept the love that you think you deserve…. to be honest, sometimes i think i really deserve exactly this. we will see… and about the happy/unhappy thing. but what if i change and just make myself happy without relying on anyone else to make me happy. and everything concerning him is just a plus in my life?! maybe this is the way to go? hmm we will see how it goes. i wanted to wait and see how it goes the next few weeks.

     

    #174751
    Not_so_lost_star
    Participant

    Hi H,

    You are most welcome! I am guessing your anxiety has its roots in your attachment style cos you mentioned that this is not isolated to how you relate with your boyfriend. It happens even when your exes pay you the attention. Similarly, it is the same for your boyfriend too as his experience of being avoidant seems to go way back even before he met you.

     

    I think you have taken the first step in being aware that you have some things you have to work on too. The part about you wanting to focus on your own friendships and not relying on him solely for happiness sounds awesome! It is to be aware and to find a new way to relate to him without passing on your anxiety to him. It is also to be aware when you are in the cycle of reaching out to him for assurances that he cannot give you.

    But it is a two way thing, so while you work on your anxieties, he also has to work on his way of relating to you. His avoidance does not help in easing your anxiety and reinforces it.

    I wanted to paste some information for you but I am unable to do so. Do a search for psychology today and attachment style 🙂 there is a result on relationships and attachment style. I think you will find the information familiar and may bring some new insights to you!

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 21 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.