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October 25, 2017 at 7:56 am #174753AnonymousGuest
Dear H:
You asked: “what made you think that there’s a lot of guessing and that i believe he is thinking and feeling the same when he’s not?”- my answer, looking at your second post: “i think back then maybe he didn’t know yet that he had commitment issues. he probably just thought she wasn’t the right one i don’t know. but now that it’s happening again i think that he knows it might be because of his fears. i think that because it is the same for me.”
You wrote: “i just think that i can sense other people’s feelings sometimes”- better ask, don’t assume you know what another feels.
“for example he doesn’t tell me he loves me, but i still believe that he does. or do you think that i’m wrong about that?”- I don’t know. Depends what you think love means, what he thinks love means and whether he believes he loves you. Better ask all these questions.
“why do you think that my understandings of him are wrong?”- I don’t know what part of your understanding is wrong. I don’t know what parts are right. You make assumptions. You base your assumptions on your feelings and beliefs instead of information you can get only through honest, effective communication.
Our feelings and beliefs often enough are based on prior experience and not on the current situation.
You wrote: I’m a lil sad that both of you feel like he is not the right one for me. what makes you think that?”- I don’t think he is not the right man for you. I don’t think he is the right man for you either. I think you should get more… information about what he thinks, feels and believes and separate those from what you think, feel and believe.
Your anxiety in relationships, with him and before him, has to do with your relationship/s with a parent or parents, doesn’t it? Did you feel loved as a child and if so, what was the nature of that love?
anita
October 25, 2017 at 9:54 am #174811coconutParticipantGirl, I relate to everything you wrote. It’s like you’re talking about me honestly, almost all of it. I don’t even know how to start cause I have a lot to say. Btw, I’m 22.
In the past, I had a bf (my first ‘real’ relationship) that was … a mommy’s boy, idk. I hated that. So, my ex bf was meeting all my ‘standards’… like, he had no girls he talked to, he deleted his fb for me, things like these…He adored me, loved me…Before I decided to have a relationship with him I wasn’t sure what to do cause I wasn’t atttacted to him and didn’t like his looks that much (but I helped him become a better version of himself from this point of view) ..I accepted to be with him in spite of this, only because he made me feel important, adored, loved no matter what and because he listened to me in the sense that he would stop talking to someone if that was what I wanted….We had a lot of fights because I didn’t want him to go out with his friends…We were kinda long distance too.But it became a problem only after college or in the summer holiday cause he had to go back home…It’s a lot I want to share with you, I may even forget some of the things I wanted to say. The thing is I feel our situations are similar in a way and I understand you.
Now, back to a question you asked…it’s not even a thing of the right/wrong person…There is much more to it….When you stop obssessing over him ….you’ll still want affection…You can’t stop yourself from wanting that…It’s perfectly normal. And you’ll be like ‘okay, you can’t give me that and I’m not happy compromising like this and I think it’s better to break up”…not in a dramatic sense, you won’t be fearful or wanting to be with him no matter how unhappy you are…
The same as you,in my last relationship I just didn’t know what is right or wrong….because he got that idea that I’m always wrong thay he didn’t even bother with me anymore…he would never ever admit anything…and I just didn’t know when I have the right to be mad and when not..
He told me how my behaviour affects him…I read a lot of articles because I wanted to understand myself and to change… In my heart I knew I was unhappy but couldn’t let him go. Before our breakup, we had another kind of break up. We fought and he told me he realized that he’s better off without me and was so sure of his decision and I panicked so much, like never in my life and somehow I talked him out of it. From that moment….something clicked…and it kind of changed me.. but still it wasn’t enough. I learnt a lot of things from that relationship, it wasn’t something specific that I did to change (I’m still not perfect but I’m more…rational I think, and understanding)…It was a chain of events and realizations and feelings and much reading about this stuff…
October 26, 2017 at 1:12 am #174931HParticipant@coconut: to be honest i totally thought that i had changed too. until i got in another relationship where the same insecurities were triggered again. i have to say when i’m not in a relationship i am a pretty confident and easy-going person. no one would ever assume that i’m this crazy irrational girl. if i tell people about it they don’t even believe me. that’s how different i am when i’m with other people. seriously i’m like a whole different person when i’m with other people. it’s so strange. so i was single for a while and i felt good about myself and everything. i would have never thought that i would still be this irrationally jealous and controlling. i think this is the main reason i want to stay and change. when you said i would still be unhappy with him even if i changed. i’m not sure about that to be honest. it’s not like he’s not giving me anything at all. it’s just, in his world everything works so much slower, in my twisted world all the small things he does, don’t even show up on my radar to be thankful for. and for him, it was a big step already. and i was the same in my past relationships. it was only after the break-ups, that i started to appreciate it. but at that time i couldn’t see it. so now i’m trying hard not to be too ignorant and blind to all the small things anymore. but yea even if i decide to break up in a few weeks. at least i tried.
i know what you mean. i panicked too when my bf tried to break up, i talked him out of it too. the pain was too unbearable, all i wanted was to get back together. do you think that your insecurities stem from your childhood too?
@anita: yes i do think that it has something to do with my childhood. i was beat a lot as a child. and it was that kind of family environment where you don’t tell your kids i love you. i’m not saying they didn’t love me. they just didn’t show/say it. maybe they were burnt out too from all the bills/responsibilities. as an adult, after my failed relationships, i did hypnosis therapy to get to the root of my issues. i tried to work on my jealousy. apparently it didn’t help with my jealousy, but it still changed something. it helped with my relationship with my mother. i absolutely forgave everything that had happened. before i did that hypnosis thing i had so much anger in my body. after forgiving her, i feel like i became more calm.people say that you look for what you’re familiar with (childhood). my bf doesn’t say i love you and gets mad at me easily. what if it’s the same that had happened to me in my childhood and that’s why i crave it so much? oh guys i have no idea.
October 26, 2017 at 2:46 am #174933coconutParticipantI know what you mean by that. When I’m single I’m the same because I don’t put so much worth on everything a boy I talk to does…and I don’t care cause we’re not in a relationship. But once I get in a relationship, don’t know why, it changes for me. I feel like I need to control him, to make him give me everything that I want, like he’s there only to provide me with all the attention, affection that I want. Now I understand why you want to stay with him, so you can see for real if you have changef or not,cause when you’re single you can’t tell because there aren’t any situations that trigger that kind of behaviour. That was what I was thinking too when I was with him, and it’s true only like that you can surely tell.
Anyway, after my breakup I also realised a lot of things. And I think I’m changed. Again, not 100% (I don’t even want to be … like another person) but I am. After my breakup, I had another short term relationship with someone who couldn’t show any affection to me, didn’t like when I showed affection to him, keeping things from me…(I know he doesn’t have to tell me everything….I didn’t force him anyway…but in a relationship when it’s real you want to tell everything to the other person…anyway I know it wasn’t something ‘real’), he didn’t really talk to me, he was always unsatisfied with what I did…he made me feel so stressed. Anyway, I broke up with him because this was clearly not what I wanted. Now I feel that I want to be single until I find a right person. I’m glad I feel this, because until now I always felt the need to be with someone, to get someone’s attention.
Before havin this short term relationship, I realized that I used boys to make me feel good about myself because I lacked self-confidence. Like I was always expecting from my bf to make me feel good about myself and tell me exactly what I wanted to hear and be there everytime that I want not caring about what his plans are and not being understanding. This is not healthy and thank God I’m over that phase, I don’t overreact or exaggerate anymore. BUT that doesn’t mean that I have to accept some behaviours that are generally not okay….And I won’t do that because that’s not the point….
I couldn’t totally change while being in a relationship with him, but maybe you can do it.
October 26, 2017 at 2:58 am #174935coconutParticipantAnd about my childhood idk…My mother would always spoil me and treated me like a princess, but at the same time she would get mad at me and yell. My father doesn’t really get angry but he annoys me sometimes.
October 26, 2017 at 8:46 am #175029AnonymousGuestDear H:
You wrote: “i’m not saying they didn’t love me. they just didn’t show/say it”- for a person to be loved, that love must be shown. If it is not shown, not expressed, then it … fails delivery.
It is like you ordering pizza and it is never delivered. You don’t get to eat it if it is not delivered. Maybe the delivery driver intended to deliver, maybe he thought: I really want this customer to enjoy this pizza. But if the driver fails to deliver the pizza to you, you don’t get to taste it, to smell it, to eat it, no matter his intent, his thoughts and his feelings.
No wonder, to me, that you are so jealous in the context of a romantic relationship, jealous at the guy paying attention to anyone else: you got so little loving attention, that you are afraid every bit of a loving-like attention he gives someone else, is taking away from you.
It is also not strange to me that you are jealous and distressed only in the context of a romantic relationship. It triggers the distress you experienced in the context of a relationship with your mother and/ or your father.
anita
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