Forum Replies Created
October 27, 2017 at 5:18 am #175143
@michael: i read your whole story. I’m sorry to hear what happened. do you mind keeping us updated about your life?October 26, 2017 at 1:12 am #174931
@coconut: to be honest i totally thought that i had changed too. until i got in another relationship where the same insecurities were triggered again. i have to say when i’m not in a relationship i am a pretty confident and easy-going person. no one would ever assume that i’m this crazy irrational girl. if i tell people about it they don’t even believe me. that’s how different i am when i’m with other people. seriously i’m like a whole different person when i’m with other people. it’s so strange. so i was single for a while and i felt good about myself and everything. i would have never thought that i would still be this irrationally jealous and controlling. i think this is the main reason i want to stay and change. when you said i would still be unhappy with him even if i changed. i’m not sure about that to be honest. it’s not like he’s not giving me anything at all. it’s just, in his world everything works so much slower, in my twisted world all the small things he does, don’t even show up on my radar to be thankful for. and for him, it was a big step already. and i was the same in my past relationships. it was only after the break-ups, that i started to appreciate it. but at that time i couldn’t see it. so now i’m trying hard not to be too ignorant and blind to all the small things anymore. but yea even if i decide to break up in a few weeks. at least i tried.
i know what you mean. i panicked too when my bf tried to break up, i talked him out of it too. the pain was too unbearable, all i wanted was to get back together. do you think that your insecurities stem from your childhood too?
@anita: yes i do think that it has something to do with my childhood. i was beat a lot as a child. and it was that kind of family environment where you don’t tell your kids i love you. i’m not saying they didn’t love me. they just didn’t show/say it. maybe they were burnt out too from all the bills/responsibilities. as an adult, after my failed relationships, i did hypnosis therapy to get to the root of my issues. i tried to work on my jealousy. apparently it didn’t help with my jealousy, but it still changed something. it helped with my relationship with my mother. i absolutely forgave everything that had happened. before i did that hypnosis thing i had so much anger in my body. after forgiving her, i feel like i became more calm.
people say that you look for what you’re familiar with (childhood). my bf doesn’t say i love you and gets mad at me easily. what if it’s the same that had happened to me in my childhood and that’s why i crave it so much? oh guys i have no idea.October 25, 2017 at 7:28 am #174735
@coconut: yes it was the same with my previous relationships. they were understanding and loving (at least in the beginning like your ex bf until they couldn’t take it anymore). i did say i would change, but i never did. and i think i never really intended to. i just didn’t know how. it was too hard. my ex for example had a huge group of friends, drank a lot and went out a lot, where there were a lot of girls too. he was a nice guy who was friendly with anybody. it made me feel so insecure. now with my current bf he doesn’t have any female friends át all. it’s basically my dream circumstances that i always wished for, he doesn’t have a huge group of friends, well he does but they’re all married and seem to be family people, so no excessive partying. doesn’t have female friends. now that will sound really messed up but i have to be honest with you guys, he has a pretty small family and they’re not even close by, which i love as well. he doesn’t have a mom who gets too involved in his life which annoyed me so much in the past. i have to say – it might be wrong – but the circumstances are perfect for me. this is exactly what i wished for. even his personality and traits are what i wished for. well not the complicated part, but everything else. i had a list of how my ideal man was supposed to be like and he is almost everything of it. the one thing that he doesn’t like to show feelings. someitimes i wonder if it’s so important, isn’t it enough when i can feel it (when we’re together)? do i really have to hear it?
yes it might be true, i only accept his behaviour because i feel guilty. i’m not perfect either so who am i to expect a perfect man. maybe it’S true what people say. you only accept the love that you think you deserve…. to be honest, sometimes i think i really deserve exactly this. we will see… and about the happy/unhappy thing. but what if i change and just make myself happy without relying on anyone else to make me happy. and everything concerning him is just a plus in my life?! maybe this is the way to go? hmm we will see how it goes. i wanted to wait and see how it goes the next few weeks.October 25, 2017 at 7:08 am #174729
@anita: what made you think that there’s a lot of guessing and that i believe he is thinking and feeling the same when he’s not? i mean what exactly were you referring to? you’re right that i guess a lot. i just think that i can sense other people’s feelings sometimes. for example he doesn’t tell me he loves me, but i still believe that he does. or do you think that i’m wrong about that? … after all i don’t have solid “proof”, i only trust my feeling. i just thought that only because some people don’t say it, doesn’t mean they don’t feel it?! … and that he is still there and putting up with my needy attitude must be some kind of sign that he cares about me too? otherwise he could/would break up with me easily?
why do you think that my understandings of him are wrong? hmm.. about the questions. i asked all of that when we talked about the ex. i can’t remember what he said what scared him to be honest. maybe you’re right about my guessing and my feelings. i assumed that he was scared because any step to the direction of commitment scares him. and moving in together is a big step regarding commitment. i asked why he moved in together if he didn’t want it and if he had any hope at all that it would work. and he said he did want to try, and after all they were together for 2years and she pushed him to do it. but he felt extremely anxious about it. he said they were just like friends living together, there was no romance at all anymore. (again in my mind i think that he subconsciously provoked it because he did not want to allow love to grow. but i seriously don’t know. i know that they fought a lot. she cried a lot. he didn’t tell her he loved her either). now thinking about everything i feel like he got bigger issues than i do. sometimes i wondered if he could feel love at all. maybe he doesn’t feel love at all/doesn’t know what it is?
@anita and coconut: I’m a lil sad that both of you feel like he is not the right one for me. what makes you think that? though I’m very thankful for your comments. i thought if i would change, maybe i would be way more happy (regardless if he changes or not). i won’t need constant validation and therefore there won’t be any problems anymore?!October 25, 2017 at 6:37 am #174727
@coconut: yes, even though i am embarrassed to tell you guys, because i know this is not normal and not ok. i’m jealous when he talks to his sister on the phone. they don’t even see each other regularly, except for the holidays. but even the fact that he might be close to her makes me feel less important. I want to be the one whom he is closest with. i want to be best friends with my partner. and in these situations, maybe normal people wouldn’t say anything. but i can’t keep quiet and get really mad and say stuff like why don’t you call me and talk for hours? (we actually do but i’m the one who instigates the calls which makes me feel like it means less, because it wasn’t done freely by him), then he gets really mad because he can’t understand this behaviour. and then i am sad that he gets mad instead of comforting me and showing me that there is no reason to be jealous. i don’t know. sometimes i think it’s my fault, sometimes i think he should be more loving and understanding especially when i need it. it’s so difficult and sometimes i don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore.
did you do anything to change your behaviour? may i ask how old you are?! and how do you deal with it now?! i had the same problems in my past relationships, back then for some reason i wasn’t willing to change, always blaming my partners. i think i felt like i was too young to change for anybody, or maybe they weren’t “worth it” for me to change. i might find someone who understands me and will give me what i need. difficult topic. if i only knew where my insecurities stem from, maybe i could work on it… it can’t be that i need validation because even if i get it, i don’t stop. i think that i have trust issues. after all if you believe someone doesn’t love you, no matter how much “proof” there is, you still won’t believe it. so now i’m trying to change my mind and think that he really cares about me, no matter how much “proof” there is in my eyes that he doesn’t. i still want to beileve in the good. but then the insecurity crawls back, what if i try to trust him completely and i am wrong? what if he’s talking to another girl behind my back? i wish i could get some guidance… like someone telling me what is right and wrong. what to do to have a happy relationship and make this work..October 25, 2017 at 2:58 am #174713
thanks so much for your comments.
@coconut: yea on the one hand i think, hey i deserve someone’s 1000% attention and love. but on the other hand i think, no one will ever be able to put up with my extreme behaviour if i don’t change it. after all i had the same problems over and over again. even with guys who can show their feelings and do everything for me, it didn’t stop me from being overly jealous and controlling. it just got worse to be honest. because it’s like i’m constantly testing the boundaries. and ironically this is what my bf tells me. he says i’m constantly pushing his boundaries. and it’s true, i really did/do that, i think subconsciously i do that to see if he still stays. and if he does then (in my twisted mind) it means it’s real. and i think, he might not sacrifice as much as my previous bfs, but in his world maybe everything he does, means a lot. like his big steps are only baby steps for me maybe!? i don’t know.. oh regarding the family and kids thing. i really don’t need to have it right now. yes i said it to comfort him but i meant it too.
@anita: yes i was trying to find out where the fear stems from. i was thinking, you can’t be scared of “love” this is not possible? you must be scared of getting hurt when you love. after all when you open up, there is a chance that you will get hurt. when he was in my country, everything was pretty easy for both of us. nothing triggered my old fears/insecurities so i was pretty confident about the relationship. and i guess it was the same for him. it was easy because we just dated, knowing he would leave in a few months, no expectations. but at the end we decided to try it. he did want a relationship and give it a try.
oh another thing. back then i asked him several times why can’t you do this and that for me, why can’t you show me more love etc. and he said something like “yea and if i do all of that, you will get bored and you will leave me”. so i thought maybe he had bad experiences with opening his heart for a girl only for the girl to become uninterested. and i have to admit, i used to be like that too. the more “proof” i got that someone loved me, the more uninterested i became. it’s so ironic, that i almost think, it’s indeed good that he is like that. life is strange.
@lost_star: thank you so much for your comment! you must be right about this. i have yet to google it, but it sounds exactly like me and him. and i even said it several times to him. i said it’s so strange i need something specific to feel good, when i don’t get it i get anxious. but that specific thing that i need is causing HIM anxiety. so i get mad and stress him, he withdraws and i get even more mad. it’s like a cycle. so i try to work on myself now and see how everything changes maybe. trying to break that cycle. we’ll see. i definitely need hobbies and to take care of my friendships more. i always rely on my bf to make me happy and spend his entire time with me and i think that’s not right.
the thing about this whole thing, why i definitely want to stay is, i’m sure that no one will put up with my behaviour if i don’t change, i know that i’m in the wrong too. i try to look at it as a chance to change. like a challenge for my personal growth. i just need help and suggestions how to do it.October 23, 2017 at 1:28 pm #174461
to be honest i don’t know. i was thinking maybe it has something to do with his childhood. his mother passed away when he was around 19, i think his father has a drinking problem. grew up quiet poor and didn’t have much. i never met any of his friends or family members (then again we barely even seen each other in the past year) i only know that he had the same issues with his ex gf. they were together for around 3 years, after 2 years they moved in together. and only because he kind of had no choice (they lived very close to each other, his flatmates all moved out so he basically needed to move out as well, so he kind of “had to” move in with her. but he said he was so anxious about it and it just got worse after they moved in together. i think back then maybe he didn’t know yet that he had commitment issues. he probably just thought she wasn’t the right one i don’t know. but now that it’s happening again i think that he knows it might be because of his fears. i think that because it is the same for me. i had problems with my last bfs, and i thought they weren’t the right ones, that’s why it didn’t work. but now i noticed, it was me the whole time. it was my fault back then, i gave up so easily only blaming my bfs for mistakes and didn’t see mine. now i absolutely feel like i am supposed to be with him like it’s the “right thing”. which is strange because it is soooo difficult….
i don’t want to blame him for my needyness. after all, i’ve been that way with my past bfs as well even though they gave me lots of attention and love. that’s why i want to change and probably the reason why i want to make it work so bad. i feel like if i really really want it and work on myself, then everything will work out. i know that no one can tell me exactly what to do or what’s right or wrong. i was just hoping for someone to listen i think and maybe give me some hope…
how did i help him hmm…good question.. well i’m still here even though he hurt me a lot. i hoped that it might show him that i will not leave him just because it gets tough. i thought maybe he’s just scared of opening up and then getting hurt and i would leave him. that’s why i wanted to show him that i’m staying. i thought maybe that’s where the commitment issues are coming from. but he told me once, it’s the responsibility, kids, mortgage etc. he grew up in eastern europe and didn’t have much at all so maybe that plays a part?! i don’t know. i’m trying not to think too much. but i need to find a way to improve this situation..
by the way currently we’re planning that he will come see me, and then i will come see him at the end of this year. no specific dates yet but i hope he will do it this time and not cancel. thank you all for listening. i’m thankful for any comment